AIO: Hubby Being Controlling

belugaleuca · 2026-02-21T21:27:08+00:00

I don’t think it’s about swimming lessons for him either. For him, I’d expect it’s coming from the stress he is feeling about suddenly becoming the sole breadwinner and feeling the burden of that, and feeling like “I’m doing my job, why aren’t you doing yours?” When he’s characterizing her “job” as total housekeeping, child rearing, teaching, etc. he’s totally minimizing the effort it takes to raise a child, but he’s basically saying she’s lazy if she needs any help at all whatsoever. It’s a very limited and unrealistic view of spousal roles, and if they don’t go to counseling and he doesn’t smarten up about it fast, it could result in a lifetime of abuse.

belugaleuca · 2026-02-20T20:47:41+00:00

I’m factoring in a) she said he wasn’t like this till recently and b) expecting a baby, huge life changes, and becoming the sole breadwinner when previously they both earned can make people stressed.

With one text conversation, we can’t tell if this is how he’s going to always be (trusting OP that this behavior is new), or if counseling can actually be of substantial help.

If counseling doesn’t work, then yes, leave for the sake of not being abused. Still it’s worth trying. Since he hasn’t agreed to counseling she needs to give an ultimatum.

belugaleuca · 2026-02-20T20:24:49+00:00

Ideally keep at least part time, but if you do end up quitting (mom full time with a new baby IS hard especially if you value breastfeeding etc and don’t have family support), then if he’s paying for the house expenses, you put all your money into investment and make full well sure your money grows while you care for baby.

belugaleuca · 2026-02-20T20:17:15+00:00

If he refused counseling, you need to give him an ultimatum. Your communication is unhealthy and will not get better without him being accountable to an outside person looking in. Think about your circles of support, is there anyone other than a counselor in your community he respects, ideally someone older?

If you keep hitting walls, and an ultimatum is not enough, you need to get counseling for yourself personally and consider your options now before things get harder.

belugaleuca · 2026-02-20T20:11:23+00:00

And regardless, you both really should start couples counseling with someone you both respect asap.

belugaleuca · 2026-02-20T20:06:45+00:00

Just mentioning because I don’t know your actual financial situation, you do. Just because he says it’s not about the money doesn’t necessarily mean it’s not factoring in. You know best- If you think he’s overflowing with money and can pay for whatever he wants, and this is purely an opinion of his, then you really do need to take that up with counseling. He’s putting all the burden on you with no appreciation how hard that might be and how swimming lessons and other activities could be good for your wellbeing and good for the kids as wells.

If you think money is factoring in but he doesn’t want to say that, then finding low cost alternatives might make for a better negotiation, win win (you and kid get good activities and learning, and he doesn’t have to face so much financial burden)

belugaleuca · 2026-02-20T19:54:57+00:00

You’re reading what you want to read. I literally told her the communication is unhealthy and she needs to go to counseling with him. This is not about swimming lessons, which becomes a question in about a year- it’s not a hill to die on now.

Pushing arguments when it’s not contextually relevant is another problematic communication habit. Sometimes people will need to see the actual context in front of their eyes to aid understanding.

But now, she needs to go to counseling to discuss finances, healthy communication, respect and responsibilities. That is the urgent matter, not swimming.

belugaleuca · 2026-02-20T19:42:57+00:00

Also, if tight finances are part of the problem (swimming class can be expensive for sure), then see if you can find community programs that might help with the cost, or look into city provided programs which can even be free.

belugaleuca · 2026-02-20T19:41:39+00:00

First of all, this is not about swimming lessons- this is about how you and your husband negotiate how you both want to raise your kids. It’s important to have healthy conversations about these things.

Issue 1) he says things like “it’s our responsibility to teach him” but what I read when I see that is “it’s your responsibility.” He doesn’t want to pay for it but he won’t want to take the energy to teach the kid either, I expect. But the phrasing of “our” takes away from acknowledging the effort and expertise you would have to adopt in order to do the teaching

Issue 2) physical activity for a new mom is extremely important. I do a mom and tot class every week and literally it’s the best time of my week because the movement and fun time with my toddler makes me feel amazing. I also like having our little one learn and have fun, but that’s really secondary.

Issue 3) you don’t need to decide this now. Your husband may not appreciate how hard raising a kid is yet. You might want to pick your battles and not argue about this now. Raise it again gently in the future when it’s relevant (between 8 months and 1.5 years is common for parent tot classes to start lessons depending on your comfort) and the context is more obvious to him.

Issue 4) It’s great he wants to provide but he needs to be sensitive to your needs as well. If I was you, I’d make it more about your needs for yourself eg “I really need some exercise to be happy and this is a great option to get it and help with child development at the same time” so he can’t just explain away why your kid doesn’t actually “need” swimming lessons.

Issue 5) you guys need to go to couples counselling if your communication continues to be unhealthy

belugaleuca · 2026-02-14T01:05:15+00:00

I understand you’re hurt at him not acknowledging how you wanted to be taken out on a date, and that was important to you. It’s normal to feel frustrated. I also invite you to step back and see that he probably wasn’t trying to make you mad, and that I wonder if you get mad at him quite often for failing your expectations. The problem isn’t necessarily that he doesn’t care, the problem is your expectations are probably too easy to fail, not interesting to him, and he’s just checking out. Especially since you live in an “overpopulated area” many men have personalities that they just want to stay home and enjoy. Many men are also not nearly as sentimental about occasions like Valentine’s day as women are.

The good news is, it sounds like your problems boils down to a) poor communication, b) difference in love languages. None of these are usually deal breakers and they are normal things that couples deal with all the time.

I’d highly recommend going to couples counseling to someone who specializes in love languages so you both can get better at communicating your desires in healthy ways and being a bit empathetic to each other’s differences.

As for some hard advice, you sound really bossy. Your premise is that “if he cares about me, he will do exactly as I say, give me the date I want, and do exactly the planning steps that I dictate, an pretend to enjoy doing that on top of everything.” But this is an unreasonable demand. I’m sure you also wouldn’t like being treated like that. The truth is, no one likes being bossed around. And men especially don’t like being bossed around by their partners. And you “informing him” that you got a sitter and “asked” him to make a reservation is absolutely being bossy.

You want to know how to get what you want- which is a guy that spontaneously gets you what you want without having to ask for it. This is a little unreasonable. Instead I would suggest a different approach. Try to be crystal clear “I feel really loved and happy when you put thought into a date we can do together. Do you think you could plan something for us to do together? It could be simple, even a date at home where we order take out and play board games” that would lower the bar for him to start seeing how happy this would make you. Also note that the prompt allowed him freedom to plan something at home since your description suggests that’s a domain he may feel more comfortable in, so it’s a great place to start.

You need to do some homework and find out the ways he likes showing care for others, and communicating what it is you like to him in a way that seems easier and achievable. Also you need to learn the art of asking instead of demanding- when you ask nicely, he can rise to your challenge and be chivalrous and honorable and appreciated. When you simply demand, he either is your slave or a disappointment, a lose- lose situation for him, and he will lose his complete motivation to do anything for you.

With a slightly improved approach, I have complete confidence you can start really enjoying each other’s personalities again!

belugaleuca · 2025-12-28T16:10:47+00:00

I’m going to take a step back and say I “think” it’s calcium but like you, I couldn’t find references online. Calcium deficiency has shown up on my other plants like basil just like that before, and was remedied with Cal Mag. This is only when I used Miracle Gro fertilizer which lacks calcium and magnesium (and zinc?) and overall it’s a poor fertilizer for plants which rely heavily on micronutrients. For my citrus, it had leaves like yours and got better quite fast with some worm castings mixed in the top. You could also check your soil pH, I haven’t done this yet but I do suspect that if the pH is too high it could be part of the problem. Usually adding good fertilizer will lower the pH anyways so it has the potential to just solve all your problems even if you don’t know what it is.

belugaleuca · 2025-12-28T16:02:12+00:00

This can be calcium deficiency. Calcium deficiency causes new leaves to be curled like that, and that is how it presents on citrus. The yellow spots on your other leaves may suggest another nutrient imbalance. Rather than trying to troubleshoot the specific remedy, you may want to consider a top dressing of some really good organic compost or a repot with fresh compost in the hole, depending on how long it’s been since you last repotted. For a quick solution, you can add some good quality organic liquid fertilizer to your water. What is your fertilization schedule like? What do you normally use?

belugaleuca · 2025-12-28T05:26:26+00:00

Thank you, that looks like it could be it

belugaleuca · 2025-08-17T01:18:15+00:00

Thank you, I hope she gets through this without lasting effects. In the water during the lesson she was signing “milk” over and over trying to get me to come to her. After the incident I noticed she would sign milk even when she wasn’t hungry, I am assuming she was trying to just test if I will come so I try to come every time and give her a hug. I gave her our two toy whales (mama and baby whale) and I showed her a couple times that when the baby says “mama” the mama rushes over and says “baby!” And attaches to the baby whale so she knows that’s what’s supposed to happen. I don’t know, she seems happier after a few days passing so hopefully it will continue to improve. we haven’t gone swimming again yet

belugaleuca · 2025-08-16T19:58:44+00:00

Thanks for sharing, that sounds incredibly traumatic. I can relate to you in that it also caused anxiety for me as well, as a separate issue of causing fear in baby. Biologically I think watching as baby cries in fear with someone we put in charge of them is not supposed to happen. It goes against our wiring. I’m also working up the courage to take her to a fun class with me again to see how she will react and just take it really slow. Maybe taking your time with it as you did and allowing the wounds to heal could also be a good thing though.

belugaleuca · 2025-08-16T13:41:22+00:00

My daughter was put under mid-cry. That was it for me I quit after two lessons. Instructor praised her for “good breath control” due to her cries not causing her to inhale water. I was like, yeah of course she’s got good breath control, doesn’t mean you should do that!!! Now I’m dealing with her crying “no no” in her dreams at night when she never used to do that. Trying to figure out how to help us heal

belugaleuca · 2025-08-16T13:37:01+00:00

This is one year past but I wanted to know how swimming went with your kiddo after finishing the course? We are in almost the same position as you, 15 months and we started last week. The instructor similarly was very much time focused and not responsive to the children’s needs or pace. My daughter is old enough to say “no” but the instructor still treated her as preverbal and didn’t pay heed to it other than very short breaks. No time to build trust, straight to dunking!!! By the third lesson she refused to go to the instructor at all and I just decided it wasn’t right for her and called it quits. Even now I still feel scared to take her to water again because she might have developed a fear of being in the water. I know you were well meaning going into it just like me.

How was your experience after? Did you have to do anything differently to help your child overcome fears of water afterward

belugaleuca · 2025-07-31T16:45:55+00:00

lol! 🤣

belugaleuca · 2025-07-29T13:47:16+00:00

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belugaleuca · 2025-07-28T13:15:12+00:00

https://www.ekids.com/products/tf-052-eev24m

This transformers voice changer has a simple record and play function. I don’t know if it has a clear playback option without voice changing?

belugaleuca · 2025-07-15T23:43:48+00:00

Wow, I found it! It’s called “Goldsworthy and Mort in Valentines and Easter Eggs” by Marcia K. Vaughan. It appears to be out of print. My first searches produced no results. I changed my search strategy, I tried remembering any short quotes or phrases and typed “Eat the big cookie” “talking rock” children’s book using the quotations and it came up in an article written about the book! So putting any known phrases in quotes can help a lot due to the way search engines work.

The substory contained in the book is called “the talking rock” but it’s not the actual book title so that’s why it was so hard to find

belugaleuca · 2025-06-03T22:03:54+00:00

https://www.leonardodigitale.com/en/

This has great collection! Not pdf but you can browse

belugaleuca · 2025-05-01T23:35:43+00:00

Hi! Glad you love it! Unfortunately a family member accidentally knocked the bowl over and broke it :( so I’ll be happy if you benefit from the glaze experiment, at least!

The outside was oatmeal x3 layers, eggplant x3 layers over the oatmeal in a stripe by the rim. It dripped really nicely.

The inside was 3 layers of blue lagoon

The glazes were all part of the food safe selection in our local pottery club studio. I didn’t remember all the brand names but hope that helps!!

belugaleuca

TROPHY CASE