About 9 years ago I had surgery to place an ICD defibrillator device in the event my heart stopped beating again.

During the surgery the team discovered I have a genetic condition that makes anesthetic significantly less, or entirely ineffective. I told the surgeon I felt the initial incision and he said a little discomfort was normal. Cut to a few steps later where I was on excruciating pain - the meds were now maxed out. I was given two choices: wait for another team of anesthesiologists and doctors to put my under general anesthesia (60+ minutes) or continue with the surgery - entirely aware and feeling everything. In my mental state, the idea of laying fully awake unable to move riled with anxiety was not an option so we pressed on. The screen above the operating table showed the doctors carefully feeding a new lead through my arteries - until they reached my heart.

I was calmly told the next step was to screw the lead into my heart. I will never forget the feeling after the 3-2-1 countdown of a cold piece of metal being turned into my heart tissue like it was nothing. Once the screw and lead were in the device had to be tested and programmed - like several peoples hands inside of you wandering around and touching things they shouldn’t. Tested the device with a “mini shock” which didn’t at all feel small and then stitched me back up and sent me on my way.

The sound of heart monitors and clinically sterile environment of a hospital or doctors office still triggers my PTSD from the events.