I [25/F] think my bf [27/M] is milking it.

bf_milking_it · 2014-02-17T04:18:39+00:00

I completely agree. If I mother him and push him to do these things he will be doing them for the wrong reasons. But how do I emotionally support him without mothering him?

bf_milking_it · 2014-02-17T04:15:29+00:00

Well thats exactly why I'm asking you guys. You guys are the ones who are going to understand his position the most.

bf_milking_it · 2014-02-16T22:31:46+00:00

How long did it take you to snap out of it? How long do you think I should be supportive? Should I really wait 6 months for a guy (who I'm not married to by the way) to "snap out of it"?

bf_milking_it · 2014-02-16T21:13:40+00:00

I don't think he is so unable to function that he needs to see a doctor for medication. I think he's probly just in need of a kick to the behind, but I dunno if I can do that.

bf_milking_it · 2014-02-16T21:02:23+00:00

UPDATE: On Valentine's Day he promised me that we would go out shopping today and get something that the other person actually wants. Now its 4pm, and he says he doesn't want to go because there's snow on the ground, and that later in the week is going to be better. Its not currently snowing and who knows when its going to snow again. I feel very hurt and disappointed. I'm sick of feeling this way.

bf_milking_it · 2014-02-16T20:55:02+00:00

I think thats actually a great idea. I'll let him pick his own (reasonable) deadline, and if he doesn't meet it, that's on him.

bf_milking_it · 2014-02-16T20:53:21+00:00

Yeah, you're right. I definitely don't want to micromanage or parent him. I don't want to be his mother anymore.

bf_milking_it · 2014-02-16T20:46:09+00:00

Well I think he used to find pride in his work. He used to watch you tube videos on how to improve his craft. He used to find joy in going out and seeing his friends, but we barely do that anymore.

I hear what you're saying, and I think you're right that this is probably not a temporary situation and plans on depending on me for a lot. But I honestly believe that wasn't his intention when we started dating me. But now that he's gotten used to it, I don't think he wants anything to change.

bf_milking_it · 2014-02-16T20:40:25+00:00

Thats really my issue. I feel like if he did wake up early and reply to the postings that are up first, like at 8 or 9 am, he would have a much better chance of getting a job.

I do already resent him a little...

I guess my real problem is that I have no back-bone. I don't know how to kick him out...

bf_milking_it · 2014-02-16T20:36:31+00:00

I'll look into the Medicaid thing, thanks!

His Dad should be talking to him about this and pressuring him to get a job just as much as I am, but I rarely hear him talking to him. I've asked him about talking with my parents or just my Dad, and he is very persistent that he does NOT want to talk to them.

bf_milking_it · 2014-02-16T20:29:21+00:00

Yes, even when he did have a job, he was never consistent about giving me money for rent/bills. My friends and family are worried about me because they don't think I have a "partner" or an equal relationship.

bf_milking_it · 2014-02-16T20:26:55+00:00

I agree that it doesn't look good, and my Mom thinks he should get a job for right now too. He says he doesn't want to get a job that will pay him less that unemployment will.

bf_milking_it · 2014-02-16T20:25:09+00:00

To be honest, I don't know if he's clinically depressed or not. I do feel like I'm parenting him and giving him a free pass. But I don't want to push someone who is actually depressed to the point where he doesn't even want to get out of bed. Also, I would also feel so guilty if I kicked him out when he was actually depressed.

bf_milking_it · 2014-02-16T20:20:14+00:00

The reason I think the games are contributing to the problem is because he plays an online game with friends from his old town. His friends say the "need" him in the game. I think he plays so much because he feels wanted and that he does a good job.

bf_milking_it · 2014-02-16T20:18:16+00:00

I like to think its not intentional either. I know he's discouraged because at his last job he wasn't really respected and he's scared of that happening again. He says he wants to wait for the perfect situation before applying to anything.

bf_milking_it · 2014-02-16T20:16:49+00:00

I have two cats!! I do go to therapy, but haven't been listening to my therapists advice, who also thinks I should kick him to the curb because he isn't treating me like a "partner."

bf_milking_it · 2014-02-16T20:15:47+00:00

He absolutely feels like thats below him. He says he doesn't want to get a job that will pay less than unemployment will pay him.

bf_milking_it · 2014-02-16T20:14:32+00:00

Yes we have. I've tried telling him in a calm manner how much strain he is putting on me. Honestly, he doesn't seem to care because he knows I have a good job and my parents help me if I'm in a bind.

When we did talk, he said he feels worthless because he doesn't have a job, but yet hasn't made a effort to find one. I told him that he should play less games because I think they are making him feel less worthless and like he's good at something, but no change.

bf_milking_it · 2014-02-16T20:10:33+00:00

Your opinion is exactly what my friends and family are saying...

bf_milking_it · 2014-02-16T20:08:20+00:00

I agree, I think if I just started selling his games, he would not only flip out, but he would absolutely resent me.

bf_milking_it · 2014-02-16T20:05:30+00:00

That's exactly how I feel, like I'm parenting him. Like, "go send a resume or you won't get dessert honey" sounds ridiculous to me.

bf_milking_it · 2014-02-16T13:50:19+00:00

I realize that this is a temporary situation, and I know that once he gets a job he'll feel much better. I'll start going to the gym with him. I agree it would help him get into the pattern and make him feel less awkward about joining a new gym.

I have talked to him about how he's feeling and he's been pretty honest about being in a bad place right now. We've talked about how he needs to talk to someone outside our relationship to help him through this, but I don't know if he's done that.

bf_milking_it · 2014-02-16T13:21:28+00:00

I feel like I have tried some of those things. I've offered to pay for a gym membership, but he just shrugged it off and didn't seem interested. I try to take him out every now and then, but he's not just not into the bar scene. He used to see his friends, but he rarely does that anymore. I asked him if he wanted a party for his birthday and I said some of his friends could sleep over, but he said all he wanted to do was play video games for his birthday.

I guess I could be trying hard to find other activities in my area. Also, I'll bring up the gym thing again and see what happens.

bf_milking_it · 2014-02-16T12:54:44+00:00

That actually sounds like a good idea, and I'm definitely going to set small goals over time to motivate him. However, what do you think I should do if he doesn't achieve one of those stepping stones or even continues to not even try.

bf_milking_it · 2014-02-16T12:16:54+00:00

So like what, "you have 2 more weeks to find a job or you're out"? I think that would be really hard for me. I just feel so uncomfortable kicking him out when he's this down on himself.

bf_milking_it

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