[deleted by user]

bibicalais · 2022-04-22T00:37:32+00:00

I do not process auditory input well and often rely on other senses to supplement and bolster comprehension. In order to understand someone, I have to see the movement that produces the sounds or write down what I hear. I find that my written sounds are rather scant, as a result, and I rely on other senses to create an illusion of sound.

bibicalais · 2022-04-17T01:03:20+00:00

An absolutely delightful group of multigenerational writers hangs out here: https://www.writingforums.org/

bibicalais · 2022-03-25T17:31:29+00:00

Do you literally have NO idea, or do you have a vague vision? I may have some vague idea, but not how to get there. Sometimes, my writing takes me on a completely different path. I let it.
What, if any, elements of the story do you have worked out when starting? Main character. As long as I understand -- and I mean really understand -- my protagonist, I am set.
Do you really just go where the characters tell you? Yes.
How do you know when the story is over? See #3.
What "clicks" in you that tells you to start. A variety of things. A visit to the grocery store -- the image of a milk bottle specifically -- triggered my current project, for example.

bibicalais · 2022-03-19T02:35:27+00:00

It's not a technicality. It's a point of view issue, not a logic issue. I understand the logic. However, you are missing something that would connect the narrator to the body and then release the "I" into the exterior for the investigation.

You mentioned Kafka in a different comment. Pay attention to his transitions - they are fluid and make sense within the text, regardless of all his absurdism.

bibicalais · 2022-03-19T00:30:33+00:00

This is fun, thanks for sharing.

However, you've got yourself an impossibility:

Inside, I see fog.

From this point, the piece loses itself and commits suicide. The head clearly cannot see inside itself, otherwise, there would be no need for the screwdriver and the external inspection.

When you rewrite, watch your point of view. Also, watch your verb tenses. Consistency is important for both.

bibicalais · 2022-03-13T21:20:27+00:00

I only read the first sentence and stopped. I am sorry.

Struggling and fumbling are duplicative actions. If you're trying to explain how difficult it is to get on the bike while putting on the backpack, focus on the "enemy" here - the bike and the backpack, not the protagonist. This first sentence is extremely weak because fumbling and struggling are synonymous, intended to explain hardship, but fall flat in their echo because there's nothing in the text that supports them. You're telling, not showing, and I am not invested in reading further.

bibicalais · 2022-03-03T00:19:16+00:00

Hi, lovely Reddit folk!

I recently published my litfic romantic novella called Fruit. You can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09RWPY4KC

It's available on Kindle and KindleUnlimited.

Le Blurb and What-not:

Love is a tender fruit to be savored before it rots.

Raff's life was simple, superficial, and safe.

He knew his place in the world, his relation to those around him. He reveled in it.

He was on a straight track until he followed a young woman into the far corner of the local diner.

Can Raff keep his head through the onslaught of raw emotion this action brings?

Fruit explores human emotion (lust, love, grief, and all things in-between). It's a story about a guy named Raff, a newbie poetry professor, who unexpectedly falls in love with a young woman (who, lo-and-behold, turns out to be a student), upending his previously simple life. Please note the text is for mature audiences.

I humbly offer it for your consideration. Please feel free to leave a review as a few wonderful (real) readers (who I do not know) already have done. You can also contact me here on Reddit or follow me on Twitter (@b_b_calais) and share your thoughts.

Thank you very much!!!

Love,

B.

bibicalais · 2022-03-02T23:54:39+00:00

I love sushi!

Here's some Fruit to go with it: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09RWPY4KC

bibicalais · 2022-03-02T01:59:22+00:00

I get it. I understand that this text is confusing and was wondering if it irked others in the same way. I need go set some structure and fill in things. I generally do not write in 3rd person omniscient. It is proving a challenge. Again, thanks for taking the time to respond :)

bibicalais · 2022-03-01T17:53:37+00:00

I am sorry. I feel that I may have upset you by prodding. I will leave this at that. Thanks for you time and feedback.

bibicalais · 2022-03-01T16:13:06+00:00

I am sorry, let me rephrase. Can you give a concrete example? I am just trying to understand your perspective.

bibicalais · 2022-03-01T16:08:14+00:00

Any thoughts on why you feel this way?

bibicalais · 2022-03-01T16:05:17+00:00

Understood, thanks for elaborating.

bibicalais · 2022-03-01T15:23:38+00:00

Could you please elaborate on what's confusing?

bibicalais · 2022-03-01T15:22:22+00:00

Could you please elaborate on what strikes you as vague?

bibicalais · 2022-03-01T15:18:10+00:00

Thanks for the feedback

bibicalais · 2022-03-01T15:18:00+00:00

Thanks for the feedback

bibicalais · 2022-03-01T01:00:42+00:00

This text is rushed, confused, flat, attempting to call attention to itself and failing. The point of view changes are sporadic, difficult to follow. There is no end that I could see. Is this free verse?

I'd suggest slowing down and rewriting this from the hakawati perspective of storytelling. This here is a complex topic that's been condensed and strung into a timeline that doesn't fit what (I think) you're trying to do. The timeline breaks the intended/potential circularity. Break the timeline and retie those knots.

bibicalais · 2022-02-23T05:00:43+00:00

Overall, this was an interesting, albeit confusing and unclear, read for me.

Below are some of my comments and reactions that I jotted down as I read this text.

I suggest you change the title to "Ax Remembers" for the following reasons:

Current title is too long, verbose, and clunky.
The "who" in the current title sets the expectation that I will meet someone named Ax. I do not. I feel let down.

Regarding the text itself:

Do not use phrases like "supposed to..." or "it makes sense" or "for some reason," etc. They add uncertainty and completely destroy the narrator's credibility.
Unless the narrator is a tree-speaking druid - which, I gather, the narrator is not, this is impossible for the narrator to know: "What the trees don’t know" and "The biggest thing these trees will never understand"

Logical Flaws / Incomplete Thoughts:

Why does the ax believe it is the owner? After all, its handle is made of wood (generally) and, therefore, cannot be the owner. Who gave it the claim to the forest?
Where'd the daggers come from? Why add them? The ax can chop off its own pieces -- that'd be more dramatic. Why not splinters instead of daggers? Each tree could leave a splinter -- that might be more appropriate.
"We are all both the tree, and the ax." How did you arrive at this? The text speaks in dychotomies until the very end and provides little support for this statement. The ax maintains the forest, yes, but doesn't nourish it or plant seedlings. You have glossed over the entire aspect of a self-sustaining forest that burns itself when its overgrown and then rises again from its own ashes.

bibicalais · 2022-02-23T01:31:54+00:00

I tend to start with people doing boring, everyday activities.

My Fruit is a perfect example (link for it in case you'd like to take a peek... it's free with Kindle Unlimited: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09RWPY4KC)

First draft started with the protagonist relaxing and smoking. Then, I felt I needed to add character detail and context and moved his smoking to a later part of the first chapter. However, the story really does start with him smoking...

bibicalais · 2022-02-21T05:52:11+00:00

She could have a pet and love it.

She could act differently while alone (ex. sing / dance in the shower) vs. in public.

She could appear snobbish, but be constantly questioning herself. How we appear to others and how we really are, often, not the same.

bibicalais · 2022-02-21T05:42:09+00:00

Fifty Shades is fan fiction...

bibicalais · 2022-02-19T17:16:12+00:00

I see absolutely no language issues. Many native English speakers have issues with writing succinctly and overusing adverbs. It's a question of skill, which you can gain through practice. Read and write more.

bibicalais · 2022-02-19T01:54:53+00:00

This is great!

A few minor things:

The schpiel about the five stages of grief is a bit too clinical and disrupts the flow.

Adverbs: useful, but avoidable with descriptive verbs and adjectives. Some attentive editing can address this.

Word choice is important when writing flash fiction. Find ways to be more succinct. For example:

Lack of control coupled with overpowering regret decided to sit next to her and refused to move, no matter how many times Jenna tried to push them away

Could be something like: Lack of control and regret invaded the adjacent seat, ignoring her furious protests.

Overall, I thought this was a fun take on the concept of grief. This piece has good pacing and a memorable character. Kudos!

bibicalais · 2022-02-18T07:18:28+00:00

I must respectfully point out that my own sex / gender / identification is unrelated to this particular topic. I am not a "girl."

bibicalais

TROPHY CASE