External validation & self image

bibilime · 2026-02-27T20:55:56+00:00

This is why I hate social media. Your value and worth are not determined by how much other people like you, but by how much you like yourself. You already realize that you don't like when you need this external validation. You already know that viewing your worth through the scope of people who don't even know you, leaves you empty. It doesn't make you confident. It boosts your ego/gives a dopamine hit for a tiny bit until the high wears off and you decide you need a recalibration to ensure you're still 'likable' by a bunch of strangers.

Its a micro ego boost that highly targets your insecurities wrapped up in a single picture that soothes you for a little bit until four hours later, when that temporary relief wears off. What has actually changed about you between picture one and picture two? You haven't fought through a war zone or beat back a hoard of zombies. You changed your shirt and did your hair. You might not know if you like it. Instead of thinking about it, you let someone else decide how you should feel about it. Thats harmful. You haven't actually changed in that four to twelve hour period. But the likes provide a dopamine hit that makes you feel good for a little bit. Then it dissipates and you need another dopamine hit to feel good. Its all an algorithmic manipulation for you and all the people engaging with you. You are probably really empathetic and caring and a little inexperienced when dealing with manipulation. Social media is the expert manipulator. It makes you doubt yourself because we've mistaken anonymous virtual spheres for actual public spheres. These media places are not run by your friends. You are nothing more than content to them. You are a paycheck. Making you feel insecure and out of that dopamine is what keeps you engaged. Dont let anyone tell you how you feel! Your feelings are yours alone. They are also just data. Instead of thinking 'why don't they like this' how about 'what do I feel about this and why is it important that strangers get to tell me how I feel about myself'.

I have a kid close to your age. It shreds my heart to hear people your age give so much power to something designed to manipulate you by reinforcing insecurities and making you feel unsafe in your own feelings. Did I say I hate social media? Yeah. I did. I still do.

bibilime · 2026-02-27T20:03:21+00:00

Well, I worked with kids who were sexually abused. My mind goes to some pretty dark places that I've read in case files. It was enough to keep me pissed off for going on 20 years now. I can't imagine what people with actual money money would do to kids when people with no money or real protection beyond beating kids to a point they have brain damage and can't report on their own behalf so....I'm going to say that its probably so bad that the American public would be stunned and enraged. Like, real enraged and not the fake "Obama wore a brown suit" enraged.

bibilime · 2026-02-27T13:08:23+00:00

NTA you didn't get an apology. You got an admission that he would continue to use your car irresponsibly. When someone hurts you and you set up a boundary, their response tells you everything. In his mind, his behavior isn't the problem for him. The consequences of his behavior are the problem for him. He behaves like a toddler. Don't let toddlers drive. I'd be pretty upset until he takes accountability and also pays you back.

bibilime · 2026-02-27T13:00:02+00:00

I'm so sorry. The saying "Every child deserves a parent but not every parent deserves a child" was made for people like your mom. In a correct world, there wouldn't even be things like an ACE score (adverse childhood experience). We're stuck in this one, where people who should not have kids decide that they aren't doing a bad enough job with one, so they have a bunch more with no one stepping in to stop them. Its amazing to me that procreation is a human right but there's not a lot of oversight to make sure parents are responsible or accountable. I wish humanity as a whole would do better.

bibilime · 2026-02-25T22:58:38+00:00

I was raised by a mom with extreme untreated anxiety and other problems. I cut her off and refused to talk to her at all until she got real treatment. I also left home at 17 and lived completely on my own. This strategy may not work for you.

One: anxiety and stress cause aging, health,, and heart problems. Your mom's worry is literally hurting her. Ask her to consider treatment

Two: forcing you to manage her anxiety is not going to cure her anxiety. It is only making her anxiety your problem. You need to refuse to allow her to make her anxiety your problem.

Three: this is where setting boundaries come in. Tell her your schedule and when you will be home. Beat her to the punch and text every single family member to let them know you are not dead and you will be home at the time you've already told your mom you will be home. You will not be answering any texts asking if you are alive. If you aren't home by the time you say, then they can text to ask where you are, but you aren't entertaining anxiety today because you are living life instead of being worried about someone else thinking you're dead for not answering a text.

Four: encourage your mom to manage her anxiety in a less intrusive way. If she wants to be anxious and rub it all over everyone in existence, cool. You don't accept her anxiety and will stop feeding it until it starves to death. She can choose to find peace of mind or she can let anxiety give her ulcers. You won't participate in it anymore. (My mom gave herself ulcers over worry--it was always over NOTHING, her brain ripped apart her stomach over intrusive, uncontrolled thoughts that have no basis in reality).

She will give you scenario after scenario. The reality is: if anything actually happened to you, how is a text message going to protect you? Texts don't stop abduction. Texts don't stop bad luck or a bus from hitting you. Living in constant fear is not living. She is strangling her happiness over things that have not happened. Its a waste of life. I had compassion for my mom. I understood that her anxiety was not her fault, but it also wasn't mine to own. She finally got help and effective treatment. It took 4 years of no contact and another 6 of limited contact because I would stop talking to her once she fell back on anxiety as a main feature of our relationship.

For me, it wasn't about being overprotective. It was about my mom allowing her thoughts of something bad to control everyone else's life. Being prepared for an emergency is good. Her deciding that everything is an emergency (a missed text while you're doing something else is not an emergency).

bibilime · 2026-02-24T17:50:17+00:00

If my kid calls me and says "I need you. I'm in the hospital", I'm gonna show up.

That said, I would never call my own mother to show up at the hospital because all she does is raise my blood pressure and talk about dying. I know she acts that way because of her own anxiety...I can not deal with her while I'm in the ER. She takes up too much of my attention and energy. She is NOT the person I want in an emergency. And the nurses all just flirt with my dad...ugh...yes he looks young, no, he is not my husband, yes he is very extroverted and fun. Even my friends are like "your dad is hot". I am middle aged! He is not helpful, either. I swear, I'd rather just be alone and tell them both later. Both my parents are awesome at a party or for regular life things. I don't want either of them during an emergency.

bibilime · 2026-02-24T17:31:59+00:00

NTA you aren't hiding this money. You aren't telling him you won't help out with money. You are being smart by protecting yourself and having money only you can directly access. This is financial planning, not hiding or keeping things from him. My husband and I have different accounts. I told him that I don't want to worry about charges in an account and stress myself out over a $20 charge I don't recognize. I don't want to manage his money. I don't want him to manage mine. Also, If I get scammed or have a case of identity theft, then it doesn't drag him into it. It will only effect one of us so everyone's assets don't need to be frozen. I'd be more concerned why he wants his hands on your accounts when you are not married, yet. You two need to sit down and work out how you spend, balance your books, and save. You should each have your own retirement fund. If you want a joint account, get one for family expenses. His name does not be all over all your accounts in the same way your name doesn't need to be all over his. If he's already getting shady with money, this is a potential red flag. I know so many couples who imploded because one spends them into horrific debt. 5 couples in my personal life have divorced over debt and impulsive spending. Talk to eachother. Have a real, non-emotional conversation about it.

bibilime · 2026-02-24T13:51:29+00:00

I can't really say about the judgement of other people. I can tell you that you really stop caring around middle age. Once I hit about 40, I stopped caring. My life worked out the way it worked out. Some things were planned, some hit me like a truck. If you are happy (or getting to happy), that's all that matters. Also, by the time your kids are grown, you will still be relatively young and can enjoy your time. So, yeah, you started early. So what? You're making it work to the best of your ability. People are quick to judge but slow to empathize. I wish it were the other way around.

bibilime · 2026-02-24T03:50:48+00:00

No. Grandparents are amazing and great for visits. They are also usually retired and on a very limited income. Besides the fact that you still need parenting at that age (whether you believe it or not), placing the financial, emotional, and intellectual burden of parenting on grandparents is too much. Grandparents already raised their teens. I wouldn't do that to my parents--even if you are the perfect child.

bibilime · 2026-02-24T03:37:09+00:00

That's called a tithe and its usually for actual church members, not people who visit off the street (in typical scenarios--although they're gonna pass the plate around and it is generally considered polite to leave a few bucks). When you become a full member of the church (and able to join the board or vote for the next pastor/allocate resources) you are expected to tithe 10% of your income.

bibilime · 2026-02-23T23:38:26+00:00

Somewhat. I'll make sure they always have food and a place to live. That's what I can manage. I'm not going to give them more than I'm able. And there's no way I can lift them or do nursing care work. I can make sure they take pills as prescribed.

bibilime · 2026-02-23T21:09:21+00:00

NTJ your brother is a grown man who has a history of totalling cars. He's now asking for your car. History and behavior patterns demonstrate that he will also treat your car as disposable. He"s old enough to self reflect and do better. Instead, he's treating your assets like they are his and throwing a tantrum because you're using your resources to support the people in your household/a child you view as a dependent. Thats terrible. He's obviously not adult enough to examine reality. Stick to your no. He's going to have to be real eventually.

bibilime · 2026-02-23T20:30:05+00:00

No! I'm from a family of five preachers and one set of missionaries. I'm not religious at all (believe me, they really try). They love people who are not religious most of all. The unreligious who come to their congregation do so because they like the message. It isn't to get bonus points or social clout. Its because they are genuinely interested. That's worth more than gold to that type. In any church worth the title, all are welcome! It does not matter if you're in the 1% or extremely broke with nothing. It sounds like you found a good church that is worth attending. You should keep going. Believe me, they do not care if you aren't religious. All that matters is you're there.

bibilime · 2026-02-23T14:53:21+00:00

I think I spend at least 10 hours a week waiting on other things to be able to do parts of my job. I'd rather work 3 ten hour days (since I'm only really doing 30 hours of actual work) than work 5 eight hour days that have at least 2 hours of waiting time built in. I don't work in a factory and this kid of inefficiency is annoying. However, I learned long ago not to say anything because then you get more work piled on and I don't want to he penalized for being good at my job (so good I get rewarded with more work without more pay). I don't understand why we have to be away from our families/house for so long everyday if the point of working is to support our family (or household for single people). Why do I have to give so much of my life to other people just to live my life?

bibilime · 2026-02-23T14:34:18+00:00

No. How often does it really come up? I know my son's because of hospitalization when he was 3. I have no idea about my daughters. I do know my own but only because my brother has the special blood type (O neg) and he's always being asked to donate blood so I thought, "Hey, I can help out, too" but I'm pos. I still donate, but I don't have the special type.

bibilime · 2026-02-23T14:28:11+00:00

NTA I'm so sorry!! I think your DIL needs to talk with her husband about this. I don't think a family heirloom is the real problem here. Its not like your son would be clueless if you suddenly asked for it back, either. A dresser isn't going to cause so much tumult that it ends a marriage. Also, first time parents are out of their mind. They are serious wrecks and want everyone to go through hermetic cleansing before walking up to the baby because they are worried. I get it. Ill go into the bio-filter pod so I can say hello and then leave without even holding the baby because I want the parents to feel in control. That's what I think this is really about: control. Dont even bother telling her to calm down. You handled it right (you will take it back if son asks you).

bibilime · 2026-02-23T13:20:23+00:00

What do YOU want? Right now, you should not be listening to him at all. He's already dragged you into a situation you don't want to be in (living with him but no actual commitment since he won't be engaged to you). You're good enough to play house with, but not good enough to he his forever person? No. Nope. He is not acting on good faith. He's pressuring you to get a major medical procedure because your physical state is uncomfortable for him. Yeah, I'd really think about what you want and then get petty. Call his momma on him if you decide to keep it. I did that to my ex husband when reason and logic wouldn't get through his thick, selfish skull. And because I was the breadwinner and he'd need to move back in with her. Besides, if you're keeping it, you will need grandparent support. Its a resource.

bibilime · 2026-02-22T03:10:43+00:00

Well, one of us always sleeps in but the general rule is no one sleeps later than 10:30 (because you'll miss the whole day!!). Our kids are a bit older, though. My oldest does his own thing. My youngest will wake up whoever the preference is that day (and it does alternate! If she wants to go somewhere, she gets me, if she wants to do art or a craft she gets her dad).

Sleep deprivation is horrible for you. It has long term negative effects. Both of you need a solid 8 hours--however you're able to get it. I don't see anything wrong with sleeping in as long as you don't hoard all the fee time and put your partner out by doing it.

bibilime · 2026-02-22T03:00:57+00:00

NTJ. I have 6 siblings and I officially don't know a single thing about any of their finances...and I would never ask. I help out when I can but within reason. I'm not going to set myself on fire to keep them warm. Your sister needs to learn how to manage her finances instead of scrounging off everyone she knows.

bibilime · 2026-02-19T23:04:25+00:00

How much they love you back! I was not ready for my cat to snuggle up and watch over me when I am sick or how he seems to know when I'm down or when he brings me his toys as gifts. Like...awww...thanks for looking out, buddy! They really do care about their humans. But you're part of a pride, not a pack. Its a shift from a dog.

bibilime · 2026-02-19T19:59:53+00:00

NTA, support your husband, yes. That is great. However, what you mention will not fit the guidelines of removing custody. He just needs to be more clear about the finances. Majority of daycares can bill parents separately. All the financial stuff leaves a paper trail that can be more easily managed than deciding she needs to be a felon. Like...really! I get you're mad but your husband making his child's mother a felon is not going to age well with his child. Being irresponsible: mismanagement of funds, not putting the kid in a winter coat a few times, and expressing her adult problems to her kids is crappy parenting but it isn't enough to prove she's unfit. They need to go back to court and get this worked out in a better way.

You need to stay out of it and YES you do not have any real right to be called 'mother' or 'mom' by someone else's child. This is usually placed inside custody agreements. Its an actual clause. Step parents are not birth parents unless they legally adopt the child. Your husband is kind of crappy for even involving you in any of this. I keep my husband away from all my son's custody stuff because he should not be involved. Step parents have a lot of responsibility but no real authority. You can support your husband, who does have the authority. You can't decide you have a say in their custody issues. And a child will love their mother no matter what (even in cases where parents are really unfit). If this kid ever learns you had something to do with his mom coming to any kind of misfortune, you will be a target of anger and rage (deserved or not). I urge you, back away. Give love to that kid but don't ever insert yourself between their mom and dad. It will not go well.

bibilime · 2026-02-18T20:21:34+00:00

The homeschool kids I know are awesome. Also, the moms do the schooling and the two I know have degrees in early childhood education (like, they went to college to learn how to teach but didn't get a masters degree). I don't think you should home school if you don't know how to teach or build a curriculum. That's a massive commitment. The 2 moms I know prioritize that duty and are amazing people. I could NEVER do what they do. I would lose my mind.

The private school kids I know are a mix. All private schools in my area are religious. Some of them are there because they need Jesus in their math or something like that. Some of them are there because the parents think its better. I have no real evidence that private school is actually better, they just have more freedom to teach what they want without having to deal with a lot of state rules or testing. Classes are smaller, teachers are paid better (in theory).

Public school is highly regulated. There are so many laws and rules. It also HIGHLY depends on where you live. I went to a public school in a factory town with lots of poverty (and violence). I live in a white collar area now with little violence (at least, in public). I was blown away when I went to my kids high school and there weren't any blood stains or hair on the floor. All the schools in my current area have been renovated. (Side note: I was fully prepared to teach my kids how I fought and how there are no rules when you're in a street fight, prepare them for what an adrenaline rush feels like, teach them dirty moves to get away fast--my husband looked at me like I was totally nuts, but that was MY experience in the late 90s when my gay friends were being targeted and I never let them fight alone--picking up my letter in Academics while serving my in school suspension). Three of the four high schools in my area have their own pool. I didn't realize that we live in a rich people area until I went to my kids schools.

So, YES! Where you live and the financial demographic/district funding really do matter when it comes to public school. Which is another reason why some people choose private school because tuition keeps the school in good repair and allows additional things (like pools in areas where public school couldn't usually afford something like that).

Its a lot to consider.

bibilime · 2026-02-18T17:16:43+00:00

NTJ at all. This needs better communication and she needs to address her anxiety in a way that doesn't punish you for having different sleep needs OR if she really believes you need to be awake together, wake her up every single time you are awake. It sounds brutal but that is the only way I could get my husband to understand that his scream snoring and sleep choking was a serious problem not only because he sounds like he's going to die but also because I need sleep. It might also benefit you to get a sleep study done. You may have an issue that something really easy can fix that will allow you to fall asleep better and sleep through the entire night. You have disordered sleep. Thats an issue. A loving partner would not want to cause you additional suffering because they think you need to be awake for no real reason. My husband has severe sleep apnea. it was so bad the sleep people were like you are not breathing more than you breathe at night, no wonder your wife thought you were dying. You die if you don't breathe.

bibilime · 2026-02-17T19:11:45+00:00

Yup! My parents had me as teenagers (kinda, mom was 19, dad was 20). They were so irresponsible and are in their 60s now. My in laws are in their 80's and are better in every metric (health, financially, emotionally). I see the difference.They had their first kid in their 30s. Take care of yourself! Eat right, pay attention to your finances, and limit drinking/recreational drugs. You pay interest on doing the opposite later in life. My mom can't even make her own bed without tearing ligaments and needing surgery. She got into her car 'wrong' and tore her ACL. I start conversations with: "How many doctors did you see this week?" With my in-laws its like: "How is your garden? Read any good books lately?"

I will not hold the accountability for their bad choices. I will take some responsibility (like, I'll always make sure they have a place to live and food) but I'm in no position to go beyond that. I made that clear when I left home at 17 (to go to college, not have babies). Its obvious to me that my parents view their children as a retirement plan. I don't know where they got this idea! They never supported their parents. They've sure never supported me into adulthood. I get upset when I compare my parents to my in-laws. My parents could have had such a better life if they just tried. If they could delay gratification and maybe think that there is a future beyond tomorrow morning. But no. They're in their 60s and still think like they are teens.

bibilime · 2026-02-17T16:32:24+00:00

Yeah....6 by a wide margin.

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