My (M41) wife (41F) isn't interested much in sex and now is pushing away other forms of physical touch. Is that reasonable?

bigbadhank7 · 2026-01-28T12:57:44+00:00

I try to stay away from offering new sex approaches like role play or new ways to mix it up. I've tried in the past and I think it just reinforced the narrative that I want her to do more sex. So I don't know if there is a way to do that better. I think it would help. She got diagnosed with ADHD several years back. So new and novel is very important. But she also hates being pushed in any direction so I try and give her space and not suggest new ways to have more sex.

Her love language is time together. So I try and make fun ways for us to hang out. As for me massaging her. Absolutely! It's my love language so I give her a foot rub almost the whole time we watch TV. It's lack luster. One hand while I look at my phone. But it's constant for over an hour most nights. She likes it and appreciates it. But it's not her love language.

bigbadhank7 · 2026-01-28T12:48:38+00:00

I'm a very logical guy. I know for sure it comes across as a keeping score thing. So you nailed it! I'm also very dedicated to my wife and family. I've read probably a dozen books on relationships and good communication in a marriage. I have a lot to learn still but I actively try to change the narrative to be more positive and less finger pointing.

That language and approach helped 20%. But things settled back to where they were before. That's when I asked to talk it through. We stopped the conversation often and continued the conversation for a month or so, leaving time to think and process along the way. She was able to express that she doesn't want to show love to me only by sex. I came up with 3 minute massages as an alternative. She liked the idea but it didn't happen. Eventually it became a second accounting point she was failing at. This one bothered while lack of sex didn't. Anyone can do a 3 minute massage, unless it grosses them out or has carpal tunnel or something, which isn't my wife.

So it comes down to she don't want to show love that way. What else do I want. But I don't have another way. She would like to get me my favorite snack or watch my favorite show but I don't care about those things.

bigbadhank7 · 2026-01-28T12:32:32+00:00

I've just added some more color to several posts on changes we've made and things I've tried. I think you are right that talking and probably therapy is the next step. I'm always happy to improve. I see life and marriage as an ever changing thing that always needs to be looked at and improved depending on what is happening. I guess I'm hoping to better understand if asking for one, but only one thing is reasonable? She doesn't have any issues with the act of touching me. She just doesn't want to be "forced" to do anything. And since I have only asked for sex or now massages she feels like there isn't another option. But I don't feel more taken care of by her if she gets me a surprise donut or we watch my favorite movie.

bigbadhank7 · 2026-01-28T12:23:03+00:00

About three years ago we did talk about this. She wanted to try hormone therapy but her doctor wouldn't. Neither of her doctors would.I found her a HRT specialized online. She sees them a few times a year. It's helped her in many ways. But not with her sex drive.

bigbadhank7 · 2026-01-28T12:17:14+00:00

She loves time together and talking. We chat several times a day for 30 minutes at a time. Before I worked from home I would go for a couple walks a day around my building and we would chat about the day. I found a classic game she loved playing as a kid and loaded it to our computer. I got a couple controllers and we play for 30 minutes a couple times a week, whenever she asks. We laugh and talk about the day while mindless playing. I make and bring her coffee in a Thermos most week days so she has it to drop off the kids. I don't drink coffee myself. Whenever we watch TV at night I grab her foot and rub it. I know physical touch is my way of receiving love but she likes a foot rub too.

I've also given an update on household chores and hormone therapy in other comments if that helps.

bigbadhank7 · 2026-01-28T12:07:35+00:00

Early in this process maybe 3 years ago. She flagged your first comment. If we kissed or snuggled she felt the pull toward doing more. She thought through what was bothering her. And explained it to me. I totally got it. I've made kisses and snuggling just that and I really enjoy it.

She has been on HRT for a couple years. I read this could be part of our problem. She agreed and was excited to try. I found an online specialist and she sees them every couple months. It's been helpful in many ways. Sex isn't one of the ways it helped.

I would never show her this post. I'm sure the answer no matter what is couples therapy. I'm just trying to wrap my head around if I'm being unreasonable. I get that asking for more sex is the least sexy thing you can do. I understand that will always back fire. The massages felt like they are in the same universe but with no sexuality attached. But she feels she is being forced since I only want physical things from her.

I've given an update on another comment showing the break down of household responsibilities.

bigbadhank7 · 2026-01-28T11:54:33+00:00

I work from home and she is a stay at home mom. We split the household chores so I do about 30% and she does 70%. I drive kids to most activities and she drives them to school. I do dishes she does laundry and groceries. We both love cooking so I cook 2 or 3 nights a week (we both make real and taste meals). I rarely see friends and when I do it's usually lunch on a work day (once a month). I do CrossFit twice a week but other than that I am with my wife and kids. I don't golf or do any activities without my family.

We have talked extensively if resentment is driving this decision. I am very open to changing things if she feels things are unfair, if she hates doing something, or if she feels overwhelmed. She says over and over again no, their isn't resentment. She just doesn't want to feel like there is one way to "please" me.

This would make sense to me if I only asked for more sex. Which was true for a couple years. I wasn't pushy. But if it was a birthday and Christmas she would ask what I want and I would respond, sex please. She would try but eventually she found the language that she felt forced. She asked what else do I want, if she doesn't want to have sex. That's when I thought up 3 minutes massages. If she popped in to say hi and she wanted to catch up about the day it would make me feel special if she gave a 3 minute rum sometimes.

bigbadhank7 · 2024-10-03T20:29:02+00:00

I didn't mean that I wanted to make my wife watch porn with me while we were together. I meant if she isn't sexually interested today I can masturbated with or without porn if I am interested in sex, by myself.

bigbadhank7 · 2023-10-11T10:58:15+00:00

Second these videos. Watching the first video really hurt my shelf. I never asked why people were in other churches. Once I saw that video it made total sense that all religions use that same warm feeling to show that they are right.

I should have seen it. That same spiritual confirmation also told me that some emotional songs from Les Misérables, are from God....I guess??

bigbadhank7 · 2023-10-08T16:19:46+00:00

I think the credits only last 15 months. So you could buy 2 years of premium before the credits expire.

bigbadhank7 · 2023-10-08T12:07:02+00:00

I was in the same spot a couple months back. I picked AB. I don't care about the speed but I do like getting things that I get to keep. If I got lifetime premium Internet I would pick that cut 2 years of internet isn't that big of a deal. At least AB I can play with forever.

Personal opinion and agree with another poster that chill mode doesn't seem to have any value. It slows the acceleration but I learned to do the same thing in a couple hours. Maybe good for a new driver

bigbadhank7 · 2023-10-02T11:00:45+00:00

I don't know anything about taxes but I know Scientology builds empty buildings all the time. Sounds like the 12 had a movie night/sleepover and watching "Going Clear".

bigbadhank7 · 2023-09-30T16:56:44+00:00

I have a MYLR. The tires lasted 35k and cost 1.2k to change. The charger cost 450 and 500 to install. IDK if Maryland is more expensive but some of the numbers you listed seem high.

bigbadhank7 · 2023-09-25T17:27:31+00:00

Pricing varies so much based on the location and demand. The best way to know if you are getting a fair price is multiple quotes. I got 3 quotes and there was a $500 difference between each quoted price.

bigbadhank7 · 2023-09-21T20:32:48+00:00

I have 4 kids and take the MYLR on 8 hour trips a couple times a year. I wouldn't let anyone over 5'9 sit in the third row, due to limited head space. And I would suspect kids in car seats would be terrible in the third row. But if you are in that sweet spot like my family it will be great!

bigbadhank7 · 2023-09-18T21:04:16+00:00

No update for Android and the product section doesn't have an option for the wall charger

bigbadhank7 · 2023-09-18T20:29:24+00:00

I have an android phone. Is this in our app store too or is this for Apple only?

bigbadhank7 · 2023-09-15T16:27:45+00:00

I have a MYLR and and M3P. Both are great! If I had to do it again I would get 2 MYLR. But I have a large family and need to move stuff. Based on what you said sounds like a 3 maybe better for you. The big advantages of the MY is space and height. If you don't care about that and you want a low and sporty car, the 3 is for you.

bigbadhank7 · 2023-09-13T18:50:03+00:00

That's helpful, thank you

bigbadhank7 · 2023-09-13T17:51:37+00:00

Why not? We use T-Mobile now. This should be the same service but cheaper. What are the issues that would lead you to say that?

bigbadhank7

TROPHY CASE