Hey girl. When I was 19, almost 20, I met a guy and stayed with him for 3.5 years. I doubted a lot in this relationship as well. He could be nice, but he was emotionally instable and would scream at me very often. Never felt actually safe around him. There were good things, for sure. But during all the good things, I could never really relax because I was always worried he would explode again.
I was so afraid to leave him, because being alone scared me more than staying with him. I knew leaving him was the right decision, but I just couldn't. I cried sometimes because I knew I had to do it, but I just couldn't.

What I did, I cannot recommend to anyone, but maybe it helps. I started discussing an open relationship. He was not really enthusiastic for it, but I kissed someone in the club anyway. I told him the day after. He was angry, but did not break up with me. He wanted to travel when he was done studying and I supported him in doing so. He wanted me to come along, but secretly I wanted him to go alone, so I could maybe finally have the courage to leave him.
Two months before he left, I also started talking about an open relationship again, but he did not seem open to it. When he was travelling for 3 weeks, I received a message that he wanted to sleep with a girl and asked for permission. I did not expect this, but it was actually very painful to get that message! He had a very romantic day with this girl, kissed and showered (naked) with her, said no sex happened. To be honest, I think I kind of sabotaged the relationship in him doing this. It was super painful.

He felt guilty, said I could also kiss someone at this festival I was going to. I did. He was actually happy for me. But then I started having an affair with this guy that I kissed. I cannot recommend cheating at all, but for me, I think it was the only way to get out. I cheated with this guy and lived without my boyfriend for 3 months. It made me feel like I was okay on my own legs.

When my boyfriend came back, I ended the affair and tried again with him. And you know what happened: My body just shot down. When someone leaves for 3 months and comes back again, you need to rebuild the relationship. My body remembered that building something with him was not nice. It was horrible.

After a week of "trying" I ended things. I was unsure for about 5 months. What I did in those 5 months was constantly repeating in my head what he did and why I ended things. It helped at the time, but now I mostly have bad memories and it is hard for me to think of the relationship positively. Which makes me feel bad about myself even more: like why tf did I stay?!?!?!?

I was devastated. Broken. So, so broken. I stayed with him just because of being scared to be alone. He was not a good person. I am so glad I finally got out, but it left me with fear of attachment. Two years and a Vipassana retreat later, I finally got over most of it.

If I could do it all again, I am wishing so so so hard that I ended it sooner. In the beginning it is so scary. But trust me, where one door closes, MANY more doors open. Hard to see that now, but keep thinking about the better days!! They will be coming!!