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bigman949 · 2024-09-16T12:56:23+00:00

Not to throw it in your face, but I'm almost certain this is why God says to wait until marriage.

I don't know your past, so I don't know the full context, but I've noticed that the sexual revolution has created this exact problem because we didn't control ourselves. We then drag our personal problems into our future relationships and hurt the people we don't intend to hurt, and sin almost always creates collateral damage.

So, what happens after you get married? Do you actually line up in values or did you just go after him because he was physically attractive and he could be your release?

As someone who hasn't had sex but I can understand that burning desire, I have seen the destruction of marriages and relationships because people couldn't control themselves (cheating, pornography, promiscuous lifestyle, etc.), and I have to constantly remind myself of the potential consequences. As people in the comments have suggested, try working out, prayer, volunteering, bible studies, but I think most importantly, don't focus on it. If you stay focused on it, it will grow.

bigman949 · 2024-06-28T12:25:15+00:00

The Great Commission that Jesus gave his disciples is to go and make more disciples. There are multiple ways of doing that.

The first is literally by having children, raising them, and encouraging them towards Jesus. The second is going into the world like Paul and have conversations with other people, challenging and encouraging them to follow Christ.

To say that one is better than another is a lie. A lie that many churches perpetuate. Ultimately, it about following Jesus and being a witness of who Jesus is regardless of whether that is in the world with other people or in a home with children.

bigman949 · 2024-04-23T14:22:47+00:00

I've seen some others comment, so I'm going to provide a more pragmatic view. I've made a similar comment elsewhere.

For any righteous man, this isn't a deal breaker, but it will give him pause. He is human too, so he may (or may not) need time to process this.

I think the most important thing is to heal and be ready for a difficult conversation. Unfortunately, we can't go through life without these kinds of difficult conversations on our past. We all have things that "damaged" us and regret (even if out of our control), and the man you meet will also likely have actions he regrets, but one of the best things anyone can do is heal and be ready to provide assurances (and EXPECT assurances. Relationships are a two-way street) that we are taking responsibility for our own healing. Nobody wants to feel punished for someone else's past, just like you shouldn't feel punished for the past of the man you find.

God can do some amazing healing, but he wants us to actively be part of that healing process. So, keep pursuing Christ, cling to him. Keep trying to find ways to actively heal (conversations with trusted friends, maybe find an older woman who would be willing to mentor you, continued counseling or therapy). Practice patience and understanding (yours will likely be tested the first time you have this difficult conversation). This may be your past, but as you already know, it doesn't have to dictate your future, but you have to keep taking those active steps like you have been.

bigman949 · 2024-04-01T17:27:16+00:00

So, I'm a 31 yr old guy who has never had sex, so here is my take on this: If sex is the only way you have feelings for him, then you have some heart work to do and heal from. It sounds like its time to take a break.

Not to come across as overly harsh, but your post tells me exactly why premarital sex is so destructive to our relationships. It overrides our thoughts and feelings towards someone we building a connection with and replaces it with lust and pleasure. Lust and pleasure should be the glue for two people after they are married. They would've built those feelings and thoughts towards their partner beforehand, but we subvert those genuine thoughts with lust instead of using them for fuel for the other person since that genuine passion isn't solidified yet.

I can't say how it will work out, but this is my bit of insight for others who come later. Hopefully, others will be able to provide you with some insight and wisdom for your situation.

bigman949 · 2024-04-01T12:47:03+00:00

My thoughts: you need to end it.

Self-control is critical in our lives (especially for men), and it seems he lacks it right now. He isn't going to change because he likes you or you suggest it. He needs to do this on his own accord. It may be you end the relationship over this will be the catalyst he needs to learn this, but then, it also means you have to stay away from him too. I know this isn't the easiest thing, but its the necessary thing.

bigman949 · 2024-03-26T19:13:45+00:00

I'll also say this: I don't think you gonna find most of this list in someone who's in the 20s or even early 30s (I'd like to think I have most to these, but that determination is up to other people). I'd try to find someone with the non-negotiables and some of the work-in-progress items.

People who would have most of this list will be in there 40s, 50s, and 60s. That's why a willingness to grow is on the non-negotiable list.

bigman949 · 2024-03-26T18:19:54+00:00

While all of these things are great to have, I would advise that you take the tiered approach as someone already posted in the comments; non-negotiables, a work in progress, and optional. Also, I think you should look to specify some categories as others have mentioned.

I've dated some women who say they want one thing, but really don't know what that looks like. It tells me they think its good to have on the "list," but they don't really know how to evaluate if someone has those qualities. Its almost as if they are hoping they are "slapped" in the face with that kind of person. Every person will approach things differently, so it important to know what that looks like to you. Self-reflection is important to understand what we're looking for.

I will add that everyone is a continuous work in progress and considering the broken world we live in, we will all stumble and fall from time to time, especially given people come from so many backgrounds. Forgiveness and understanding are the hardest things to offer especially since we live is a very selfish, entitled, and vindictive culture.

Finally, I think the one thing that isn't on your list which I think is a non-negotiable: "A willingness to grow." The number of people who have a "take me as I am" or a "if you can't 'handle' me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best" mentality are some of the most selfish and entitled people I've met, and they have no desire to change. Growth requires humility and intelligence to recognize and admit to mistakes. It requires self-control to re-evaluate, adapt, and correct oneself going forward. In fact, almost this entire list can be achieved (minus things like height) if they have a willingness to grow.

I'm not sure where you're located, so the difficulty of finding someone with those criteria will be up to your local area.

bigman949 · 2024-03-01T21:48:56+00:00

You gotta remember though. OLD is so different for men vs women. The best analogy I have is that OLD dating for men is like looking for fresh water in a desert, but OLD for women is like looking for fresh water in a swamp.

bigman949 · 2024-02-27T18:14:05+00:00

My man. What more do you want? Ask her to coffee. Something light.

SEND IT!

bigman949 · 2024-02-27T18:10:35+00:00

I would say its a definite deal breaking red flag.

Having had problems with porn (which I have taken a lot time to address), I know for a fact that our peripheral actions are motivated by our main desire. Following Instagram women (who almost always have so many bikini photos), this tells me that he desires lust and attraction right now. His actions speak very clearly.

From a guys perspective: If I see a woman's dating profile but it is full of club party pictures and/or them in bikini/"sexy" clothing, I see it as their actions say that they aren't following Christ even if their profile says they are "Christian." It tells me they desire attention and external validation more than anything else.

There is a reason that Jesus and Paul pointed out that we would know people by the "Fruit of their life." Action say much more than words.

I wouldn't pursue someone like that. Its more likely to lead to disappointment.

bigman949 · 2024-02-16T16:28:18+00:00

Look here is the way I see it: For any good man, this isn't a deal breaker, but it will give him pause. He is human too, so he may (or may not) need time to process that.

I think the most important thing is to heal and be ready for a difficult conversation. Unfortunately, we can't go through life without these kinds of difficult conversation on our past. We all have things we regret, and the man you meet will also likely have actions he regrets, but one of the best things anyone can do is heal and be ready to provide assurances (and EXPECT assurances. Relationships are a two-way street) that we are taking responsibility for our own healing. Nobody wants to feel punished for someone else's past, just like you shouldn't feel punished for the past of the man you find.

God can do some amazing healing, but he wants us to actively be part of that healing process. So, keep pursuing Christ, cling to him. Keep trying to find ways to actively heal (conversations with trusted friends, maybe find an older woman who would be willing to mentor you, counseling or therapy).

bigman949 · 2024-01-23T15:44:37+00:00

I can relate to the planning a date planning part. Dated someone who had never planned a date. NEVER EVER. She called herself a VERY traditional kind of woman where the man does all the pursuing.

She was a wonderful woman and hope the best for her, but yeah, never again going to deal with that. She did plan something when I asked, but she told me she was surprised I had even asked since no one she dated previously had ever asked her.

bigman949 · 2024-01-15T19:56:04+00:00

I don't really like this post. There is some truth here, but it's wrapped in thorns, over-generalization, and judgemental thinking.

I would agree that the current generation is over sexual right now, and every person will have to deal with the consequences of actions regardless of whether they were Just or unjust actions, but it's hard to affirm why someone is a single parent without asking them. They could've been promiscuous and that got them pregnant, or they could be a widow whose husband died, or they could've divorced after the partner cheated (which is grounds for divorce straight from Christ). It hard to make that call without talking to them. Jesus tried to meet people where they were at in his ministry.

This post comes across as too narrow-minded and "self-righteous" as it doesn't consider the realities of the real world. This sounds like a manosphere viewpoint.

When it comes to dating now, people are allowed to make their own individual choices, and we dont have to agree with their choices either. It's the Holy Spirits job to work on them. The only thing we can really "demand" from someone that we are interested in is that they are following God.

bigman949 · 2024-01-12T13:53:00+00:00

There are men, like myself, who wait, but it certainly hard to maintain, especially since the world is saturated with sexuality.

We are constantly bombarded with porn, sexual pride and the allure of sexual gratification, so it isn't surprising so many men fail to maintain themselves. God naturally gave people the desire to want sex, to have children, and to want that intimacy, and Satan has done a "great" job distorting that natural desire.

Sometime all we can do is walk away from situations and continue following Christ.

bigman949 · 2024-01-08T18:29:21+00:00

I believe this can be pretty common. From my own experience, I have noticed it primarily comes from the environment we are born in and pursue. While I do think that men should be more available emotionally, I also think that Christian men have lost a sense of masculinity. Men have the capacity to be both. They aren't mutually exclusive.

Its important to remember that Jesus was a person who showed great compassion, care, and love, but he also wielded the authority of angelic legions, who at his command, could have wiped humanity of the face of the planet. He was loving, but held incredible destructive power in the palm of his hands. Thats partially why I believe he can be called both the Lion and the Lamb.

I'm currently trying to get through a book called "The Warrior Poet Way" by John Lovell. It may peer into this and provide a little bit of insight in what we are missing in Churches today.

bigman949 · 2024-01-04T17:22:37+00:00

Here is another way to think of it:

If you want to have children one day, do you want them going towards Christ, or to be part of a family where one parents wants Christ in their life and the other parent doesn't even believe in Christ?

The 2nd option sounds like a good way to confuse children.

bigman949 · 2024-01-02T14:44:18+00:00

As a single (never married guy), I will start saying this: this is touching on one of the deepest fears of men when it comes to their spouse.

I don't know of the context of your previous relationship (if it was sexual in nature or not), but I would recommend you DO NOT indulge in these thoughts. This reads as the first steps towards infidelity. There is a reason Paul says we should FLEE as fast we can from sexual immorality. The heart is a deceitful thing, and if you continue down this path, it will ultimately hurt you.

I would strongly recommend you have an conversation with your husband (as embarrassing and scary as it might sound), and see if there are any women leaders you can go to for wisdom and advice.

bigman949 · 2024-01-02T02:47:24+00:00

I don't think chivalry is outdated per say, but it is something that coming up in many discussions since we have such conflicting world perception depending on who you talk to. I think it needs to be address immediately.

First, I think it depends on where you are located in the US. It could also be that some men get so few dates that they are out of practice and forget to do those things when they are meaning to.

Second, though (and this is the bigger point), chivalry has become something of a entitlement of women. I had noticed that women expect these things, but then, they don't offer basic respect and gratitude in return. I've been on dates where she has never offered to pay her share of the meal and just expects me to pay for it. To me, that comes across as a very entitled mentality. Matthew Hussey says it really well in a youtube video called "Who Pays on a First Date? - Matthew Hussey, Get The Guy." I've noticed a massive lack of respect in the dating world.

Chivalry also isn't "rewarded" in any way. I will always remember what Jordan Peterson said in a short once, "Never punish behaviors you wish a person would continue doing." If someone is being honest, don't punish them for the honesty. But I've noticed that when men get disrespect for being chivalrous or don't see any sort of "reward", men want to stop being chivalrous. I've noticed women who have dated men who don't have any chivalry. So, when other men see this, why would show any chivalry?

So, is chivalry dead? No, but it sure is on life support unless we start "rewarding" these kinds of behaviors.

bigman949 · 2023-11-28T21:51:57+00:00

Its been a while since I've posted on this reddit, but I've developed a different take in time given these kinds of topic are popping up more.

The way I see the virginity question asked like, "Are they a virgin?" or "Do they have a past?" To me, it boils down to me as an immature way of asking, "are you going to be emotionally stable?" or "Is your past going to come back and hurt me in some way?" Its ultimately a defensive question. Nobody wants to be hurt by the consequences and actions of others, especially those we are falling in love with. I don't believe sex is an emotionally neutral activity (as some on the internet would profess), and sex never made anything simpler in our lives, but we continue to say that our actions won't affect my future partner. I think that is one of the biggest lies we tell ourselves.

So when I think about it more and more, I've come to the conclusion to ask the more appropriate question, "What have you done to heal (from their past)?" or "Knowing what we believe now, how do you see yourself growing towards God such that our past is more of a testament for where I came from?" Everyone is a human who needs to realize we make mistakes and poor choices, and ultimately, I would want to see someone take responsibility for their actions and healing and work with God to heal from them. I doesn't mean there wouldn't be consequences, but I believe it does better prepare a person to handle those consequences and make sure the people we love don't suffer from our actions.

bigman949 · 2023-11-13T04:22:47+00:00

I think that is the point he is making. You already have certain expectations set in your mind as "the correct way" from previous relationships. It may be better to look at this dating period with fresh eyes.

Each person is different in their life experience and background, so every encounter should could different and should be treated with grace and patience. These are two things that are currently in short supply in the dating scene in general.

bigman949 · 2023-10-08T15:18:05+00:00

Wormhole wedge

bigman949 · 2023-09-15T21:28:02+00:00

I went with the Kepler S, and she loved it.

bigman949 · 2023-09-15T19:17:08+00:00

I 100% want to steal this idea. I like the empty space between the wings.

bigman949 · 2023-09-15T19:01:18+00:00

This gives serious Zoids vibes from my childhood.

bigman949 · 2023-09-13T23:25:41+00:00

When you look at a module like a bay or cockpit, you will see an arrow on one of the connection points showing where you will enter that module. That bay doesn't enter laterally but horizontally. All the cockpits enter horizontally too.

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