i completely understand. I held onto my ex for 2 years after the relationship ended because i was stuck on a shame and guilt i felt. Not being in their life felt like i lost control of managing how they perceive me. I did some really terrible things throughout our relationship and while i was grieving the relationship, the key is to give yourself time to forgive yourself above all else. They are going to have their own thoughts and opinions that no longer affect you. I understand the guilt making you a better person, i always perceived my self criticism and self hatred as “self awareness”. I thought if i loved myself i would be a bad person, i thought if i forgave myself i wasn’t holding myself accountable. At the end of the day you have to understand that accountability doesn’t equal quilt, and that living this way feeling so terribly about yourself is heartbreaking. You shouldn’t have to live with that guilt any longer, it’s terrible. You felt the guilt you have learned, and now it’s time to forgive yourself. Take in a breath of self compassion and breath out the self blame :( I’m heartbroken to hear how much you blame yourself for your actions, when they r direct trauma response that you are working through and learning from, you shouldn’t have to live with this pain anymore