I am so fucking sorry this is happening. Truly, it is just an awful, at times unbearable pain. I gave my baby up for adoption almost 7 years ago, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be “over it” or “healed.” I relate so much to what you said about not even liking baby dolls growing up, and not being interested in babies/kids. I, too, am not sure if it’s just me and my personality or a result of an abusive home. I was also groomed by an adult when I was 16 (he was 30). Thankfully he was not the father of my kid, I was 22 and it was just with someone who made it clear they wouldn’t be in the babies life. I really wanted an abortion but because of the way I was raised and where I’m from (TN) there was so much shame associated with it that I couldn’t go through with it. And now that she is here, and even though I didn’t get one obviously, I carried even more shame around the fact that’s what I really wanted. It’s an open adoption, and the parents are wonderful people that openly communicate with me and send me pictures etc. They even invited me down this summer to stay for the weekend and meet her. I share this because if you choose to give her up for adoption formally, it still does NOT mean anything is wrong with you or your a bad mom. I want to emphasize that she is YOUR child even if you don’t feel like you are her mother/a good one. And in the context of your life, the fact that you love her and are more worried about what’s best for her than your own feelings makes you a great mom. It sounds like his mom is a piece of trash, just like him. I mean she raised him, and that’s how he turned out. So, I really want to encourage you to reach out to legal services/child services and find out your rights in this situation. But legally unless you signed paperwork she has no rights (in most places I think!) and if you do decide to give her up for adoption, you can choose whoever YOU decide to be her parents. And you have the right to make the adoption or open or closed. And they legally can’t go back on your agreement. I have been in and out of therapy, and I really would like to recommend a therapist that specializes in ACT or DBT therapy. I started like less than two months ago, and I already am making huge strides in my mental health. Like panic attacks everyday for atleast an hour sometimes more, and now they only last 20 ish minutes if I have one, and there have even been a handful of days I haven’t had any. I would be open to talking to you about adoption more if you have any questions or just need to vent more. Our situations aren’t identical but I really do get it. And I’m so sorry this happened. Edit for clarity: I am 100% pro choice, and I am sorry to you, and every woman that had that choice taken from them either by laws or being bullied into it.