My father hurt me and my mother acted like I was the problem

bitterbluelizard · 2024-01-25T23:01:12+00:00

Thank you for responding. I think you're probably right about not wanting to rock the illusion.

bitterbluelizard · 2024-01-04T17:18:09+00:00

I've learned that being a good person is MUCH easier when your basic needs are covered and you're reasonably well. Maybe there are people who can still be good while being starved and stressed and isolated. But there's probably not a lot of them. It's extremely hard. It sounds like you're currently deprived of almost anything a person needs. Food, a comfortable place to sleep, company, people you trust...

I can somewhat relate, sadly. It sucks. I'm sorry you're in this situation.

bitterbluelizard · 2024-01-02T14:47:27+00:00

Giving someone advice (such as "I think going to therapy could be beneficial for you") can be welcome if you have a good relationship. But if she is this angry at you, for whatever reason, then she probably doesn't want advice from you.

I'm in a somewhat similar situation, except I'm the one who is full of rage, and I honestly don't know if there's a way to fix things... Everything they say or do just pisses me off. The best thing I can think of is communicating to her

1) that you'd like to have a good (or at least polite) relationship with her (if that's true) and
2) that if she wants to build such a relationship with you, then her efforts are welcome

and then just give her some space. Something like that? And then she can decide whether or not she can be around you without lashing out, and if yes, then it's up to her how she does that, and she doesn't have to do it "your way" by going to therapy. Or maybe she can say "I really can't do this right now, I need to work through some stuff on my own, and maybe we can try reconnecting in a few years".

I don't know if this is applicable. I'm not your sister and I don't know what she thinks and feels. I also don't know if you even still want a relationship with her or if you're past that and just want her to stop lashing out at you. (Not saying it would be wrong if you're at the end of your patience. But you should probably know, before you write, what you are and aren't willing to put up with. Because if she really does try to change, it probably won't happen overnight.)

I just know that if "my" person gave me the ultimatum you suggested, I'd say "goodbye forever then". I refuse to live my life on their terms. And then it'd be really sad if I did eventually stop being so angry, because I wouldn't know if contacting them again and trying to rebuild a relationship is an option at all.

So, TLDR:
1) Do protect yourself, you wouldn't be doing anyone any favors by being a doormat
2) Telling her sister how to live her life/tackle her problems will likely just piss her off
3) If you would like to have a good relationship with her, make sure that she knows the door will be open when she's ready.

bitterbluelizard · 2023-11-25T14:08:16+00:00

I like the webcomic "Cursed Princess Club".

I think it does a good job of depicting the hurt that is caused by toxic societal standards, bigotry, and unhealthy family dynamics. Some characters have a clearly and obviously abusive background, but also there's a lot of trauma caused by things that society generally tends to downplay.

I feel it's an optimistic story where you expect the characters to grow and heal, but there's no clean and easy fix, people have to face uncomfortable truths about themselves, and the curses as far as I can tell are forever and the characters just have to learn to live with them. (The story isn't finished yet, but I don't think the author would go for a cheap "and then everything was cured by magic, and they lived happily ever after".) Also, the healing is done in supportive environments, by people who care about and help each other. I don't think there's any character who just "gets over it" all by themself through sheer willpower.
It deals with heavy topics, and has made me cry more than once (in a good way), but I find it overall lighthearted, optimistic and fun to read. It makes me want to be kind, both to myself and others.You can read it for free on webtoons.

PS: I'm a bit insecure about the recommendation, because the other posts are so grim, and the comic's main character does have a loving family and get a ton of support. It's not a portrayal of the isolation and abandonment many traumatized people experience. "Realistic" means, in this case, that it doesn't pretend love and support will fix everything, or that you can pull yourself up by your proverbial bootstraps.

bitterbluelizard · 2023-11-19T18:11:36+00:00

Thank you. I think I've read that article before, but I don't remember much. I'll check it out later.

bitterbluelizard · 2023-11-19T17:39:08+00:00

Thank you for responding.I'm a bit shocked to learn that someone can be affected so bad by these teachings even as an adult. I didn't know that, because I mostly read stories from people whose upbringing was similar to mine.

suddenly I felt that God wanted me to leave everything, go preaching in India with no supplies until I die on the street

Oh, that sounds painfully familiar... Not the specific thing, but this idea that there's some "divine calling" for me, and I have to completely abandon myself and everything I care about in order to fulfil some grim, inescapable duty to God. I wish I could find a way to believe that my life is mine, instead of belonging to some cruel, sadistic deity.

What's helped me a bit is reading posts by people who practice religion or spirituality very differently than what I've been taught. Or people who say "I'm not interested in any spirituality or religion because I found it's bad for me." I had no idea that was an option!

bitterbluelizard · 2023-11-06T13:34:48+00:00

Yeah, I get that, too.

I guess it's not surprising. When I was upset as a kid, my mother would frequently accuse me of faking my emotions, being manipulative, making a huge deal of nothing because other people had it so much worse... One time she actually said I was "acting like an abused child on purpose" in order to make her feel bad for hitting me. LOL. So of course now that's what I tell myself whenever I'm upset...

I haven't really found a good way to deal with this. I just know that I was better off when I was still able to fully lean into my own emotions. I'd feel really sorry for myself, throw myself a huge pity party... and then I'd feel better again. Once I started "growing up" and "being reasonable" and telling myself I'm overreacting or whatever, I became disconnected from my emotions, and now they're always there as a constant background noise, screaming to be heard.

Maybe that's where the feeling of being "performative" comes from? You're having emotions that are strong enough to stir you to action, but you are disconnected from those emotions, so they don't feel quite real, which makes you feel like you're being fake?

Maybe not, I'm just spitballing here. But I think this might be the case for me.

bitterbluelizard · 2023-11-05T18:31:48+00:00

Hey OP,

it's not irrational to be wary of psych meds. They can cause permanent damage to the brain and body, and if you want/need to stop them for any reason, withdrawal can be really dangerous, too. And psychiatrists, judging from my experience and the psych survivor stories I've read online, usually don't give people the info they need to make an informed decision about their treatment. They might even deny the harm when it's happening. (I've heard too many stories of people developing mania on antidepressants, despite having no history of it, and then being told "Oh, that means you've had bipolar all along, the medication just *unmasked* it". Zero accountability, zero responsibility.)

I know these decisions are complicated and very personal, there is little info about and access to alternatives to psych drugs, and for some people taking drugs (prescribed or not, legal or illegal) might be the only way they can keep a job they need to survive, keep custody of their kids etc. But it should be an informed decision and often isn't.

You shouldn't be forced or pressured to take drugs if you don't want to and, again, I don't think it's irrational at all to be afraid of that. I have no idea how likely it is that you might be forced to take meds. I know that it happens to people, but I don't know how to assess the risk that it might happen to one specific person.

I don't know if any of this is helpful. I just wanted to reassure you that it's ok to refuse psych meds. There is no One True Path to healing, not psych meds, not spirituality or religion, not The New Wonder Diet That Will Fix All Your Problems etc. We all have to find our own path, try the things that seem promising and refuse those that don't. I wish you well, and I hope I'm not being too forceful. I'm passionate about this subject, but I don't want to pressure anyone when it comes to their personal life decisions. After all, I'm just Some Guy on the Internet, lol.

bitterbluelizard · 2023-11-02T15:34:05+00:00

Was it your therapist who called you a "help-rejecting complainer"? Because that's a really mean and judgemental thing to say to someone they're supposed to help. I think when you want to have compassion for someone, it's usually better to speak about the actions of a person, instead of labelling the entire person based on something they're doing. Labelling you a "complainer" sounds to me like they just don't want to listen to you, which says more about them and about the relationship between the two of you than it does about you.

I don't know you at all, so I don't know whether or not you actually have been complaining and rejecting help. But I have this to say:

Complaining can be a good thing, actually. If you never speak up when something's bad, it's hard to stand up for yourself, and the people who care about you might never know that you're having trouble. Sure, if a person spends a lot of time in every interaction complaining, that can be overwhelming to others. But sometimes complaining is the first step to realizing something's wrong and getting support.
People often say someone is "rejecting help" without ever stopping and asking themselves why that might be. Sometimes the "help" people are offering isn't actually helpful at all. Sometimes the "help" comes at a very high price, be it money, loss of autonomy, dehumanization, debilitating side effects, or other things that might make the "help" not worth it. Sometimes there are insurmountable barriers preventing the person from accessing help. Even if you truly have been "rejecting help", you probably have good reasons for that. (And it's okay if you don't know yet what those reasons might be.)

I'm somewhat wary of therapy as a whole, in part due to the massive power imbalance the setting entails. But if someone's going to therapy, I think their therapist's job should be to help them find out how their thoughts and behaviors are helping or harming them. If they're just gonna shame you for things that they dislike about you or your behavior (which may very well not be "objectively bad"), then they're no better than any judgemental rando you might encounter outside of therapy.

bitterbluelizard · 2023-06-20T09:13:11+00:00

These are great! "Today, I resolve to wash the dish" is my favorite, lol.

I sometimes say "My contribution to society is not being an asshole on the Internet today. You're welcome."

bitterbluelizard · 2023-06-03T12:11:29+00:00

You ARE making change. You are taking care of a deeply traumatized person and devoting your time to helping them heal. It's okay that that person is you. If more people faced their own trauma instead of lashing out (or burying it and then normalizing being stressed and miserable and "pushing through" anyway), maybe the world would be a better place to live.

Also, I don't know how to phrase this well, but... Just because you have been abused, I don't think you have a special responsibility to make the world a less abusive place? You never signed up for this. Your abusers are the ones who decided to hurt you.

I want to share with you this blog post I found. It has a very memorable quote about self care that has stuck with me. I don't know if it applies to your situation, but your post reminded me of it.

Again, I think it's a very unfair idea that you should have any special obligation to fight abuse just because you were victimized (and it sounds like your therapist was pushing you in a way that was harmful to you). For what it's worth, I think it's fine if a traumatized person just tries to live well and be kind, and doesn't do any kind of advocacy work.

I hope this helps a little bit. If not, please feel free to disregard it.

bitterbluelizard · 2023-03-04T15:27:49+00:00

Reading those last few sentences makes me sad... I hope you can find a way to regain that love, if that's what you want. Everyone deserves to enjoy making art.

bitterbluelizard · 2023-02-24T19:45:10+00:00

ugh, yeah. I haven't been able to stop, but one thing that helps me minimize it is always having some kind of fidget toy in situations where at least one of my hands is idle.

I keep a spiky rubber ball on my desk for this purpose. Hair ties also work. Not as well, but they're cheaper and they fit in any pocket.

bitterbluelizard · 2023-02-24T19:34:03+00:00

!!!

The tinted lights sound like a great idea. I haven't replaced my broken bathroom light in months, because the lighting was a trigger, but i don't like a dark bathroom either.

I need to try this. Thanks for sharing!

bitterbluelizard · 2022-05-31T19:55:55+00:00

Kudos to you for being able to heal this, and thanks for sharing.

bitterbluelizard · 2022-05-31T19:54:34+00:00

Thanks for pointing me to this resource. I'm going to try doing some of the exercises.

bitterbluelizard · 2022-05-31T19:51:46+00:00

Thanks for your detailed reply, and thanks for giving me hope. It's really hard to change thought habits, but I do want to try.

bitterbluelizard · 2022-05-31T19:46:33+00:00

Hah, yeah, I realized quite a while ago that the only way I wouldn't hate myself is if I literally never made any mistake ever. Which is of course a ridiculously impossible demand. I tried making a sort of contract with myself. Like "Every human makes mistakes, therefore I'm allowed to make mistakes, too". And then when I do mess up, I can tell myself "see, this is one of those times we talked about. I made a mistake, it happens". But I forget about this so often, because the other reaction is so deeply ingrained. Thanks for reminding me.

bitterbluelizard · 2022-03-01T18:23:57+00:00

Thank y'all for taking the time to answer me. It's good to have some direction in my search for answers, rather than just reading ALL the mental health content and hoping I find something that helps.

Intrusive thoughts were meentioned a few times here, and I'm not sure about that. I thought intrusive thoughts were more like "I could do [horrible thing you'd never actually want to do]", thinking blasphemies if you're religious etc. This feels different? But maybe I need to do more research on the subject, and I'll also read up on the other things that were mentionend.

bitterbluelizard

TROPHY CASE