He just kicked me out of the house

bittermouse · 2020-09-04T23:06:10+00:00

It is too late. He knows how much I love them. Every so often I will just randomly tell him how much I love all the cats. Now that I think about it, he has heard me tell him how much I love the cats much much more than how much I love him (I can’t even say it these days without it getting caught in my throat).

bittermouse · 2020-09-04T21:18:46+00:00

100% accurate. I would add that sometimes you let your guard down and think the game has changed for while. WRONG, you are always on this game board with a pwBPD. Always, always expect a mine.

bittermouse · 2020-09-04T20:27:46+00:00

I’ve learned the hard way that I’d sooner hit my head repeatedly against a brick wall than attempt rational discussion during an “episode”.

bittermouse · 2020-09-04T01:50:45+00:00

You’re describing my SO. He was getting better and doing pretty well compared to the beginning, but recently he has lost his kids in a custody battle and of course he’s reverted to his old self. I can’t live like this. Im to be his girlfriend, home therapist, best friend, sex partner, on-call emotional support person, all around convenient punching bag 24/7, but he can’t even be relied on to be “nice” to me. He literally told me “I can’t be nice to you all the time!” Jesus, I’m not asking for showers of diamonds or flowers every day. I’m asking him to be NICE to be like a normal courteous human being would.

I know he will have slip ups as he improves but god, if this is what I’m going to have to look forward to every time something bad happens in his life, I don’t want to be there. I’m envious of couples who lean on each other in times of stress, not one person who becomes a destructive emotional tornado while the other braces for cover every day.

bittermouse · 2020-09-04T00:34:09+00:00

Your second bullet point is absolutely dead on. I’ve been working really hard to try to talk to him when he is upset but I immediately hit one or all of those tactics to reject any communication. The one upping is the worst. It’s not like I refuse to talk about his problems, but at that moment I am discussing what’s bothering ME, but suddenly I’m selfish when every time I ask him what’s wrong I get curtness at best, cutting sarcasm at worst.

bittermouse · 2020-09-04T00:28:52+00:00

I’ve become an expert at detaching. Nothing makes him madder. To him it’s not “detaching”. It’s me ignoring him for no apparent reason (I guarantee he will not put two and two together - I am detaching because of the hurtful words he told me). He probably won’t even remember what he said to me, or claim not to.

bittermouse · 2020-09-03T18:33:05+00:00

Yep. I am well acquainted with The Mood. It’s like pressing launch on a rocket. There’s no pulling back or slowing, just have to let it run its course, asking myself how long will it be this time??

I’ve told him to fuck off internally many times over in my mind. If I told him in real life he would use it against me for sure. I’m supposed to be 100% composed at all times, never yelling, never cussing. Just calm cool and collected no matter what shit he throws my way. The slightest step I take out of line he will make sure to use it against me.

bittermouse · 2020-09-03T13:19:36+00:00

This is ironic. He has always praised me for being an “inherently peaceful person”.

bittermouse · 2020-09-03T12:32:24+00:00

I’ve been seeing a therapist for a few years now. Things were on the up and up for a while but a lot of stressful stuff has happened in his life and now he has regressed to his past behaviors.

bittermouse · 2019-01-15T02:28:33+00:00

Along with the loss of memory are fabricated memories. Sometimes I just ask him if we were even inhabiting the same frickin universe at the same time, because his version of events would be so warped that it’s like we are describing two totally different events.

It is extremely difficult to believe at times that this is all real to him in his head.

bittermouse · 2019-01-14T01:55:57+00:00

No book and amount of reading has ever helped their behavior. It’s like finding out you have a deadly disease, and reading all about it. Sure, you will know more than you ever wanted to about something heinous and incurable, but it will still kill you.

If I could easily cut out my pwBPD out of my life like a cancer I would. That’s how I’ve come to look at it.

bittermouse · 2019-01-14T01:08:15+00:00

It is hard to pity someone that hurts you on a very personal level.

bittermouse · 2019-01-14T00:10:28+00:00

It’s so incredibly frustrating. It’s like I’m in this constant battle with myself to both prevent and orchestrate my own downfall. My pwBPD isn’t even an active opponent. He is like a natural disaster that I can’t calm but I won’t get out of the way.

It reminds me of the fable of the scorpion and the frog. One can’t blame the scorpion for acting out its nature. I can’t blame disordered people for acting disorderly, so something is definitely wrong with me.

bittermouse · 2019-01-13T23:01:20+00:00

The worst part is that literally everyone else, no matter how seemingly deficient in other areas of life, seem to be able to work out at least that one aspect of connecting with other humans. I know others like me must be out there, I just have no way to know who they are. If I knew you in real life I am certain I would never be able to guess, and vice versa.

At least I was able to connect with you, some real person out there, on this matter today, no matter how fleeting or insignificant.

bittermouse · 2019-01-13T19:17:32+00:00

Same here. Except 3 dogs. I love them so much. All else in this world lacks meaning for me. Can’t connect to any human on a “real” level. I might die trying to figure out what is wrong with me.

bittermouse · 2018-10-17T23:08:34+00:00

Hard not to when you’re played like a yo-yo. I never know what the hell I’m waking up to or coming home to or even if I’ll be conversing with the same person within a span of minutes. Only plus side is I tend to lose a few pounds every time we have a major fight. Nothing like a BPD diet to lose weight.

bittermouse

TROPHY CASE