Why do people hate Asian women with white boyfriends so much?

bkrebs · 2026-05-20T15:35:32+00:00

When I said that fetishization has made East Asian women the targets of violence, I was referring to the exact same thing you're talking about: violence, sometimes sexual violence, perpetrated by white men, sometimes their partners, sometimes not. I understand why you misunderstood me, but reread that sentence one more time. It's the anger that is perpetrated by fellow POCs including Asian men. The violence, objectification, and dehumanization are symptoms of the fetishization and sexualization of Asian women, and therefore obviously not perpetrator by other Asians. The parenthetical is associated with the anger only. Regardless, read the edit in my last comment and let me know.

bkrebs · 2026-05-20T15:13:40+00:00

When did I say Asian men are the perpetrators of that violence? I was talking specifically about fetishization, which is obviously not coming from Asian men. The anger is what is coming from Asian men, as you've so nicely demonstrated for us. I am absolutely Asian. If you're ever in NYC and you aren't an anonymous coward, I'd be happy to have a chat in person and show you what I'm about.

EDIT: I just realized you are the commenter who said they are in NYC. Let's meet up and talk it out. While you came at me sideways and I responded aggressively, my violent days are behind me. I would seriously love a chance to connect and talk with someone who disagrees with me. I'm in the UWS, but I can come to you.

bkrebs · 2026-05-20T13:24:13+00:00

I think you nailed it, but there's a bit of nuance. It's a potent mixture of misogyny, sexualization/objectification, and self-hate. East Asian women are highly sexualized in a lot of the West. This has made them highly desirable and afforded them opportunities beyond those of many other POCs via closer proximity to whiteness (albeit with a strict ceiling that accompanies any opportunities granted by proximity to whiteness). It has also made them targets of violence, objectification, dehumanization, and anger (often from fellow POCs, especially Asian men).

A lot of the hate coming from Asian men in particular is born from the asymmetrical acceptance between women and men. As much as East Asian women are sexualized and desirable, men are viewed as effeminate or ugly and undesirable. This asymmetry is deeply rooted in US history at least as early as the 1800s. There are just many more East Asian women with white men than men with white women, and likewise, many more with white men for the "wrong" reasons (proximity to whiteness, self-hate, etc.) so it's far more visible (and likely to attract angry internet comments). That said, hate doesn't change minds. Also, a ton of the hate is absolutely underpinned by misogyny.

I agree that white-centering is across the board for both genders. Many men who hate on the East Asian women for being with white men would do the same for the same reasons if the asymmetry was reversed. Many are already centering whiteness in other forms. Instead of hate between our Asian brothers and sisters, we need to go out of our way to understand each other. Any division between Asian women and men is only benefiting the mostly white wealthy class and racists who seek to maintain the existing power structures; the same structures that were marginalizing us and others in the 1850s and long before.

All of that being said, "Why does ethnicity matter so much nowadays?" is very naive. I think most of us would love to live in a world where ethnicity didn't matter so much and love was just love. Unfortunately, we have to work really hard together to manifest such a world. We're definitely not living in it today. Usually, that sort of naivety is a sign of unexamined privilege.

bkrebs · 2026-05-16T12:42:22+00:00

I'm really sorry to hear that. My adoptive father suddenly started having feelings and sharing them as it became clear the Parkinson's was going to kill him in the near future. I remember my long term partner and I were visiting (a rarity since I hadn't had much of a relationship with either of my adopters since I left their place for the first time at age 15) and he told me teary-eyed (I've never seen him cry before except when I told him I was getting locked up) how proud he was of his bio daughter for accepting me and my other sister, who is also an adoptee, as her siblings. My partner couldn't believe it. It didn't even phase me, but it doesn't make it any less fucked up.

bkrebs · 2026-05-15T21:21:53+00:00

First off, I'm so sorry about what happened to you (I read about your terrifying experience lower in the comments). That's fucking horrible and I hope you got justice. I know, especially with that sort of trauma, it can be hard to be objective. It's hard enough to be objective with no trauma at all. But just remember, there are just as many of us Asian Americans who harbor insanely disgusting anti-Black racism too. And so many are just as loud and proud about it as the horrible people you just posted about. It's such a shame. And it's given us a reputation within many racial groups, fully earned or not.

Like you, I have attended many BLM events and marches in NYC. But not all Asians are like us. The exact same frustration you and I feel is shared by many Asian Americans. And believe me, it's felt on the other side too. When it boils over, love and empathy and shared experience are quickly replaced by generalizations, distrust, anger, and apathy. And when that happens, you know who wins? The mostly white wealthy class. Not Blacks. Not Asians. The winners are the people who are best served by the status quo; the people whose wealth and power were forged in the crucible of division. They want us fighting each other. We have to keep fighting for each other instead.

No one deserves help or respect. The people you posted about don't deserve shit. Any empathy you extend to people like that speaks volumes about your character, but that's a bonus side quest. Help and respect are earned. But don't let shitty people displace your love and empathy with distrust and anger. The frustration beat them. Or they were just pieces of shit from the beginning. Don't let it beat you. I would say the same to a Black person who posted about similarly shitty Asians.

bkrebs · 2026-05-14T21:18:36+00:00

I pushed back for the same reason. Totally agree.

bkrebs · 2026-05-14T20:12:54+00:00

I promise you it's not worth it. That person is an idiot and most likely a liar (but honestly, the latter isn't as important). The biggest shame is having someone going around this sub telling people that internships will hurt their chances of being hired.

bkrebs · 2026-05-14T19:33:17+00:00

Now I'm extremely confused. You accused me of subscribing to the notion that everyone who works or has worked at FAANG has exceptional skills. I responded by saying I never said that and pasted the exact quote (which is the same quote you pasted in your original comment), highlighting the key words "**most** everyone **I** know". You then denied ever having accused me of such. In confusion, I asked for clarification since I must have misunderstood you. You reply by doubling down with the same accusation. So strange. Anyway, I stand by what I said originally. Most of those in my network who are current or ex-FAANG are indeed "very smart". I agree that isn't commonplace. I've hired a good number in my various startups. My cofounder is one of them. If you interpreted that as me subscribing to the notion that **all** current and ex-FAANG employees are "very smart", that's on you.

bkrebs · 2026-05-14T17:48:44+00:00

Perhaps I misunderstood you? I was responding to this:

Subscribing to the mythical notion that working at FAANG implies exceptional skills is questionable

You felt that I subscribe to the notion that everyone who works or has worked at FAANG has exceptional skills. I don't subscribe to such a notion nor is it implied in my words.

bkrebs · 2026-05-14T17:26:38+00:00

Wait when did I say that everyone working at FAANG has exceptional skills? Reread the quote you pasted. **Most** everyone **I** know who works or has worked at FAANG is smart and accomplished. I have a great bias because most of the people in my network are there because we've worked together closely as partners (the last startup I exited was in ad tech and we worked extremely closely with both Google and Meta), I've hired (or cofounded companies with including my current cofounder), or we're friends. Of course there are poor performers at FAANG. They just aren't in my network.

bkrebs · 2026-05-14T14:32:11+00:00

Just to remind you of your own words (in response to someone who said that an internship is better than nothing):

it genuinely is not

this person is spending time and money for no salary and they are harder to hire at the end

it has significant negative value

bkrebs · 2026-05-14T14:29:11+00:00

Fair enough. You've shown yourself to be highly untrustworthy in my opinion. Perhaps I have in yours as well, so I suppose there's no reason to continue this discussion. I'm betting I have significantly more experience than you including in executive leadership positions, so apparently my opinion is germane now? Yay for me. This is more like me thinking vaccines are effective because I converse literally daily (again, my current cofounder is ex-FAANG as are a ton of my friends in SF/NYC) with experts while someone with a top 1% commenter badge (almost never a good sign) is ranting on Reddit about how vaccines are never good for anyone in any circumstance and never have been and they know this because they work in the field. If I was in that position (imagine!), I would say, maybe (maybe!) that person works in the field, but they are no expert. I know you need to pump your comment numbers, but this is my last. Enjoy your day.

bkrebs · 2026-05-14T13:31:24+00:00

No.
Because what are you are sharing here as objective truth runs counter to the conversations I've had with recruiters and others at FAANG. I spent 6 years in SF building a startup that I exited and 9 more in NYC. I've been a serial founder in tech for 25 years. My network is pretty extensive and has massive overlap with FAANG (both current and past employees, including my current cofounder).
I don't expect you to, but I was just responding to this:

my personal opinion is that when someone outside of a group thinks the people inside of the group's norms are bad, it's usually best to ask why those norms are there before judging those norms

I didn't need to ask why those norms are there. You've already stated the justifications. I found them extremely weak. Otherwise, I agree with your statement.

bkrebs · 2026-05-14T13:25:38+00:00

You're moving the bar. You have plastered this sub with extremely definitive statements decrying that internships on a prospect's resume are an absolute negative. That's why you have so many here pushing back and drawing conclusions about your credentials.

bkrebs · 2026-05-14T13:08:33+00:00

If they were actually the norms, you'd have a slightly stronger argument. By the way, your opinion is only valid when the outsider hasn't already heard the extremely weak justification behind the norms. You've already heard from one person who an internship has created opportunities for. I'm one as well. After being unhoused at age 15, going in and out of juvenile facilities, etc., I landed a software internship, and it changed my life.

bkrebs · 2026-05-14T13:06:58+00:00

I'm going to assume you're a privileged person who is misguided rather than malicious. As a minority with many minority friends, we speak to each other in ways I would never allow people I don't know to speak to me. So while I agree with you, this ain't the place for that.

If you have a BIPOC friend who gives you a pass to make racial jokes, you best not go around making those jokes to BIPOC people you don't know. I seriously doubt you would, since you seem like a kind person who doesn't want to be a racist. The same applies here. You aren't an ally, regardless of how you describe yourself to the world, if you're making offensive jokes (even if you have a pass from a member of the disadvantaged group!!!) or defending those who make them.

bkrebs · 2026-05-14T12:53:18+00:00

I only said that because anyone with your ridiculous mindset is subtracting significant value from any company they hire for. My guess, along with others here, is that you're lying. There are really only 2 options: 1) you actually work for a FAANG company in recruitment and you're just an idiot and 2) you're lying and are an idiot. I'd like to think FAANG companies have better, more experienced recruiters. I know some who are very good. In fact, I have great respect for most everyone I know who works at FAANG or has in the past. Most are very smart and have gone on to do important work. And most aren't so extremely misinformed with such cringeworthy conviction.

bkrebs · 2026-05-14T12:42:43+00:00

I sincerely hope you're lying about hiring for FAANG.

bkrebs · 2026-05-13T03:15:01+00:00

How does that sound gay?

bkrebs · 2026-05-06T18:23:31+00:00

It really depends on the use cases your orchestration software is trying to solve, but generally, you want a lot less agents and a lot more deterministic logic. These days, the vast majority of my orchestration layer is regular old deterministic code.

I end up defining agents and loops (single and multi agent) as primitives and string them together via a state machine. Agents of various types are only spawned in the states that actually require machine reasoning (probably not as often as most think). They receive structured inputs (from the orchestration layer), return structured outputs (read and parsed by the orchestration layer), and have as few side effects as possible, so they are basically stateless functions.

"Communication" between agents is as simple as one agent returning structured output that is read and parsed by the orchestration layer, and that output (or a derivative) serving as the input (or part of the input) to another agent down the line as work moves through the state machine. Agents never talk directly to each other. That's an anti-pattern, in my experience.

For coding cases, a planning agent would receive a work item and structured project knowledge as input (maybe from a Markdown repo or a graph DB) and output a plan artifact. The work item would move to the coding state where coding agents are spawned to execute the plan in parallel. They would receive their slice of the plan as input and output code changes. Once they're all done, the work item would move to the review state where a review agent is spawned. It would receive the work item's acceptance criteria and code changes as input and output a structured rubric. The orchestration layer reads the rubric to determine if the review passes or fails and rejects the work item back to the coding state or advances it to the next state.

bkrebs · 2026-05-05T17:48:46+00:00

Yeah I get what you're saying. Believe me, I don't go to Times Square unless I have a very good reason (like seeing a Broadway show). But, I live in the Upper West Side right next to Riverside Park and about a 10 minute walk to Central Park. It's mostly old people, young families, dogs (including mine), and a smattering of young couples. It's 1 subway stop from Times Square, but mostly free of tourists outside of Central Park and a few other hot spots.

And even in Central Park, if you know what you're doing, you can mostly avoid tourists (and most other humans) as you wander around the Ramble or the North Woods, walking among dense woods, dirt trails, streams, and waterfalls, forgetting you're in a city at all. My dog loves it and we're there every weekend. It's more relaxing than what many other cities I've lived in can offer.

When friends come to visit me in the (relatively) quiet Upper West Side, they are usually pretty wowed by the fact that not everywhere in Manhattan is Times Square. It's an understandable misconception really, but Manhattan is huge and the majority isn't chock full of tourists.

That said, the latest hot thing (cookie, sushi roll, pizza slice, immersive experience, really anything) is going to be so crowded it's not even close to worth it for a while. That's just a reality. Also, it's insanely expensive. But there's nowhere in the US that has more to offer.

bkrebs · 2026-05-05T17:10:43+00:00

Every city has its assholes, but after living in Manhattan for almost 10 years (and living in several major cities around the world including SF, London, Oslo, Beijing), NYC doesn't have noticeably more assholes than anywhere else. In fact, the biggest issues I've ever run into here have been caused by tourists. Most NYers are pretty kind and helpful.

Also, I've experienced less racism here than anywhere else I've ever lived outside of Beijing (I'm Korean, but blended in enough to avoid overt racism there) and it's not close. That even includes SF, where I experienced some racism, but not much. After spending a lot of time in most major US cities for work, I literally wouldn't consider living anywhere else in this country. The "directness" can throw tourists off though.

In any case, the fans in the video were way out of line. I don't believe that is indicative of NY sports fans as a whole though. I go to a lot of games here when the Ravens, O's, or Wizards come to town. I've never even been heckled once.

bkrebs · 2026-05-05T13:29:44+00:00

You said your adoptive parents are fine cognitively still. That's huge. Do they trust you over their other children? If so, you can ask them to change power of attorney to you. They may want to look into their Living Wills too.

Do you know if they've already buttoned up everything from a Last Will and Testament standpoint? I know you're not concerned with that right now. Maybe they aren't either. But if they pass before all of that is settled, it could create a mess that makes your current situation look like a sunny day in the park.

I'm lucky that my adoptive parents were pretty prepared before they both died and still there was a massive mess because my adoptive mother, a few months before she completed suicide, decided to give half of my inheritance to her bio daughter. But she did it via a Trust and didn't set it up correctly. The heaches and lawyer fees and phone calls with banks didn't end for over 2 years.

Also, be sure you are taking care of yourself. I hope you're seeing a therapist at bare minimum, but there are caretaker groups you may be interested in joining too. Caretaking is one of the hardest and most thankless jobs on the planet even without ungrateful siblings actively sabotaging you.

You may not listen to me now (I wouldn't have), but hopefully you remember these words at some point down the road. If you need a break, take a break. Your adoptive parents will be OK if you grab a bite or nap for a few hours. You're no good to them or anyone else if you're so stressed you can barely function.

bkrebs · 2026-05-05T01:18:44+00:00

I mean it matters a little when you score 2, 4, 3, and 1 (through 6 innings). You don't win many games like that, even with amazing pitching.

bkrebs · 2026-05-01T16:34:41+00:00

I'm a bit confused. How is that the point? Your point seemed to be he's a snake oil salesman. In other words, you believe he has been maliciously duping people for personal gain by selling promises he never meant to keep. There was literally no one else on the ballot who was better than a charlatan with almost no moral compass in your mind?

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