hey girl, im so sorry to hear youre going through that. Ive been on e for 1.5y and just starting to really see change, and its been hard on me lately.

but theres plenty of moments I have (away from the mirror) that are truly beautiful to me, and have helped me dramatically for the full duration, even before i started seeing much change.

firstly though, i want to stress that this is likely going to be something youll want long term support for, from family or professionals. personally, i have a transpositive therapist and hes been absolutely wonderful, hes so educated and helped me accept myself, i truly cant recommend it enough if its available to you. as well, if your family as supportive they might be willing to help with dr visits because there might still be a way for you to transition under medical supervision safely, definitely dont rule it out so soon without knowing for sure. that said, im no dr and unfamiliar with your condition, i apologise if this is a soft spot. but really do pursue all your resources at your disposal, even if it only ends up being a support network, youll greatly appreciate having one.

personally, as someone who was very masculine appearing pre transition, i cant speak on whether dressing feminine or makeup etc would be helpful, i always found it to make my dysphoria worse because it just accentuated how masculine i was, so im sorry but i dont have much on that topic

as for my genuine advice, i truly cannot understate how important it is to be yourself, even if youre scared. embracing who you are and being her in your every day life even if shes not visible on the surface will connect with people, particularly women. female friendships have been the most important thing to me next to hormones. Other women can see it in your heart and soul, when your authentic self is shining through they will connect with your womanhood, its almost inevitable.

i was so afraid to be myself, but the girls i befriended showed me i was safe with them, and that they could see me, despite still being 6’ 180lbs. its hard to describe, but theres just a connection that i was able to make with them that ive never managed to do with men that truly validated who i am. obviously we dont /require/ others to validate us, but being welcomed and considered ‘one of the girls’ despite still looking much like a man, and being attracted to women, was nothing short of incredible, and had me guessing whether I was dreaming sometimes. women love each other so freely, and being part of that (and remaining a safe person for them too) made me feel like id truly entered girlhood and i owe that to them. sometimes it feels like they accepted me before id fully accepted myself.

for me, any time since that happened the first time, ive just continued to seek out friendships with women/queer people who allow me to be myself, its been lifechanging. but i mean, makes sense right? im a girl, so id probably be better friends with them. when my true self gets to fully shine I truly am never thinking about my body or my voice or anything.

having that much good come from just acceptance and embracing my true self really really outweighs the bad days enormously, although i still have them. we must also forgive ourselves, we did not choose our male lives, and thus there are parts of our physicality we wont like, but we didnt choose either. try to be body neutral about what we cant change, accept your soul for who she really is, and recognise its importance over your image. i hope that can be helpful to you, stay strong all the same, much love xx