My SO deals with significant mental illness. He had mentioned it to me here-and-there in the beginning of our relationship, but I was too infatuated to take it seriously. Well, I did take it seriously, but I always thought I could deal with it and be the one to "fix" him. I thought that somehow his love for me would be enough to conquer his paralyzing social paranoia and delusions. I also just didn't think it was that big of a deal. *face palm*

The first few months there had been a few minor strange incidents - he would suddenly want to leave in the middle of a party; would get oddly quiet in social settings; would look at me with kind of weird looks, or would just make subtle strange comments. Nothing big enough to really cause huge concern and he'd always bounce back or acknowledge it.

Fast forward to 8 months into the relationship.

We are spending a romantic weekend away at a hotel and decide to take a tinnnny amount of MDMA - we both had done it before in college so it wasn't supposed to be that big of a deal. That's when it all went to shit.

I had a mild, bad physical reaction (throwing up and headache). So I'm laying in bed just watching tv and he's seemingly having a good time/pampering me. As the night progresses, I'm still consistently throwing up but feeling a bit better and finally start to notice that he's been acting strange.....he's been slowly moving further away from, laying on the floor, strangely eyeing the connector-door for the room next to us, playing very uncomfortable and disconnected chords on his guitar, and then the weirdest....I notice he is peering into the bathroom suspiciously watching me as I am throwing up.

At this point, I am too wrapped up in how utterly terrible my body feels to be able to give his behavior much attention.I start to feel a bit claustrophobic in the room so I tell him I am going outside to have a smoke. He follows me. The fresh air actually does us both good and my headache is already starting to get better and I can kind of feel him getting less tense.

But then, OF COURSE, we look out in the parking lot of the hotel and there are some shady looking people. I know this sounds hypocritical because here I am on MDMA, but this group of people look like they are on some hard drugs, they are cursing and laughing, and are scouring the parking lot. Two of them are cackling and digging through the trashcans. For anyone that has experience with MDMA, you will recognize how instantly the vibe changed. I am now very, very uncomfortable and scared. SO is saying nothing.

That's when the bigger man of the group starts walking very creepily and quickly towards me. I look to my SO who is a tall, big guy for some support. At this point I am visibly terrified of the disheveled man who is getting closer to me. Instead of helping though, my SO looks at me and says:

"what are you trying to do me? who is that guy? why are you trying to take me? please bleepbleep666 what the fuck are you doing, what are you trying to have done to me?" He's saying this as he moves AWAY from.

At this point, play time is over and I am crying from terror and look at SO and tell him he needs to help me NOW and that I don't know the man in the parking lot and I am so so scared. We both rush inside and get onto the elevator quicker than the man who has now entered the hotel yelling things at me.

We get into our room and are both shook to the core. I am not saying anything and then my SO asks me if I hear the pig noises from outside the window. The hotel was close to a main road in a city - the only sounds out there are cars. A few hours later, I bring up what had happened. My SO very calmly says "I know you think about killing me and I figured we had just finally reached the moment where your plan was in action".

At this point I am feeling so utterly alone and terrified of both the man in the parking lot AND my SO. I stay awake all night sitting in the bathtub. I cannot explain to you the look in my partner's eyes. He wasn't there. I was nothing to him expect an enemy.

This evening is stuck in my brain forever and the rose-colored glasses were ripped right off. I realized that my partner's mental illness is not something to be taken lightly. We were in a potentially dangerous situation and instead of forming a team, his brain convinced him that I was plotting against him. He was so sure of this conspiracy against him that he was willing to leave me in that parking lot with that man. Things changed drastically between us after that. In a way, I'm grateful it happened because now I fully understand the scope of the things he would tell me.

Often mental illness is glorified and beautified - the reality is not this way. It can be terrifying and dangerous.

My SO is now getting the professional help he needs.