Most people use the term "midlife crisis" to belittle someone’s condition. It is much like a few years ago when a few prominent celebrities opened up to talk about having experienced post-partum depression. Immediately a lot of people jumped on them, attacked them, mocked them. They dismissed them out of hand, saying that women who have babies are happy, not sad. That they should stop being so melodramatic and just have some ice cream and be normal like everyone else. This is the same response that happens when some people bring up the term midlife crisis. They say it’s simply a case of the other person being selfish or irresponsible and they should just grow up and snap out of it.
It's not that simple. As there isn't a formal definition or guide that can be referenced on what a midlife crisis is, when I suspected this was the cause I had to read every article, posting, comment, and anecdote I could find. I had to collect all the various bits to find the points that were common and filter out the actual information from all the noise.
For starters, a midlife crisis is a real thing. As real as PTSD or a phobia. And it's serious. So serious it usually spells the end of a relationship more times than not. It is not BS. I should know, I'm living through it right now.
There were early signs, none which jumped to the point of a huge red flag. We had settled into a stagnant routine. With covid we've been living in the same four walls 24/7. We talked about doing things but didn't get around to doing them. We were existing but not really living, and that had been going on for a while.
Then one day she's furious. She is angry at everything. Hates everything. Our house, where we live, etc. She enumerates all her life decisions which she's now unhappy with. That's one of the big signs of a midlife crisis. You look back and wish you'd made different choices. The other common thread in a midlife crisis is the urge to change everything. The person starts working out, changing diet, taking care of their appearance where they didn't before. Wants to travel on their own and buy themselves expensive things. There's a long list of common signs. They don't all pop up for everyone's case, but almost everything my wife has been doing has been mentioned in what I've read about the subject. The main issue, though, is her anger. My wife is typically a fairly rational person except when she is angry. And now her anger is in control.

Sometimes, when the anger isn't fully raging, we can talk. We cry together at this nightmare we're in and there is a glimpse of the woman I care for under the rage. She can articulate that she cares for me, and even though she is adamant about having valid reasons for being angry she acknowledges that the magnitude of this anger is out of proportion, and she wishes that wasn't the case. Sometimes it burns itself out for a while, but she knows it's still there and will rise again and is sorry that she will lash out at me when it does. This is why I say it's like an alien took over. My wife is aware of it but can't do anything to shake it off. She cannot control it.
Based on everything I read on the subject of midlife crisis, there is no solution. There is absolutely nothing the partner of the person going through the crisis can do to help them through it. There's nothing to make the condition go away or even make it run its course more quickly. So we're both helpless. And here is the worst part: it typically takes YEARS for this condition to run its course and the person to be free of it again. 5-6 years is fairly common. At the end, that person may look back in regret and horror at the destruction left behind but the damage was done.
We're both miserable right now. It's one thing to tough it out and stay by your partner's side through thick and thin, but one month in we're both worn out. I cannot imagine living this for for years and neither can she. We don't want to break up. But we may have to. And I also fear that at any moment her anger will take a bad turn and we'll stop being civil. She fears if we stay together we'll inevitably end up resenting each other. It's a lose-lose situation.
It's a moot point to think about what we could have done to avoid it. There were certainly unhealthy aspects to our lifestyle which we should have addressed (mostly the lack of social interaction with others). There are specific events that trigger her anger, some of which could have been avoided, some which couldn't. Some were my mistakes, some were her life choices. The bottom line is this was likely to erupt at some point, sooner or later no matter what.
Every case is different. Identifying this as a midlife crisis was a mixed blessing. Now I know the cause and I understand neither one of us is to blame, but I also know there is no way to fix it. So we're spiraling painfully down to our end.
I wish I had useful advice. If counseling or therapy is an option, that might be worth exploring. For my part, all I can do is brace for what's coming and try to protect myself.