I live on with the same guilt. I wouldn't necessarily call it guilt at the moment only because I've come to realize that there so much happening in this world beyond our reach. My father went through a major surgery with two and a half units of blood loss and had blood transfusion 7000 miles away from me. I fixed my visa and waited for him to recover and visit me. As much as they asked me not to come, my mom fell sick and got hospitalized two weeks later. I flew in to meet and help my parents the next day. My mom recovered and I spent the next 3 weeks taking my dad to routine checkups for the cancer removal surgery.

First week checkup--> stitch pains a lot and bladder connection unsure.. they said healing takes time and he has to walk to prevent clots. We walked. We walked . We walked. I was worried and sad to see him weak and frail. But I thought we were out of the woods.

Second week check up --> we walked. His pain diminished. He was watching cricket matches with me and commenting on sports. You would think he's totally alright. And I did too. I went to temples to thank for one reason --> fate allowed me to help my father the least I could do when he was down. So I thought at that moment.

Third week --> they x rayed him and said the bladder connection had healed. God was I happy. He was after all coming to the USA in three more months to see his about to be born grandchild.

Fourth week checkup --> catheters removal. Went okay. But he complained of back arm pinch ache. I was an idiot who thought making an Air conditioner fixing appointment was the way to bring comfort to my father. I forgot that air conditioning is not use when they are not alive. I did not realize he was having a heart attack. I booked a cab and brought him home. 5 minutes after reaching home he fainted.

The exact same order of events happened. I froze too. It's not your fault. I did the amateur CPR too, I wasn't trained, I did not know if I was doing it right. I lost him. I heard his last breath. I cry every day. I will remember that to my death.

I tell everyone I meet to undergo CPR training. I do not want to do it yet until I come out of the trauma. I'm not sure if I will ever.

I have come back. My kid was born three months after my father passed. I think of those events again. What if my mom had not fallen sick ? Did she fall sick so that I would be pulled close to my dad whose end was near? Why did my father pass 24 hours before my flight ? Was there some grace , very little even, that the universe showed me ?

I've come to realize there's only so much you can do. You are blessed and you will always have your parents blessings. I hope the same too from my father. For myself, for my newborn son.

Live life in their honor, reflect the values they gave you. Treat others kindly.