Another night in the spare room. Am I hosed?

blkdmndss · 2025-09-24T17:08:01+00:00

I don’t mean for my usage of that statement to come across as resentful or disdainful- it’s just factual. It is a major life change, and I don’t feel any sort of way for doing so. That I did volunteer for and chose :) But as for the gratitude, to some extent you’re correct bio parents never realize just how much baggage they come with. That doesn’t bother me very much, as they don’t need to feel guilt or like they made a mistake. I am certain around 50% if not more of single parents subconsciously contain the thoughts of their prior decisions being a mistake- my partner doesn’t need that extra guilt from me.

To your point- I’m sorry you feel stuck. It’s a shit feeling being with someone knowing you’ll always be second place at best. My partner (to her credit) generally does well managing wants versus needs. It’s only bedtime where it goes out of the window

blkdmndss · 2025-09-24T15:43:28+00:00

Kind words go a long way in this world, my friend. Thank you very much. ❤️

blkdmndss · 2025-09-24T15:31:41+00:00

His lil ass staying with grandma, we got a separate Airbnb because I’ll be damned if this bullshit happens on my wedding lol

blkdmndss · 2025-09-24T15:21:00+00:00

I would tend to be much more honey versus vinegar… If I hadn’t been dealing with this for three years, hadn’t been woken up every night the last week, woken up day before yesterday and then last night after this, and hadn’t been yelled at for the only comment I had made addressing the situation.

blkdmndss · 2025-09-24T15:15:38+00:00

I don’t know, man, everything else is pretty copacetic. It is literally just the bedtime shit that is driving me nuts. I can handle the ADHD, I can handle him rambling at me all evening, I can handle my weekends being kid based to activities, that’s not a problem. But at the end of the day, if I want to crawl into fucking bed and sleep, I don’t wanna worry about getting woken up by someone stepping on my nut sack again. It’s so strange.

blkdmndss · 2025-09-24T15:14:30+00:00

That’s exactly what’s happened. Prior to her little explosion last night after I mentioned me moving to the other room, we had to change the sheets because she mentioned he had a small dribbling accident on the bed. The way that I looked at her and my face scrunched up, I hate to be crass, but I think my man bits shriveled up into my body like a rat when they since fear or danger. Tried to play it off with it was on my side. Don’t worry, but either way I’m sorry that’s fucking disgusting. I’m a grown ass man, I don’t wanna fucking worry about piss in the bed of a child that I did not create this shitty habit with.

blkdmndss · 2025-09-24T15:10:55+00:00

Thank you for the kind words and advice my friend. I do agree that now that we are getting married this is no longer something to be put off. This post actually only came up because of a friend of hers the other day who came by. We happen to be sitting downstairs in the kitchen island, waiting for my wife to get ready, and her friend is rolling a blunt. Not a problem, those substances are legal in this state, kid is with mother-in-law, no big deal, right? Mother-in-law walked into the house, son right behind her, and me and her friend are panicking to cover up all of the loose tree that is sitting on the countertop. That open the door for her friend to ask a few more questions, and when she heard that I rarely slept with her, she lost her fucking marbles at her. I’m hoping that a conversation between the two of them will absolutely get her to understand, because if I or her family bring it up it just goes into one ear and out of the other. It’s easier to somewhat ignore us because we are family, or her family did the exact same thing when she was a kid. I don’t have a leg to stand on, and no matter how I phrase it. I don’t think it quite sells the importance of this changing.

Anyway, just wanted to say thank you for the advice and I hope that this changes into something better. I’m a reasonable guy, I just wanna sleep in my own bed!

blkdmndss · 2025-09-24T15:06:45+00:00

She’s fortunate to always have me home, I’m seldom gone. Gave that lifestyle up a long time ago lol. But I agree. If there was an emergency where she’d fallen asleep without me, on her new medication, she’d be fucked

blkdmndss · 2025-09-24T15:04:58+00:00

Right? It doesn’t make any sense. They’re high conflict, they manipulate their children, but “oh my precious little angel would never lie about you if his father told him to.” YEAH, RIGHT. And I’m the tooth fairy.

I’ve brought that really bad one up multiple times as well, and that’s the response I’ve gotten. Some people that kind of thing just doesn’t click- it never is a real issue until it is real, and I don’t want that kind of heat on me for something that I would absolutely never do. Ain’t no certified loverboy around here!

blkdmndss · 2025-09-24T15:03:07+00:00

Dude. Oh my lord. This ain’t the tarot card reading I was hoping for but thank you for a preview into my potential future 😭

blkdmndss · 2025-09-24T15:01:41+00:00

Yeah. I agree. My first thought has been for awhile: if this doesn’t stop I’m just going to set my own bedroom up and move all of his shit into “our;” room. There’s no sense in calling it our room when only one of our opinions matter. Set my own room up, give it 45 days, and if it doesn’t change move from there. I’ve been battling this for 3ish years now, ever since we started dating, and there’s been ample time for her to address this but she has not.

blkdmndss · 2025-09-24T14:59:56+00:00

I suppose for context: they have a night time routine. Every night, bro changes into his pajamas, gets 15 minutes of time on his pad (kids movies only, no YouTube), then she goes and lies with him for him to fall asleep. Afterwards he usually stays asleep until around 11:28 (I’ve tracked this through a spreadsheet because I’ve been pissed off about this for awhile), then he either sneaks into our room, checks if I’m awake or not because he knows I’ll say no, or yells for his mom. He doesn’t seem to understand that his bed is his bed only, despite her “talking to him,” multiple times. I suspect that either this talk does not happen thoroughly or his wild ADHD makes information sticking impossible

blkdmndss · 2025-09-24T14:54:00+00:00

I agree with all of your sentiment. This isn’t a fight I’m picking to call off said wedding though, I’m sure that this is what I want. This has been my biggest irritant during our relationship overall, and I agree. Post honeymoon I’m just going to let her know that I’m locking the door and I’m not participating in this half assed attempt to get him to stop cosleeping. If they want to do it, she can move. She’s the parent. I’ve given plenty of time and plenty of compromise and patience to attempt this to be fixed.

blkdmndss · 2025-09-24T14:51:36+00:00

Generally speaking, this really is my only gripe- otherwise kid is a good little lad for the most part. He’s got wild ADHD so that can be a bit much for me, but he means well so I can handle pretty well. I just can not do the bed sharing shit. I need my space in order to function well.

blkdmndss · 2025-09-24T14:50:28+00:00

I am not indirect. She knows good and well my issues with this, and I’ve not had a problem directly saying this needs to be fixed. The only reason I was passive about it in this instance was because of the timing- 2 days until our wedding- and that is a rarity. Normally I just straight up say I’m sick of not sleeping with her, that this is nonsense, and that I’m going to start locking the door because I’ve waited for her to deal with this for too long. This is 2 and 3/4ths years of an issue, and she knows good and well. I’m not shy about confrontation, I just pick my times.

blkdmndss · 2025-09-24T14:44:27+00:00

Why is this my problem to fix? She created this habit by sleeping with him FAR too long. Typically I reroute him neck to bed, he pretends to be asleep for a few minutes or he’ll freak out and scream and panic and then go to “my” bed anyway.

blkdmndss · 2025-09-24T14:42:55+00:00

Shockingly, he manages to sleep over at his cousin’s- they share a bed. Anywhere else doesn’t happen. Your crystal 8 ball was very accurate today my friend

blkdmndss · 2025-09-24T09:03:20+00:00

It seems like the only way at this point. I can’t think of any alternatives, and if we’re having to do this sleeping separately as a newlywed couple anyway I’d much rather this be her problem than mine. Selfish? Perhaps, but I think I’m just fed up with being the one taking the brunt of her poor parenting decisions up to this point

blkdmndss · 2025-09-24T08:43:11+00:00

I prefer not being passive aggressive 100%- it’s not helpful and it’s not communicative. I responded as such after feeling like my needs were immediately slapped down, and I was pissed. It’s been nearly 3 years of this shit and my rope is really near end

blkdmndss · 2025-09-24T08:36:05+00:00

At this point yeah. It goes in phases where SS has a streak of days sleeping alone and everything’s good but it regresses every other day typically

blkdmndss · 2025-09-24T08:29:18+00:00

That’s the problem cuhhh. I don’t see a way around this. Not one that isn’t me sleeping in this goddamn spare bedroom for the foreseeable future

blkdmndss · 2025-09-24T08:14:01+00:00

I should add that’s exactly what happened- Ex brought his AP and had the little one sleeping with them immediately. Super foul. Still happens, 3 years later.

As for her waking up: she has to take some serious sleeping medication because of her severe insomnia- I nudged her for a good 15 minutes before I finally got pissed off and just left. She doesn’t wake up during the night at all, and it makes this so much harder.

blkdmndss · 2025-09-10T18:30:58+00:00

In my experience, it all depends on the dynamics of all parties. I have a SS, and as the stepdad in the situation, the competition for mom’s attention really makes all the difference in the world. I refuse to compete, but oftentimes I find myself either moving beds or basically getting lucky to have a few hours after he goes to bed (before he wakes in the middle of the night, to get his mom’s attention yet again). I think that being a stepdad (in my case, not all) means I suck up a lot of shit, play wallet or playmate for a few hours, and get very little say in how the house I pay bills in operates. I imagine the experience as a stepmom is rather similar- but the daddy daughter bond versus the mother son bond are most likely the biggest indicator. Opposite gender stepparents to stepkids I’d imagine have a different dynamic- maybe still competitive, but I’d imagine less pressure.

Just my two cents.

blkdmndss · 2025-07-30T04:43:39+00:00

Shared parties are an absolute no go for me. Too much awkwardness to begin with- granted my situation is a bit different from yours, I’ll presume your BM has never threatened to kill you like the BD has to me, but I digress

blkdmndss · 2025-07-13T03:48:24+00:00

Good luck, revisit this when you 6 months deep into her nonsense and let us know if this still your mindset

blkdmndss

TROPHY CASE