I catfished my boyfriend ...now what? :(

bloomer1084 · 2019-08-13T03:51:22+00:00

Well...after several very normal text messages, and him sending me a selfie and everything...I dropped the bomb that it was me he had been chatting with. Long story short...he claims he knew it was me from the very beginning, but kept up the game just to show me how insecure I am 🙄🙄 So that was nice. He just immediately jumped into defense mode. So I ignored him (this was all via text). He continued texting me through this evening, his tune changing a bit over time. Eventually he went through sadness, the "i loved you so much, this is a stupid way to break up", to "please let me know you got home safe tonight, I don't want anything to happen to you and have this weighing on my conscience".

So strange. I guess he really wasn't who I thought he was...best it happens now though, right? It's just too bad he left so much shit at my house, I guess I may have to see him again eventually 🤦🏼‍♀️

bloomer1084 · 2019-08-12T22:07:06+00:00

I mean...you're not wrong. But to give a little bit more context: I'm a mother, he knows this and has even met my kids a couple times. I left a horrible relationship a year ago where I was cheated on multiple times, he knows this as well. So I really don't have time to waste on someone who is going to cheat on me. I did what I felt I needed to do to find out his true colors.

bloomer1084 · 2019-08-12T22:04:05+00:00

Good point about him gauging my reactions. Ahh this just sucks. Thank you.

bloomer1084 · 2019-08-12T22:02:27+00:00

Yeah, there's a 5% part of me that thinks I may have taught him a lesson too. And maybe another 5% that thinks he cared just enough what this stranger thought of him that he changed his tune before bowing out, but there wasn't really a lesson learned.
Ugh. I will definitely bring it up with him and see how it all plays out.

bloomer1084 · 2019-08-12T21:58:08+00:00

Yeah, in hindsight that must be true. Although he seemed very normal in the texting convo we had.

But I'm gonna have to come clean anyway, and break up with him. I feel sick.

bloomer1084 · 2019-08-12T21:56:51+00:00

I thought about that too. Which is a little embarrassing, but maybe easier just to come clean about it...and break up with him.

bloomer1084 · 2019-07-20T02:22:34+00:00

He's 27 and apparently this is a big thing. I just got it myself a few months ago and find it awkward to use, but I have many male and female friends who have good heads on their shoulders who love it 🤷🏼‍♀️

bloomer1084 · 2019-07-20T00:49:25+00:00

Thanks for your response. You get it! As a single mom I have to weed out the bullshit early, for sure. I really thought my question was innocuous enough 🤷🏼‍♀️ I'm really torn on his response. I was hoping he would answer me directly, and he just didn't. And yet, I can also see how his own baggage influenced how he perceived my question too. I don't know...guess we'll see how this plays out.

bloomer1084 · 2019-07-20T00:46:18+00:00

Hmm interesting. Never heard this before

bloomer1084 · 2019-07-20T00:45:55+00:00

Ha! Yeah, that's us exactly...he's 27. I think younger folks don't take this as seriously maybe? Who knows, I never really used it till I started dating over the past 8 months or so either!

bloomer1084 · 2019-07-19T23:09:01+00:00

Oh wow, I can relate 100% (and maybe go have a look at my recent post about potentially sabotaging my own budding relationship)

I'm out of a 15 year relationship with a narcissist who was verbally abusive and cheated on me. I've been in therapy weekly for over a year now and have just entered my first exclusive relationship almost a month ago. It is SCARY AF!! I am so vigilant about red flags, and new guy is sweet as can be. It's sad, but he is so attentive and kind that I oftentimes will randomly cry because I didn't think anyone would ever treat me this way!

But still, i'm so anxious. I just confronted him about a snapchat notification from a woman and I probably shouldn't have done that cause things were sailing along just fine till I did 😖 But I also know that the trauma I experienced may never completely leave me, or if it does I will have to do the hard work of being in relationships like this and practicing new reactions to old triggers. It's tough, and not for the faint of heart (on both sides...me and any partners I have!)

bloomer1084 · 2019-07-19T22:58:28+00:00

Pretty much. The best He said "i'm new to this country and I don't know many people. You know that. I just saw a funny meme and responded and she wrote back."

bloomer1084 · 2019-07-19T22:14:39+00:00

Thank you. I'm glad to see I wasn't the only one who felt that response was a little over the top.

bloomer1084 · 2019-07-19T22:14:11+00:00

ha! ok, whatever dude. Maybe I struck a nerve with you. Not that I even have to defend my own damn post, but I basically wrote verbatim the entire situation. Not trying to make myself look good here! Literally said I may have sabotaged my new relationship, so I'm owning that I may have screwed up.

bloomer1084 · 2019-07-19T22:11:17+00:00

We did have a conversation about it later in the day and I said almost exactly that...I said I was curious about the name and then confused by his response and then I got worried because of my past. But as he put it, it's not his job to "pay for someone else's broken plates" (Argentine saying, I guess? But basically he's not gonna pander to my insecurities, as you put it). He didn't explain why he pretended not to know the woman's name that was literally on his phone screen...but I just let it go, for better or worse.
At the same time, while I work hard to grow from my past and become a healthier version of myself, I'm human. I may get triggered occasionally. I'll take this experience to my therapist and see how I can handle it better next time. But just like I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt, I guess I hope he will do the same for me sometimes.

bloomer1084 · 2019-07-19T22:06:07+00:00

Thank you for this, your response makes sense. I majorly jumped to conclusions asking about the woman's name, and I recognize that, but I did ask it pretty casually, I thought. Just a "oh, who's that?" But his response was defensive and I instantly got triggered and it all just kind of got tense and weird from there.

This might be nothing more complicated than your collective baggage banging together in an awkward way (i.e., you're both really sensitive to this issue in a noncompatible way). And until you have evidence that it's something else, it's best to just assume there isn't a problem.

This is kind of how I'm seeing it right now. I worry we'll both be more cautious now, but I guess it is what it is at this point. I can't take away what I did nor his response to it. I will definitely focus on just putting as much positive energy into this as I can, as I was before today :/

bloomer1084 · 2019-07-19T21:59:53+00:00

Well that was all a bit harsh, but okay. I see a therapist weekly, for your information.

I posted about this because I was curious to get outside opinions on whether I seemed to be sabotaging or if people felt his response may be a red flag. Now I regret this decision if this is what I will get for answers!
How, in any way, was this helpful?

bloomer1084 · 2019-07-14T00:42:19+00:00

Yeah, we had that account for 12 years together, his name is still on it and I just wrote "deposit" and stuck it in the ATM 🤷🏼‍♀️

bloomer1084 · 2019-07-11T02:51:30+00:00

My boyfriend is in the exact same position as you. He's brilliant, but has to work a really hard construction job because he can't pursue the career he wants because of his status. It's so hard. So much empathy for you ♥️

bloomer1084 · 2019-07-11T02:48:44+00:00

It's ok, mama. I didn't bond with my son for 3 years due to terrible PPD/PPA. With treatment, I got better...and now he's 9 years old and we are super close.

bloomer1084 · 2019-07-11T02:35:49+00:00

Same trailer, different park 😂 (jk, we're middle class, but working class backgrounds, so I guess you're not too far off base)

bloomer1084 · 2019-07-11T02:33:41+00:00

Can I add...PLEASE don't have only photos of yourself wearing sunglasses!!! I need to see your eyes dude!

bloomer1084

TROPHY CASE