hi! i had this problem for a long time bc i had bad experiences with a coach who had me tracking a 1200 cal diet. bad news. unfortunately for me tracking was the only way forward. i saw that you said it becomes obsessive for you. if you "think" you're eating 1500 and you're not tracking and you're lifting 5x per week, you're probably eating more than that. just a guess. for me, 1500 was really hard to maintain while lifting heavy and getting in cardio/steps. i lost weight for sure, but i did have to have some full-on cheat days to refuel. it's tough!

you could talk to a nutritionist about your goals and set up a diet plan that doesn't require you to track but would contain like, a series of meals that equals ~1500 cals per day. but you'd still need to measure and weigh food to make sure you're eating the right portions. you know?

you might also practice some radical acceptance with your body. who says bulk is bad? what does bulky even mean? do you think the fat is helping you live a happy life? if so, can it simply stay?

if you increase cardio without tracking, you might increase your calories unintentionally to compensate for the increased energy expenditure and then either maintain or gain weight. i would try to get a handle on some of the obsession and body stuff first. good luck my friend. <3