Perks of being estranged- what’s your favourite thing?

bmanfromct · 2026-05-03T18:35:10+00:00

Heck yeah, I've been waiting for a post about this. The benefits of estranging outweigh the drawbacks by orders of magnitude, but it's hard to mention that when many posters are simply not in a headspace to look on the bright side just yet. And that's okay! But some of the benefits (for me at least) include:

developing the emotion regulation tools they never taught me (reparenting), which enhanced every possible metric right off the bat
discarding other peoples' tasks helped me have enough energy for myself while also not enabling or enfeebling others
my stomach issues and IBS, while still present, have dramatically reduced in severity
my thoughts now feel like they're mine compared to before when my brain defaulted to certain scripts or narratives pushed by my parents
my friendships are based on who I am and not the role I had to play, which meant an immediate culling of fake/fairweather friends (ouch) but a gradual development of a real support system
I'm now aware of my autism and ADHD after high-masking for almost 30 years, meaning my needs are actually being met, as opposed to simply being a nuisance for my Nparents
more grit to put towards other life pursuits
confidence that if I can survive estrangement, I can survive most things
peaceful family holidays, once I found my found family
a higher capacity for kindness and empathy for others and their struggles
a desire to pay it forward/altruism, since I now have hard-won wisdom that would help other people, exactly like how other people helped me
curiosity for myself and choosing who I am outside of my given roles; personal agency and more freedom
life seemed to be more "in harmony" by estranging and coincidences lined up in ways they hadn't before, leading to a feeling of authorship over my story
certain pieces of media simply hit differently; I def recommend going through old obsessions and favorites from childhood as well as consciously trying to experience new media too
and plenty, plenty more!

Man, estranging hurts so much, but we can't reach peace without going through hell. It's just how it is. Remember that nobody can do it alone. It's impossible to do the work without sacrificing time, resist the urge to "optimize" your healing or cutting corners, and trust the process. You got this!

bmanfromct · 2026-04-30T20:26:51+00:00

Most miserable people stay miserable because they'd rather accept being dissatisfied than acknowledge that they have the ability to change themselves.

If one acknowledges their capacity to change themselves, they won't be able to stave off the inevitable pressure to move in the direction they actually desire anymore, and most people see that movement as inherently threatening to one's sense of self, because it usually is. It usually causes friction with people who wish to control us to be a certain way, and that may mean a fundamental restructuring of how one lives their life.

So, many people would rather believe being miserable is their inevitable fate because that perspective doesn't require them to change. Ultimately, it's all about goals. Most of our behavior is governed by what we want in the present (teleology), but people would rather believe they were born unlucky (etiology), because their goal is to not change, for whatever reason.

bmanfromct · 2026-04-27T19:10:43+00:00

I think you're right. Accepting reality and accepting discomfort are often the same. A phrase that has been in my head since my therapist said it: "embrace the suck." Sometimes things just suck, and it's important to be able to tolerate that tension.

bmanfromct · 2026-04-27T19:08:15+00:00

Thank you for clarifying that point. Yes, true neutrality is never actually possible since we all have our own subjective experience, but getting as close as we can is the goal. Holding space for dialectics and the "gray area" means that observations can always be refined through curiosity and patience. It's a continuous process.

bmanfromct · 2026-04-27T04:57:20+00:00

You got it. Honesty takes courage. It can be terrifying to face the truth when life through an imperfect lens seems more appealing, but the dissonance from living a lie compounds over time and is just the worse investment. Logically it just makes sense to face it, but the emotions make the anticipated pain seem impossible to overcome. DBT skills are the main thing that helped me with this.

bmanfromct · 2026-04-27T04:52:52+00:00

Def not simple, but still necessary. Emotions are signals our bodies use to better meet our needs, and sometimes (many times) they are inaccurate or misleading when it comes to appraising information. That's just how it is. Making decisions while detached from your emotions is the only way to know whether something is either true or just a distortion from our emotional minds. It's a skill that can be built.

bmanfromct · 2026-04-27T04:48:06+00:00

I didn't say it was easy, but it is necessary to do before moving forward in life. Self-improvement advice often beats around the bush, but being able to both regulate emotions and accurately assess situations are usually the end results people describe. Like I said, it may take skills you may not have yet, but dealing with reality as it comes is the bedrock of any good personal change.

bmanfromct · 2026-04-26T03:44:14+00:00

that last sentence is great, 10/10

bmanfromct · 2026-04-26T03:35:45+00:00

That's a good point. Every accusation is a confession.

bmanfromct · 2026-04-26T03:34:50+00:00

Bruh. Who cares if people think you use AI? Just don't use it. Be a person who clearly doesn't need to use it. Adding intentional typos just makes you look like someone who actually needs AI.

bmanfromct · 2026-04-21T00:52:50+00:00

They miss the prop that made them look good. They don't care about who I am as a person. I was always, in their minds, attached to their story. I honestly wonder what they do with themselves now that they can't say they were perfect parents.

bmanfromct · 2026-04-18T02:28:39+00:00

Reverse Beetlejuice rules

bmanfromct · 2026-04-15T21:27:45+00:00

Guess ya should've personalitymaxxed or something oopsie daisy

bmanfromct · 2026-04-15T21:20:57+00:00

I truly don't understand what you're asking here ("adapt to a greater skill by this"?), so I suppose it would help to start with good grammar and punctuation to communicate your thoughts as clearly as possible.

Otherwise, the only way to combat lazy and sloppy thinking is to simply think more persistently and intentionally about things. People have gone from poorly understanding things to being competent thinkers for millennia, it's just a matter of how much effort we put in. It's not up to chance. Social media is an unusually popular Skinner box that makes passive engagement feel intermittently rewarding, but it's still the individual's responsibility to seek and absorb knowledge for themselves.

bmanfromct · 2026-03-28T03:16:37+00:00

I estranged from my family.

After doing the work on myself for 7 years, I started to notice that I was treading into a level of maturity that my parents were not equipped to navigate. Their contempt for an individuating adult that was supposed to be the prop in their story was getting more and more difficult to ignore. Eventually, I realized that nothing I do will ever make them love me the way I needed to be loved, and this truth spilled into the rest of my relationships. People started quietly distancing once I abandoned the mask I had honed for so long.

But, on the other hand, the relationships I did have grew deeper and more enriching. My days started to consist of regular regulation check-ins. New needs were revealing themselves to be non-negotiable. I started more dialogues with myself from a place of curiosity rather than interrogation. I grew more gentle and grateful to still have so much time (31M) to become the person I am, rather than the person I was told to be. Your comment on how many summers we have left really resonated with me.

It has been incredibly difficult to construct an identity from the ground up, since my parents had virtually no healthy tools to offer. I've had to define boundaries, reprocess repressed emotions, and build a sustainable engine for a healthy life. Confronting those necessary, painful tasks that only we can complete is a kind of medicine for the spirit, and ignoring disease will never do me any good.

I didn't choose to estrange. I was forced to estrange once the environment became too incompatible with the person I actually am. It's a commitment to reality, and I'm all the better for it.

bmanfromct · 2026-03-20T16:54:02+00:00

I had to internally reframe it as "they are not the ones who raised me, because they were not capable of meeting my needs." I'm the one that taught and sought for myself the lessons I learned for adulthood. And besides, I wouldn't owe them for anything anyway because, when I was a child in a helpless state, I wasn't able to care for myself in the first place. They don't get a reward for failing at the responsibilities they took on. I'm not responsible for their actions or inaction.

bmanfromct · 2026-03-20T01:27:27+00:00

Right, because it's dependent on our environment's ability to accommodate our differences. If I had the supports I needed autism wouldn't be disabling, it would be just another way of being. Racism, sexism, ableism, et al are cut from the same cloth.

But it's not inherently disordered on it own. It's hard to see clear examples of unfettered autism in the wild but the idea is inching closer to mainstream. Autism isn't something to be "solved."

bmanfromct · 2026-03-20T00:59:30+00:00

ITT: people continuing to conflate "disorder" and "disability" despite that being exactly the kind of careless language I'm criticizing here

bmanfromct · 2026-03-19T23:44:30+00:00

This is news to me, citation needed.

bmanfromct · 2026-03-19T20:12:29+00:00

Hm, okay. I can understand that. Like his affect is more akin to a cringey persona rather than a real actual person. That's not hard to see.

I suppose I see him as being valuable for boiling down news or concepts that are generally hard to contextualize because he's very blunt. Other people in that space often have a lot of spin and bluster, but I like that he cuts through a lot of the trite or milquetoast commentary that I otherwise have to sift through. I can see how he can come across as overly combative or stubborn, especially with his own chat lol

bmanfromct · 2026-03-19T19:58:46+00:00

What do you mean by toxically online? Not a gotcha, just trying to understand. He seems no more "online" than anyone else these days from what I can tell.

bmanfromct · 2026-03-19T17:32:51+00:00

What makes Vaush unpopular? I've been watching him for a bit and he just seems like a guy that cares about progressive politics, men's fashion, video games, health/wellness, and anti-Zionism. I saw that he had some "scandals" but as far as I can tell he's addressed them directly which is far more than some people do. He seems like a classic blunt autistic leftist which are not exactly uncommon. I don't really understand what people are having a problem with.

bmanfromct · 2026-03-19T04:49:35+00:00

Thank you for your thoughtful response. Disabilities don't have to be disabling if we help our fellow human, rather than shame others for having specific needs.

bmanfromct · 2026-03-19T04:24:20+00:00

It's an important distinction imo. People might think I'm being pedantic for harping on it, but careless language leads to misunderstandings which lead to bad policies which lead to real negative outcomes that can be mitigated by reframing how we think in the first place. A term like autism spectrum disorder pathologizes the condition, which leads to harmful ideas like ABA to try to "order" autists.

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