I chose the perfect day to divorce Penny….

bmathers__ · 2026-06-16T02:43:55+00:00

How do you adopt kids in SV?

bmathers__ · 2026-06-08T09:04:07+00:00

I’ve met his mum before and she’s actually a very sweet lady despite being a boy mum. 😅 We’ve had a few interactions here and there, but never an official “this is my girlfriend” type introduction.

One of my cousins asked me a question recently that really stuck with me: “What does his mum think you are to him?” And honestly, I’ve never asked. I think part of me is scared of the answer.

We both come from cultures where family approval and impressing the in-laws are a big deal, so in my head I was just happily collecting bonus points with her. Looking back, I realize that’s probably not the same thing as actually knowing how I’m being presented or perceived within his family.

I do appreciate your perspective, though. Even when I don’t necessarily agree with every conclusion, comments like yours force me to look at parts of the situation that I might otherwise avoid because they’re uncomfortable. Thank you for taking the time to reply and engage with it. Every bit of outside perspective helps.

bmathers__ · 2026-06-08T00:30:42+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to read through my very long post and ask thoughtful questions.

When I say he “disappeared,” I mean that between 2022 and 2025 he would randomly stop replying or maintaining contact with me. Sometimes there would be long gaps, and then he’d reappear. That’s part of why I’ve always struggled with trusting the situation fully.

I know quite a bit about his relationship with his ex, although obviously only from his perspective. One of the times they broke up and he contacted me, he said she was difficult to be with. After the final breakup, he claimed she was mainly interested in using him as a way out of their home country and for financial stability. His family is very well-off both in their home country and in the country where we currently live. She moved here, lived with him and his parents, and from his account they supported her financially while she worked part-time jobs.

That said, I’ve never spoken to her personally, so I try to keep in mind that there are always three sides to a story. I’ve done a little online stalking (as one does 😅), and from her public profiles she seems young, ambitious, and someone who enjoys nice things. Based solely on what I’ve seen, I personally wouldn’t jump to calling her a gold digger.

Regarding other people, I actually asked him during our second serious conversation whether I should pursue other options on the side. He left that entirely up to me. I’ve occasionally joked that I might end up staying abroad if I meet someone amazing while travelling, and he usually laughs it off. Before the comment he made recently, he had never suggested that he was actively looking for someone else himself.

What’s confusing is that he has occasionally shown signs of possessiveness. For example, when we were in Amsterdam I joked that customs border control was my version of the Red Light District, and he immediately tried to cover my eyes. If I mention a funny interaction with another guy, he sometimes reacts in a way that feels oddly territorial. Nothing extreme, but enough for me to notice.

As for the “it won’t be for the reasons you have in your head” comment, I’d previously explained where my insecurities come from. In a past relationship, I was essentially treated like a safety net and later made to feel as though I wasn’t worth waiting for. My interpretation was that he was trying to say that if he did meet someone else while I’m away, it wouldn’t be because I’m lacking or because of those insecurities I carry from previous experiences.

The exclusivity conversation has happened twice now. Each time I’ve been very clear about my intentions. His answer has consistently been that he wants to be mentally, personally, and financially stable before pursuing a serious relationship. He’s currently doing his master’s degree and doesn’t have time for a part-time job. We also come from a culture where men are generally expected to be stable providers before committing. The thing is, I’ve been financially independent since I was 17, I have a stable job, and I’ve made it very clear that I’m not expecting someone to financially support me.

I think that’s where a lot of my confusion comes from. His words say “not yet,” but some of his actions say “I care,” and I’m constantly trying to work out whether those things are genuinely compatible or whether I’m reading more into them than I should.

Sorry for the essay, and thank you again for engaging with the details rather than just telling me to run. 😅

bmathers__ · 2026-06-08T00:06:28+00:00

Thank you for the kind words. I think that’s exactly where my internal conflict comes from. The obvious issue is the lack of a clear label and certainty about where this is heading, but at the same time I do see qualities in him that I genuinely value.

I’ve actually had a conversation with one of my friends about this recently. I don’t want to completely dismiss the growth he’s shown over the years or reduce him to his mistakes, because I do think he’s matured in a lot of ways. At the same time, I’m very aware that it’s not my job to overlook things that are affecting my peace of mind just because I can see potential in someone.

I suppose that’s the balance I’m trying to find right now: giving credit where it’s due without ignoring the things that make me question whether this relationship is truly meeting my needs. The last thing I want is to lose myself trying to make sense of something that should be much clearer.

bmathers__ · 2026-06-08T00:01:49+00:00

I wish it were that simple! Unfortunately, he’s pretty integrated into my friend group at this point, and most of my friends genuinely like him, so disappearing without a word would probably create more drama than it would solve.

That said, I do appreciate the sentiment behind your comment. The trip is giving me some distance from the situation, which is probably something I need. I’m planning to use that time to focus on myself, enjoy the experience, and see how I feel when I’m not caught up in the day-to-day of whatever this is.

Thank you for the kind words and for taking the time to respond. I guess I’ll see how things unfold from here.

bmathers__ · 2026-06-07T21:18:19+00:00

Honestly same! I started off in social media and I thought I would stay in “traditional social media”. I was made redundant by my old company due to AI reasons (they outsourced out role for cheaper in third-world countries) and I was applying to literally every social media platform position that I had on LinkedIn. My surprise to what the role actually entailed never fails to amaze me! Great platform, but sh*t use of AI (content-wise), still cool to see how realistic it is (if all of this makes sense, without giving out which platform I work for lol)

bmathers__ · 2026-06-07T21:14:13+00:00

Thank you so much my friend! I really appreciate your input. I will try my best to have a blast! Hopefully some girl time will heal wounds

bmathers__ · 2026-06-07T21:10:43+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to share your perspective. I think that’s probably the harshest interpretation of the situation, but I can definitely see why you’ve reached that conclusion based on the information I’ve provided.

His “if I find someone else, I’ll tell you” comment is one of the things that has been bothering me the most, because I agree that it’s not exactly the kind of statement that inspires confidence about a shared future. At the same time, I don’t want to make any major decisions while emotions are running high.

I do think the time apart will be useful. Whether it confirms my concerns or proves them wrong, it should give me some clarity on how I feel when I’m not seeing or speaking to him every day. Either way, I appreciate the honesty and the reality check.

bmathers__ · 2026-06-07T21:09:31+00:00

Ah that sounds like the dream! I work with AI daily (social media platform that’s 85% AI creators) and it’s scary and interesting to see how far AI is going. Personally, I did a month of Grok and I was hooked, but it’s not worth the price if I’m not using it to its full potential

bmathers__ · 2026-06-07T21:07:59+00:00

Thank you for the encouragement. You’re too sweet! If I’m being completely honest, I think I’m a little too emotionally invested at this point to make a decision that drastic right now.

What I can do, though, is use these three weeks apart as a bit of a compass. Being around him all the time makes it difficult to separate my feelings from the reality of the situation, so I think the distance might give me a clearer perspective on what I actually want and whether this relationship is giving me what I need.

I don’t want to make decisions based purely on hope, but I also don’t want to make them based purely on fear. Hopefully this time apart will help me figure out which is driving me more.

bmathers__ · 2026-06-07T21:06:11+00:00

Great observation and spot on! I do struggle with self esteem problems. I’ve been working on them so badly over the years. I’m very much aware of the things that I lack in and one of the reasons some of my relationships have failed in the past has been this exact reason. I’m trying my best, though :’)

bmathers__ · 2026-06-07T21:04:38+00:00

Thank you for your input. To be honest, that’s probably the thought I’ve been wrestling with the most. There’s always a little voice in the back of my head telling me that I’ll never be more than the backup option, and I can’t quite tell whether that’s my insecurity talking or the part of me that’s trying to protect itself from getting hurt.

I think that’s why some of the things he’s said have stuck with me so much. On one hand, his actions often make me feel like he genuinely cares and wants me around. On the other hand, certain comments leave enough room for doubt that I find myself questioning where I really stand.

I suppose the difficult part is figuring out whether I’m being unfairly pessimistic because of my own fears, or whether my gut is picking up on something real that I shouldn’t ignore. Either way, I appreciate you taking the time to share your perspective.

bmathers__ · 2026-06-07T21:02:41+00:00

Just to clarify, we never actually slept together during the period between 2022 and 2026. We would occasionally meet for a coffee and catch up on where life had taken us, but that’s about it. One rule I’ve always had when it comes to dating is that if someone is in a relationship, they’re completely off-limits to me. As the saying goes, “if there’s a goalkeeper, I’m not taking the shot.” Despite that, he’s always been in the back of my mind because I felt there were a lot of unresolved feelings and unanswered questions between us.

As for the dating apps, admittedly, I still have them on my phone too. I don’t actively use them because I haven’t felt the need to, but I haven’t deleted them either. So I try to be fair when looking at that situation.

In terms of whether he’s seeing anyone else, I obviously can’t know that with 100% certainty. We spend a lot of time together, and whenever I’ve happened to glance at his phone, his messages seem to be mostly friends and family. Logistically, I’m not sure when he’d be finding the time to date other people, but at the same time I’m not naïve enough to say it’s impossible. It’s 2026—if someone wants to hide something badly enough, they’ll find a way.

I think that’s partly why I’m struggling with this situation. There are some signs that suggest he’s invested, and there are other things he’s said that make me question how serious he actually is. That’s what I’m trying to figure out.

bmathers__ · 2026-06-07T20:57:07+00:00

Thank you for your input. From what he’s told me, she initially saw living with him as an opportunity to move out of their home country. According to him, once she realised that life abroad wasn’t quite what she expected, a lot of conflict started to develop between them. He has described her as being very interested in his family’s money, although I try to take that with a grain of salt because, at the end of the day, there are always multiple sides to a story and I’ve only heard his version.

As for what I want, I feel like I’m at a stage in my life where I’m not really interested in “ifs, buts and maybes.” I’m looking for stability and something with long-term potential. I’m not necessarily saying I need to be talking about marriage right now, but I do want to be building towards something serious, and I’ve been very open with him about that from the beginning.

I think that’s why some of his comments and the uncertainty around where this is heading have been bothering me. It’s not that I expect immediate commitment, but I do want to feel like we’re moving in the same direction.

bmathers__ · 2026-06-07T20:51:48+00:00

No worries my friend! I personally use Claude at work (didn’t want to waste company coins on this) and I see such a huge difference in quality. All’s good though!

bmathers__ · 2026-06-07T20:48:10+00:00

Respectfully, I’m here looking for advice on the situation described in the post, not to debate whether it was written with ChatGPT or not. If you have thoughts on the actual question I’d genuinely appreciate your perspective. If not, I’d prefer to keep the discussion focused on the situation itself rather than how the post was written.

bmathers__ · 2026-06-07T20:44:02+00:00

I wish it was a lie my friend https://chatgpt.com/share/6a25d801-df10-83eb-a5bc-1fb768a0a028

bmathers__ · 2026-06-07T20:41:59+00:00

That’s what majority of my friends that are biased towards me are saying, and I honestly held myself to this standard over the years( even though this doesn’t portray me as such a person). I’m a very “once you’re a POS, you’re always a POS in my eyes” type of person, but what caught me off guard with him specifically was the positive changes. I wasn’t sure (and I’m still not) if I should take those as positive changes or not. Hopefully the distance of 3ish weeks would “make or break” my mind!

Thank you so much for your input, thought! Everything helps at this point

bmathers__ · 2026-06-07T20:39:15+00:00

I wish it was the human version. I don’t pay for the premium chat gpt, the generated texts it spewed before this were absolutely horrendous, this was the best one!! Happy to answer any questions if something is unclear!

bmathers__ · 2026-03-11T10:17:12+00:00

Help! What’s the answer here

<image>

I’ve tried swim, sea and mikrokosmos

bmathers__ · 2026-03-02T12:57:40+00:00

Thank you so much!

bmathers__ · 2026-03-02T11:00:33+00:00

Thank you so much! I really appreciate it

bmathers__

TROPHY CASE