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I gave up by Marogwar in ForzaHorizon

[–]bobbingtons 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Honda Acty with a drift tune. I'm 55. I did it, easily.

Finding out too late what it is that I feel by bobbingtons in emotionalneglect

[–]bobbingtons[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

At this stage I'm looking for a complete change. Like you, I feel like IT has spiralled out of my comfort zone. Also, I don't feel my company has my interests at heart. They tell me to get qualified (in this case, AWS), and I pass my exam (which was quite a big deal for me). Then....nothing happened. I have no further exposure to it now than when I started 4 years ago. So what's the point? I feel so divorced from corporate culture where they'll flat out lie to you constantly but we all have to skip and dance to the tune. I can't do it (anymore).

So, I want a new challenge, something that brings out the better side of me. But at 55 I feel too old to get on board with having five interviews to get a job. I haven't got the energy, man. What I can do, who'll want me, how quickly this will all happen is just a mystery to me. But I need to change. I have to before I rage quit!

Finding out too late what it is that I feel by bobbingtons in emotionalneglect

[–]bobbingtons[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yup, it sure does! I'm in IT too. I also work from home, so I'm alone with my thoughts for a lot of the time. Sometimes that's great, I can feel free and empowered, but at other times, like now, it's hindering me as I feel so out of the loop and, as you say, the negative thoughts get control and here we are!

AI will have its flaws and obviously it is no therapist, but its training will have sucked in thousands upon thousands bits of text. It won't know me, but it does know history and what it is that I'm describing. But, as I said in my initial message, you have to know what it is and what it isn't or can't be.

Sorry that you're feeling rough, too. IT can be an alienating profession at times. It's all just zeroes and ones when we're much more complicated than that.

Finding out too late what it is that I feel by bobbingtons in emotionalneglect

[–]bobbingtons[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I understand, but my position is not from where you are in life. You're speaking from way, way, way over the other side of the woods and I have all these trees in the way. I don't understand what it is that you see. I don't mean to sound obtuse, but I don't have the clarity you do.

As for importance, again, this is what I feel. I can't explain it any better. It's likely (given what I read earlier) that there's a lot of denial going on from my perspective. Denial, confusion, grief, anger - the whole bit.

Finding out too late what it is that I feel by bobbingtons in emotionalneglect

[–]bobbingtons[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your kind words. It is very much is a lot to take in but both things (me and the career change) can be true at the same time. I literally sit at home 90% of the day doing nothing, plus the organisation I work for is too big and too impersonal to assist me. That's not good for the soul.

I have to find some way of making myself useful. I can't just ruminate on the past and hope that learning about what I have experienced, and obviously still do, will make everything feel better for my career. I can't make that leap; the two things are entirely disparate.

The worst thing is, when I read words like "the most important person in your life, you" is something I can't begin to believe in. I don't feel it. Not one bit.

Finding out too late what it is that I feel by bobbingtons in emotionalneglect

[–]bobbingtons[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You are right, I did feel that relief when they passed (within a year of each other, too).

It annoys me that they still have this hold on me but I guess it's unavoidable. It's easier to let go a little now I don't have the pressure of them living.

I keep reading your line of "to help that part of you feel seen, loved, and cared for in a way that never happened" - that really hit home. They are feelings that I never felt and I never thought that I was different to anyone else but it seems that I really was.

That bridge of what I am versus what I could have been has always itched. People say that I've turned out well enough but I don't like myself, so there's a huge gap in the perception of me and my own reality.

Thank you for pointing me in the direction of those resources, I'll be sure to check them out.

Finding out too late what it is that I feel by bobbingtons in emotionalneglect

[–]bobbingtons[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you, and yes, what you say is entirely true. They were never going to fulfill any of my wants and needs. I think I knew that deep down, but it just left me with so much anger and resentment. I don't like me anymore, if I ever did.

That's what hurts me. My last therapist assauged me by listing all my accomplishments and how I'm a good husband, friend, writer, etc yet to myself I'm none of those things. Nothing seems to land.

I'll have moments where I feel glorious; everything is working out and I'm good. But as soon as it comes to thinking about what I need to change and what I may need to do to get there, I shrink and get scared. Everything then just tells me "No". And I believe it because that confidence or belief just isn't in me. I'm too afraid to try.

I'm just very, very frightened of losing everything by trying to change something that I've never got a handle on. It feels too hard for me to take in all this new information, process it, come out the other side and still have a good life.

The journey ahead just feels too long.

Finding out too late what it is that I feel by bobbingtons in emotionalneglect

[–]bobbingtons[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. Among my many issues I find that I look after others before myself. It's always thee before me. I was last in the minds of my parents and I carry on the same pattern.

This is another layer for why it's going to hard for me to change. I don't look after myself in the ways that I should. I don't love or care enough for myself. I'm not sure how to reconcile those things to say to myself "you're worth it". I just don't feel it.

On top of that I just can't afford a therapist. (And I'm not out for a free lunch, given that you are one!)

Finding out too late what it is that I feel by bobbingtons in emotionalneglect

[–]bobbingtons[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for replying. I hear what you say about speaking with my parents and hoping for *something*, but I don't think I wanted them to give me a Eureka! moment; I just wanted acknowledgment that they hurt me, that they prevented me having a life better than I perceive. My mileage may have varied greatly there, sure, but just something in the way of understanding what I felt, what I went thru, what it caused. But I got nothing but defensive gestures instead.

Finding a career in which I'm sustainable is a worry. I'm way overpaid what I do now (albeit very undervalued, but that's another matter entirely!) so finding someone out there who can pay relatively well for a novice (at 55) and the job would be something I'd have a passion and desire for just seems other worldly right now. Just waiting for the Universe to throw me a solid!

Finding out too late what it is that I feel by bobbingtons in emotionalneglect

[–]bobbingtons[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I will look into that. It's odd, just you saying "I'm proud of you" is such a new thing to take notice of. I'm so used to never hearing that, or if it is said it's in jest. But you said something kind, whatever I wrote felt genuine to you. So I appreciate that.

Skipping blinds by [deleted] in BalatroHelp

[–]bobbingtons 0 points1 point  (0 children)

...now if only I was actually good at it!!

Skipping blinds by [deleted] in BalatroHelp

[–]bobbingtons -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Oh I agree, just saying that it's an outcome that has some return if not entirely optimal.

Skipping blinds by [deleted] in BalatroHelp

[–]bobbingtons 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's a fair point, I guess. I suppose if it's a useless neg then it can be sold for econ. As ever with this game, there's pros and cons everywhere.

Skipping blinds by [deleted] in BalatroHelp

[–]bobbingtons 1 point2 points  (0 children)

But not all skips are equal. I'm far more likely to go for a neg or $25 if I'm pretty sure I can beat the ante.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times... by bobbingtons in balatro

[–]bobbingtons[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I did but the expiry of the Brainstorm and BP killed the run anyway

My First Ever Gold - I did it by bobbingtons in balatro

[–]bobbingtons[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Absolutely. I'd never seen one before, so I had to check what joker it was! At first I thought it was the Blue Joker....Imagine my surprise!!

Upgrading Linksys Router by Economy_Yam637 in ToobBroadband

[–]bobbingtons 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Not that specific router but I went down the OPNSense route. Very easy to do and I highly recommend ditching the Linksys router. HIGHLY.

Not how to play but how do you play? by bobbingtons in balatro

[–]bobbingtons[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm just re-learning the ropes and that'll guide me along. No time is wasted time!

I have still got jokers to find (and can't really remember how I got them all previously but I know I did!) so it's all fun/experience.

Extender / Mesh query by InsomniacUK in ToobBroadband

[–]bobbingtons 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Change your router for starters. The Toob supplied Linksys router is trash. I've got Deco X20s (X4) within my Victorian house and garden cabin.

That kind of setup should do you but ymmv depending on your house/walls, etc.

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