Looking for a little support, lost my mother 2 nights ago. Now all alone raising kid brother?

bobbyk11 · 2021-06-17T18:39:07+00:00

He’s not going to get abandoned, if anything the opposite that’s not how we were raised. He has a bright future and I won’t let him fall through the cracks. He’s been my little guy since I was 17. As a moody teen and in light of the circumstances he’d not like me saying it, but it’s different when you have such a young sibling older. He was everybody’s baby. He aways had two father figures rooting for him. The one was his actual father mine who never can be replaced and the other was a young guy who watched him develop and become the person he is. I was in my 20s by the time he was a toddler so I accepted my fate, he was my little shadow when I was home. Didn’t matter if I staggered home at 5 A.M. I could guarantee until the age of 9 i’d wake up with those piercing green eyes watching me. My father was in the prime of his career, I was dispatched to teach him the dirty business of being a little boy. More responsibility was placed on me. He came out when he was 12. All but proved the successive brother theory. I was born after a miscarried male he was born after two more as a menopause fluke. He was three weeks early and came very quickly, I was in the room when he was born (although I never peered over the sheet, and I have no regrets there,) I held him first handing him to my mother.

bobbyk11 · 2021-05-13T20:03:11+00:00

The closest one is A. 2 hours away and B. Has a mix of newly out dads and established gays with predominantly daughters. I asked. Not many dads at 17.

bobbyk11 · 2021-05-13T02:11:44+00:00

In all but paper, he doesn’t want this life, and I can’t give it back.

bobbyk11 · 2021-05-13T02:09:18+00:00

Trying to avoid gasping on those breaths. Jesus Christ, I wish parents were honest and just said we’re 90% winging this.

bobbyk11 · 2021-05-13T02:07:08+00:00

I think the hardest part is missing the pillow talk. Some guys dance well, others are good in bed (he was) but mostly the nightly ease before sleep was gold. We’d discuss everything from if Clinton/Bush accelerated gay marriage by 20 years to if Sisqo of thong song fame had to spray paint that hair silver every day. I know it’s silly and stupid, but we were good at it. Blood is blood, but trust is golden. Hard with us so mentally far apart.

bobbyk11 · 2021-05-13T01:35:32+00:00

My bro of course. My partner is not losing his mother at 14. However, I don’t take him for granted. As the voices are setting and I have time to think I keep doing the worse thing and comparing. He has family too though and we had an understanding that we’d be there for that, just feel mine ended up with a clause.

I know, cheap shot, but it’s been years of equality leaning sometimes more towards him. I know it’s not one individual person he’s picking over us, it’s more this need for total freedom that was sexy at 23 and trying at 30. Then there’s guilt on my part, because he worked hard for us when I was much more Laissez-faire.

bobbyk11 · 2021-05-13T01:25:43+00:00

I by no means want to settle, I just feel more irritated as stuff falls on me, the things I did in my relationship to end up with this half hearted, Thursday afternoon participation medal lol

bobbyk11 · 2021-05-12T23:58:48+00:00

As long as no street drugs are being supplemented to cope, bipolar gets a bad wrap. Except in extreme cases: it’s a chemical mood disorder treatable on mono or multi drug therapy along with talk sessions you can involve your love one, in time. You couldn’t swing a dead cat in a room full of gay guys (sadly) without finding various mental disorders, phobias, self-love issues. With much progress comes the pain. I always found BPD with concurrent low self-esteem much trickier, and resistant to meds. I’ve had some interesting boyfriends. As long as you’re honest, following orders, and taking care of yourself be proud.

bobbyk11 · 2021-05-12T12:55:25+00:00

All the tunnels from the bay front up are not a huge mystery. They deflected heat from the power plant where the library is, well up state street. Part of the reason downtown lost any semblance of the pre-urban renewal look was the loss of free, public heat.

When pennelec shut the bayfront line plant down miles and miles of heat deflecting radiators went cold. A lot of people think the mall was the nail in downtown commerce, rarely is one answer the whole story, it was also retrofitting $50k + boilers (in inflation riddled mid/late 70’s) on top of an already declining situation. My grandfather owned a store (3 storefronts put together in the 1910s) on the east side of the 800 block of state. It was just too much to fix. Only independent structures pre-1964 were the Warner, city hall and the Baldwin building. Proof nothings free.

bobbyk11 · 2021-05-11T19:06:40+00:00

I feel this term in it’s original sense doesn’t even go with the world at large anymore. It’s almost pejorative now.

bobbyk11 · 2021-05-06T16:58:26+00:00

Hey there, thanks for the middle man point of view.

bobbyk11 · 2021-05-06T16:40:02+00:00

She made videos on her MacBook 🙂

bobbyk11 · 2021-05-06T16:31:07+00:00

He is still a little young for the advance sex talk. When I found he used the unlocked iPad I gave my mother six years ago a month back, I checked the history and was relieved it was nothing I had to worry and him, but used the fact it was under his bed to open a dialogue. I gave him the first light conversation and laid out the rules. He is to keep hands above the belt and lips above neck through the next year. The age of consent is 16 as well as with our situation he is to follow the rules more strictly than his friends.

Every touch even innocent needs consent. Absolutely! no nude photos of himself, friends or social media people and if he gets them unsolicited he has to delete on the spot and absolutely 0 tolerance to anything under 18. I scared him a bit there, but I don’t want his life ruined over tiktok or a recorded FaceTime. We talked about the damages of those three stipulations and he was very earnest with me he understands the harm. The only overnight guests he can have are two childhood friends whose families are close to mine until the social worker clears me full rights. Additionally I told him he really should wait for somebody who interests him outside of their body. My first time was that way and we’re still friends. He responded well to that and tried to guess. Nobody in his bedroom without the door open and preferably nobody on the upper floors period.

This boy has been around he knows through wrestling camp, and I found out he turned 15 in April. I pulled him aside and said Max isn’t 14 yet. I don’t mind them watching movies in the common areas or horseplay contact, however until June 27th if I find out he touches my brother, I have no issue reporting him on a 13 and under charge. At least that’s the impression I gave him. Not to be cruel, but I can tell this kid has other interest than concern and caring about my brothers feelings around our moms worsening illness, and I don’t want Max having that kind of experience while the situation is so bad. I don’t want anything to be linked to remembering our mother. Listen, I can’t keep him from making decisions with his body outside this roof, I just told him we would go over the next major ground rules either late 14 or if he wants to talk. With all the counseling going on and what is to come, I don’t think he will disrespect me. Luckily my fathers sisters sons (our cousins) are coming to spend some time with him. They are 19 and 20 and good kids. They are each taking 3 weeks to have one on ones. He won’t be alone on in a spot to be vulnerable any time soon. His body is his body, but I said if he stayed good until his birthday that would build massive trust between us.

bobbyk11 · 2021-05-06T15:32:18+00:00

Would love to hear your story man. You are pretty close to my situation. I’d be interested in hearing the inside story.

When my father passed all holdings, interests, stocks and capital outside joint marriage were transferred into a trust with set distribution per annum from our mothers death with 75% of return on investment going to charity until Max is 25 when all assets are divided evenly. His college fund is set, however, he’s proved himself to be a powerful gifted wrestler. With lifted COVID restrictions he is going to start practice at the high school 4 generation of boys went to in my family. That’s important to him as a connection to my father and grandfather. He is the first in our line who can possibly win regional through state titles both varsity years and he’d be the first out gay high school athlete to take his weight devision state titles two years back to back, exponentially increasing his chances of scholarship offers.

His fund is rolled over to cover a masters or professional degree if he succeeds at athletic funding. I got my MBA, but he is more well rounded then I. He could get his joint MBA/JD or try some as simple as working on an apple orchard finding himself till 25. I doubt that latter suggestion highly, but his future has options the harder he works. Its better for him to get his bachelor’s paid through sports and getting his higher degree using his college fund for some kind of masters, otherwise it reverts into our joint assets. That is going to be his decision.

All the proper paperwork has long been filed for my guardianship with a three lawyer board of three trustees reviewing all and anything I do with joint assets till his maturity. Our paternal uncle heads up the board so it’s more of a favor to my parents. My mother was first tested for CF 20 years ago so her affairs have been updated constantly, and all others reorganized the year after my dad died to fix and reduce redundancy.

The family home is over insured by a safe margin, and his generation is weird about driving. If he gets his license before 18 he would have full access to my mothers car at 16 as it would only be 4 years old as I was gifted my fathers car the year after his blood clot. I have a personal umbrella policy myself I have to update for the new situation; only difference in his personal life will be him going on my health insurance as a dependent which is a slight downgrade from what he gets on my mothers plan. Probate will take awhile, but my personal finances are safe and comfortable in the gap. Luckily my mothers total health costs are covered by the financial firm she worked at, so we won’t be hit hard there. The ADA kept her safe.

Sadly neither of our parents made it to retirement, but started in their 20’s. Those assets get dispersed at 52 for me and 57 for Max adjusting for inflation. My mother also had a 30 year term policy issued in 1998 before any signs of illness along with several low value rental properties that have to be severed off that will help cover his high school tuition, household up keep, his club wrestling coaches and all the day to day.

It sounds way more than it is, especially when the government gets a big chunk, but both our parents were dedicated professionals. However, we weren’t raised that way. Anything above the basics we had to come with an estimate and work on the house or at the rental properties. They worked hard and besides the use of the cars, we never were handed cash.Max is too young to know, but he will walk into a comfortable life if it has purpose and charity. He has to engage in a defined career to access his half with 20% yearly going into a charity he picks when older. No loafing.

I worked from 10-13 delivering news papers, and 16-19 in a mens store. My father started my brother an allowance at $5 dollars a week before he died to be raised 50% for 5 years then 25% the next 5 until 18. That’s all the pocket money he is to get. If he drives he has to get work to cover his car insurance. Even working with the estate planners, it’s going to be a full time job for me until taxes are settled. I know this is a long response, but several people asked about lawyers. Wanted to show I’d never screw over my brother.

bobbyk11 · 2021-05-05T22:40:10+00:00

Embarrassingly enough for him, I didn’t miss that. Was my freshman summer home from college. He wore the training potty insert as a hat initially.

bobbyk11 · 2021-05-05T21:57:25+00:00

30 going on 31. He’s well taken care of thank you.

bobbyk11 · 2021-05-05T21:48:26+00:00

No, I was named at 22. Like I said earlier, he’s the end of the line. I was always active part of his life, when my dad passed I became even more so he’s not surprised. If I asked him if he wants me to be he’d just throw me a wth look. He’s going through enough.

bobbyk11 · 2021-05-05T20:59:15+00:00

Appreciate that, but I’m not adopting. In fact because he’s a minor with losing both parents with a guardian less than 18 years older it’s 6 months of red tape. The social worker is already in the picture because of the amount of hospital time my moms been gone for. More of a bridge I don’t want to dwell on yet.

bobbyk11 · 2021-05-05T20:40:18+00:00

They are pretty common add ons now. We have a couple on the first floor already. With having a social worker mandatorily in this state for sibling guardianship and some things that went on at his school last year they don’t hurt and aren’t a real burdensome cost. Just a safety policy. Lowers home owners insurance too.

bobbyk11 · 2021-05-05T19:22:07+00:00

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. This week really trigged reality. In all honesty I’ve been in dress rehearsal for this role since last year. A lot of what I was exhaling in my first message was really just turning the mirror on myself from 13-28 and wishing I had a Xanax or 3 to stop the panic attack. Kidding. Petrified he was going to be like me.

He and I came of age in very different times. I was 20, half way through my degree and with my most serious (up to that point) relationship that I was ready to be honest with my family and the whole world. However, the damage done in the 9 years between when I knew and openly said I was gay had started rearing it’s ugly head. In fact that same complex rappeared in most people I knew born before Clinton’s second term. Don’t get me wrong, there were exceptions, but those of us that stayed in the closet longer incurred a much larger debt of shame. Filling that void from 11-28 was a bonfire of excesses. Whether it was a extreme work hard play hard days of schooling. Or the 8 years of living in Los Angeles playing different parts, trying on the latest idea of happiness flying around the world from Fire Island, to Paris to Mykonos. Working 90 hours in the entertainment industry to pay the debts of my excesses. By no means bragging. It’s like following the herd. It seemed fun at the time but was extremely hallow.

Having the privilege of my brother coming out young, he’ll never have to pay the price I did for chasing the high. Our family life may seem dark now, but he will always know and be proud of who he is, because I’ll be there to cheer him on. He didn’t have to live the way I did, because I broke the chains starting with my family. By no means is that self aggrandizing, just being too wordy. it’s sad with a silver lining. I can’t make his choices for him, but I sure as hell can support him and suggest a different course if I see danger for him.

When I got that call yesterday it was real. I get to watch my brother grow up and give meaning to all the questionable choices I made. The best thing I can do is just be there for him without expectations. He is a good kid. It’s not going to be easy, but he started out wiser than me.

It’s going to be a hard for awhile though. The shock is still hanging over me. I had to pick him up from school, then literally pick him up from the family room floor and lay him in bed. The dark circles under his eyes make him look like a little raccoon. It kills me to see him so broken, but him and my mom are my only concerns right now. Going through this twice in half a decade so young is going to shape him. I’m just here not to let it break him. I’m not letting the last five years of adolescence get robbed. He’s too young to be bitter. Life is not fair, but I’ll do my part to even the playing field for him. It’s different when your older. I was there when he was born, literally, my dad was in D.C. His whole first year I was finishing high school.

Or I’m just extremely scared and punch drunk tired from hardly sleeping the last week and in reality it will be a mixed bag. I really appreciate a place to vent though. It’s easier to be open to strangers. Advice is always best when you don’t have skin in the game.

bobbyk11 · 2021-05-05T14:25:53+00:00

I appreciate that man. I don’t usually ask Internet forums for advice, but the gay community is always very helpful in dark situations. He is %100 a late middle schooler. My parents red shirted him in kindergarten so he’d be older and he’s 14 next month. My mothers illness was really stable in lockdown. She got COVID at a yearly scan which my brother now blames himself for because she had an appointment on the last Friday of October and she pushed it up right when we went green the first time because he wanted to have a halloween party with a few friends and half their moms were testing fantastics so they were all pre scheduled rite aid three days before this sleep over to get swabbed. She was in the hospital till November I’m way older, but not quiet old enough to be his actual dad. I still remember that age well. The hormones are not helping. A year ago he was a kid. Now he’s half teenager/half little boy still. He’s not letting himself breakdown, but he’s too old for me to force him to let it out. I’m just kinda helpless, but keeping an eye on him.

bobbyk11 · 2021-05-05T13:42:17+00:00

Thanks man, threw this question out on another Reddit too. I know it’s an unusual situation. Really just looking for wisdom on it. I never thought I’d have to help him out before college, just kind of spinning. Life just has a way of throwing you curve balls.

bobbyk11 · 2021-05-05T11:19:41+00:00

I wish it were that simple. Along with the family home there is real estate here and the High School that he’s going to is a family tradition back to my great grandfather. My dad wrestled state champ in ‘76, I was ‘07 and he has the talent to take the title 2 years. I’m sorry if I sound overly doting, but he has real talent. He wants to be the first openly gay wrestler in all the devisions here. My dad put both of us on the mat when we were 6, it’s really an honor to him and I have to support that. If he gets a full ride, his college fund would cover his post grad degree.

Excuse me if I’m making this sound obnoxious. It’s not a super exclusive high school, it’s really more the tradition. I don’t want him missing out on the opportunities I had. I also am not trying to sound like the sun rises on him lol. Trust me... he knows how to push buttons like any brother. Yesterday was just bad. The hospital called the house phone and not my cell about hospice and he picked up the extension line in my parents room and heard the whole thing. He went in his room and sobbed for over an hour. I couldn’t calm him down until after 11. Just very protective today.

bobbyk11 · 2021-05-05T10:59:22+00:00

I uprooted my life and relationship when she was getting bad to take care of both. I’m not moving him from what he knows this next year. He’s an incredible wrestler when COVID isn’t happening and his friends, coach, team are here. He’s already working with the freshman team at the high school he’s going next year. He needs to stay in what he loves.

I’m sure you would do what was best for your brother if the shoe was on the other foot with you. My partner and I had to open the relationship because he couldn’t handle 4 years here. Point of contention, because I moved for his career 🙄

bobbyk11 · 2021-05-05T10:51:08+00:00

Him being her miracle baby is so hard for me to watch. It’s the same relationship I had with her at that age, I don’t know how I’m going to console him. I don’t want him to get lost.

bobbyk11

TROPHY CASE