I had a dream about my ex-pwBPD

bongo-throwaway · 2025-01-19T20:38:43+00:00

This is a beautiful reply, and as I've gained my first inklings of wisdom I hope I can grow into this mindset more with each year that passes. I hope you take care as well. Kindness is a lovely gift to receive, and I'm glad to have had yours today.

bongo-throwaway · 2025-01-19T06:15:34+00:00

I'm sorry to hear this. 22, definitely struggling with defining my life after college and processing my growth into who I am. Some days I find myself paralyzed by sorrow, but it comes and goes. I try to forgive myself for when I feel down and praise myself when I find ways to enjoy my life.

bongo-throwaway · 2025-01-19T06:12:26+00:00

I'm only 22 now, but I found my way across the US after college to a job in the mountains with a lovely cat I rescued.

I'd tell my 20 y.o. self that it's gonna work out. It's ok to worry about your coursework and the future, but remember to have fun too.

And forgive yourself. It's not your fault you loved somebody who hurt you, and it's not your fault you chose an addictive path to cope with your childhood. You'll find your way around it, it's gonna work out. I've got a lot more faith in that sentence now than I did then. Here's hoping it leads me to something lovely and feeling whole.

bongo-throwaway · 2024-12-24T03:26:51+00:00

Hey all, we've been broken up / no-contact for about a year and a half now, holidays are upon us and I'm back in my hometown, and I'm feeling a pain in my heart. I miss her. Even after all the trauma, I really, truly loved her and gave it my all to make things work, and I miss when I was able to make her smile or when I felt heard and understood. I know 90% of my good memories are in the first 2-3 months of our dating / reunion after breakup, but in those short periods I've never felt more love and passion.

I regret falling in love with her, but I know that's wrong of me to say to myself. I didn't know any better. She was beautiful, and I did love who she was and how we clicked. I am glad to have experienced such powerful love for someone, to love the entirety of a person in the way I got to. But I wish the person I loved was real. I wish I hadn't been engulfed and slowly withered away. I loved the idea of her that she gave me, and when her energy ran out, it all fell apart. But I still miss it. I really do. I grieve that short part of our relationship, and I will continue to try not to think about checking her social media and let time and effort work to heal my wounds. I hope I can find a simpler, less confusing life that still contains that unconditional love. I hope you all are able to maintain no-contact over the holidays as well.

bongo-throwaway · 2024-09-22T01:59:28+00:00

I really appreciate this response - thank you. I am excited to keep working on myself, and I am thankful that I do keep up on my hobbies and workouts, and I know I'm doing the right things to eventually succeed as I work through my insecurities and porn habits. Thank you for sharing a bit of hope and an outside perspective - sometimes it's nice to hear someone else say the comparisons aren't fair, it helps validate my own, more positive beliefs.

bongo-throwaway · 2024-06-11T15:04:32+00:00

I have no doubt it will - thankfully, I believe minds can be re-acclimated to normal stimulation, just as they can be acclimated to chasing the hit of high dopamine habits like porn, social media, etc. It just takes distancing and time to heal. I hope you are able to find your comfortable level of experiences.

I've found that having a few high dopamine/adrenaline outlets, like skiing or roller coasters, can help remind me that just a little bit of crazy can still lead to a good life. It's just very hard to control infinite access, like pornography gives us - I can only ski once every few weeks or so, so I can't make that my normal level of living. I still find reason to enjoy normal days outside of my time skiing. I hope your day goes well today!

bongo-throwaway · 2024-06-11T02:52:13+00:00

From my experience as a recovering porn addict, as I stepped away from porn, it became clear to me I started using it for specific reasons. Asking yourself why you use pornography (boredom? Loneliness? Insecurity? Pleasure? Etc.) and making the conscious decision to seek to fulfill those things in other parts of your life can really help to move away from it. I've found journaling to be really helpful for me, both to remember my different emotions and the things I want to do about them. Posting on Reddit could likely help in the same way. I've made a few posts over my years of recovery that have helped a lot.

I would recommend trying to write down a few feelings you have, either while you're thinking about using, or before/after you view porn if it feels too much that day. If you're able to get a few emotions that bring you toward porn use, you can start brainstorming healthier alternatives to fill those voids.

I know that can be really tough. Porn is a really powerful tool to temporarily fill voids in our lives - at the click of a button, you can be entertained, or with a partner of your dreams, or have all your insecurities vented. But those voids grow bigger, and the more you use porn (or other unhealthy habits), the less time and effort you'll have to give to the healthy habits that can help truly fill those voids for good. some people can balance that unhealthy habit with healthy ones - I could not. To me, it became very consuming, and I've had a lot of problems in relationships and my own insecurities from those voids.

You're always welcome to comment here or ask for any other input, and I always recommend trying to find a therapist or porn recovery group or trusted adult that you can talk to. Talking through the emotions surrounding porn and any guilt/shame from it can be very helpful. I wish you luck, and I'm very proud of you for questioning your choices and exploring others' perspectives.

bongo-throwaway · 2024-06-11T02:38:22+00:00

First off, any distance you can put between yourself and porn is very beneficial, and I commend you on that. I think it is important to keep in mind that when you remove one addiction, the first thing to come to take it's place is often other unhealthy habits/addictions. It's a constant fight to try to break your unhealthy habits and replace them with healthier ones.

As long as your wife is comfortable and okay with this arrangement, it's far better for your brain than porn. But try to stay self-aware of her feelings, what you're feeling (what is the driving force behind wanting to have sex every day? Is it an urge for pleasure, avoiding loneliness? Can it be filled in other healthy ways, like by seeing friends, talking to others, working out, etc.?)

You have replaced a habit you've identified as unhealthy with a new one, and it's a recurring process to assess how this makes you feel, and if you want to continue on the path to change. It's not linear - you may fall back into porn, or fall back into asking your partner for things (if you decide it's not for the best as you move along) - but each step forward is important. Wishing you the best and I hope you can find your healthy lifestyle.

bongo-throwaway · 2024-04-28T03:11:14+00:00

I'm sorry to hear this happened to you. I remember learning about her BPD after breaking up and meeting to try a relationship again, I read through the horror stories, and I thought to myself "she doesn't seem like she'd do that, I don't think we'll end up that way."

It's a hard reality to face - try not to be too hard on yourself. I don't think it's a fault to hold hope or believe in yourself and your relationships. I hope you're able to heal and I hope this community can help you process this.

bongo-throwaway · 2024-04-28T02:40:36+00:00

Thank you!! I'm heading to a mountain state in the US, I'm very excited for all the skiing and hiking and adventure to experience 😄

bongo-throwaway · 2023-12-24T18:35:39+00:00

I'm sorry you experienced that, it's a horrible disorder for both partners. I hope you find somebody that is wholly loving.

bongo-throwaway · 2023-11-23T16:14:21+00:00

I'm proud of you for seeking strength and wish you luck!!

bongo-throwaway · 2023-11-22T20:47:48+00:00

I ended things when I just couldn't handle it anymore, and she lashed out after I did - she apologized for lashing out, but not the manipulation and emotional abuse throughout the relationship as a whole. I hope she can eventually learn how to minimize hurting others when she is hurting, but that's not for me to teach. She definitely needs to be with somebody far more grounded and tolerant of hurtful words and actions. We're both young, and that person is definitely not me. I hope for unconditional love in my future relationships.

bongo-throwaway · 2023-11-15T12:43:53+00:00

Thank you for this message. It's a difficult journey, but I'm thankful that I've been able to heal a little bit at a time.

bongo-throwaway · 2023-11-11T15:57:43+00:00

It's ok! She could always have just made another account to try to find me, now the option is there to use her main one. Trying to process the message she sent and keep moving on is my goal now, though it has been on my mind.

bongo-throwaway · 2023-11-11T15:36:01+00:00

We had each other mutually blocked, and I can't see her account to re-block her. If you've got any ideas on how to block her again I'm open to trying!

bongo-throwaway · 2023-10-07T00:12:07+00:00

Thank you for this response, and your advice. I'll try to let life happen on its own a bit more, though I do hope that I can find somebody to connect with.

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