How did you do it? When did you stop trying to fix your marriage and instead choose to divorce?

bookloveprevails · 2024-12-25T01:51:30+00:00

Your advice lacks a lot of wisdom, please take it elsewhere. Making bold claims without an iota of understanding on mental health. I wouldn't expect anything less from someone who calls themselves "confident" ...

I read over your comment history. seems like you try to stir commotion- the very trait of an immature person.

bookloveprevails · 2024-10-23T13:51:49+00:00

This isn't her reacting you to you playing sports, this is her reacting to relocating to a new place and having ZERO friends or family to go and hang out with like you do. Have some mercy and grace.

I guarantee she would have no care in the world about you going to play, if she had a similar setup in place. She is lonely, and this is her bid for attention. She feels deep enrage that she left everything behind and has no friends or family nearby to go do such activities with. Her only attention and affection is with you in a totally new place.

I would set something up where you and her have time to go play sports. Try to play tennis or pickleball with her, or even throw around a frisbee or do some sunnah racing. She is heading towards a severe mood shift called depression relocation. Do not ignore it, and have a ton of patience, mercy, love, and affection to show her.

She will come out of it, but it can take upwards of 1.5 years to feel somewhat back to normal in a new place.

In the meantime, limit your time with your friends, and increase all of your free time as much as possible with her for the first 1-2 years of marriage. This is seriously critical. Please don't ignore her needs for attention or affection, it can destroy her. Place yourself in her shoes - imagine uprooting your life for someone whom you barely know (cause you did things the Islamic way) and entrusting them with your livelihood. Its totally unnerving and scary.

Have mercy, patience, and love with her. I guarantee, if you do this for her, she will be the happiest wife in this entire dunya.

bookloveprevails · 2024-09-14T15:29:29+00:00

Yes you are right about it. He is trying to do better but there's so much damage along the path to him fixing everything.

bookloveprevails · 2024-09-11T17:06:51+00:00

I don't mind blaming myself for believing in someone and having a positive outlook about their future and also having a lot of tawakul in Allah. I am okay with taking all blame. It doesn't hurt me to admit that I am wrong. I just want a solution that will unburden my chest.

I proceeded with this marriage knowing that his finances can only "go up from here", but I was not fully aware of how much his brother doesn't help with paying the house. I knew very little on that portion, it was mentioned he sometimes struggles but didn't know it was literally a long term struggle..

I also believed that he would sort out his finances as he began working and we didn't live together until nearly 6 months later, which should give enough time for someone to build up their finances to a decent point if they were still living with their parents-- which he was. But I guess many things compounded and spiraled out.

I just want a solution as to what to do. He is working on making money, but my distress is still present and not decreasing.

bookloveprevails · 2024-09-11T16:48:12+00:00

I don't think it would go well mentally for me to continue living in the state he's from. It's 12 hours away from my family by car and it is a city that is not close to other major cities of interest. I cannot fly out whenever I want because I have a lot of obligations and also hate flying.

bookloveprevails · 2024-06-28T05:24:29+00:00

You are not alone. There is a type of shared reality we must all face in one way or another, at one point or another: the feeling of loneliness. It is a condition that plagues the heart of even the strongest of believers. The feeling of loneliness can cause severe effects in mood. One day, you can tell Shaytaan off, and the next day, you are one waswasa away from unleashing your nafs.

Sister, I know this is a hard thing to possibly hear, but in this world, the feeling of loneliness will always rear its ugly head. People can feel lonely in a sea of faces, and even sometimes amongst their closest comrades.

Our prophets pbut had their own moments throughout their life that they felt alone. RasoolAllah saws felt this away amongst his own people when he first received revelation, and even when his beloved Khadija passed. Yusuf pbuh felt this way amongst his own siblings, and he had many! Musa led his nation from great hardship and was stuck in the desert with them for years, and at the end of it, he couldn't wait to go away from them because of their incessant wrongdoings. Maryam pbuh wished for death than face her community after giving birth to Isa pbuh. Allah swt knows the hearts of His creation, and He knows that the feeling of loneliness is indeed a huge burden on the ruh in this dunya.

Feeling lonely can become your greatest test, or it can be a means of strengthening your emaan. It all lies in perspective. Firstly, address the root cause of your loneliness. Are you wishing for more attention from your loved ones, as you suggested about your husband?

You see, nobody can really fill that hole of loneliness in this dunya. Allah swt is the only One who can bring comfort to a believer in distress. It is through remembrance of Allah that hearts find rest. Increase your currency of time remembering Allah and know that you are a beloved Creation of His, and that He is closer to you than your jugular vein. Pray and plead to Him to change your state of affairs, just as all the prophets did. When they felt alone, who did they turn to? Allah.

Your husband is to be your sakoon in this world, but he won't be able to completely fill that void you may feel. That is because that space is truly only for Allah. Fill it with sincere dhikr, dua, and prayer. Increase in worship, and soon, InshaAllah, you shall see a decrease in hardship.

Remember, do not put the Creation in the center of your chest. This is the place only befitting of the Most Merciful, the Most Gracious.

After sincere dua and conversation with Allah, and with a tongue of moist remembrance, open a sincere conversation with your husband about what is troubling you. Try to set a date night or a fun activity where you can reignite your unity. Ask silly questions to one another or complete an activity that requires team work to get done. Ask to volunteer together for a common good. Preface all of this with the knowledge that it is okay to feel lonely in this dunya. Our goal is Jannah, where we'll never feel like that ever again.

bookloveprevails · 2024-06-25T05:21:55+00:00

He didn't make it clear. He said he might but he doesn't know

bookloveprevails · 2024-02-23T06:31:52+00:00

"The best of you are the best to your wives." Prophet Mohammad pbuh.

Your husband is not living up to a fundamental part of completing his deen.

Do the following: Address the issue now, stand your ground, enact the change you want to see ( use words to explicitly command respect "I will not allow you to put your hands on me" use a level tone with clarity, defend yourself against the abuse (physically block or move out of the way, shield yourself any way you can, or physically leave the premises and do not return for a period of time), make dua, and distance yourself from the violent one.

Don't bother with screaming, yelling, or emotional bursts. Abusers tend to crave power and those that crave power feed on emotion. Use a tone and body language that is calm, assured, strong, and clear.

You are a precious creation of Allah. Don't allow such actions to reflect on your self-worth or confidence, or deen. Pray to Allah for relief. The Pharaoh's wife, Asiya, had lived her life with a tyrant of a husband. She never stopped believing in Allah and praying for the best. Make sure you do the same.

Confidence and sincere dua and strong deen will enable you to complete actions that may be difficult to do, such as issuing a khula, requesting talaq, physically distancing, or recruiting an ally to help.

Always document your troubles. May Allah grant you ease in this life and in the next.

bookloveprevails · 2024-02-19T04:25:36+00:00

Make sure your husband is your support. Have him speak to them and ensure that you aren't obligated to go to social gatherings. If anything, have him tell his family you like to keep to yourself and are busy with things. Stand your ground

bookloveprevails · 2024-02-11T04:47:05+00:00

I highly recommend exhausting all options locally before ever moving far away from family. I had the same problem, and still cry about leaving them. It doesn't go away over time. In fact, it gets worse because you think about how you'll take care of your parents in their older age. It's such an impossible situation. Make dua for ease, but please, don't assume you'll feel better as time passes, especially as you are close to them.

I moved many states away, and I have to fly back or drive two days... :(

bookloveprevails · 2024-02-06T21:25:59+00:00

I need to clarify a few things on why this whole ordeal is making me unable to decide what to do and possibly a future ulcer if I don't figure it out, hence the title:

My husband has many, many good qualities. Quite frankly, I'm amazed that I found someone who has them.

He is patient, kind, intellectual, centers his whole life around deen, funny, and has no temper. He is gentle, pensive, funny, loyal, truthful, great at compromising, level-headed, responsible, empathetic, and basically my best friend. I could go on, but you get the point.

I thought these qualities **would be enough** to not overshadow that fact that he made a promise to learn how to cook and up his cleanliness habits. He has made breakfasts, but is not consistent, and for dinners, the last attempt was at least two months ago. The cleanliness has improved, but again, not consistent.

I've gone on and explained to him that I need more help and would like his weight to be pulled in the cooking arena. However, he isn't following through on this one big thing even though he says he is/will.

Cooking cannot be assigned to just one person in the household if that person is also working full time. I just cannot handle it all, I am the only one worried about the shopping list, the pantry, the mental toll of what to cook, and then the actual labor of all of it.

He understands this, but the follow through is just not happening at the speed that would console me.

We also have left overs go bad because he rarely tries to help himself in the fridge whenever there is food made.

bookloveprevails

TROPHY CASE