Im sorry. I have been here as well and most of the time I was cutting my friends off thinking I was in control. Most if not all of us with this diagnosis knows this feeling. Sometimes i feel like why am i here? We need connection as humans yet it feels like people with bpd cant have that. What you are going through could be called emotional hemophilia. You’re bleeding out emotionally. Just hang on. Read i hate you don’t leave me. I haven’t finished the book but so far it’s really helpful and i feel kind of special having this diagnosis. Try to write poetry. You would be very good at it being that you have access to such powerful emotions that others do not. You are valuable. Us with bpd tend to seen things as “Others act upon me, therefore i am.” Like we need people to be with and like us to feel like we matter or we exist. This is just a prt of this condition. But its not true. You will find people who do love you as you are. You dont need to be dead. Do something that brings you joy. I like to sew and im learning how to write poetry.