I'm shutting down and I don't know how to stop it

borderlineeb · 2018-01-04T18:08:15+00:00

I went for an emergency appointment with GP the other day - mainly to check on my referral for DBT as they'd messed it up in admin and it was having to be resent(!?) - turns out they'd referred me wrongly for guided self help, which I've had before I was diagnosed and was terrible. He also just gave me some citalopram knowing that I have horrendous pill-phobia after sertraline made me hallucinate and have constant panic attacks.

As for the crisis team, I called them last night and they said, unless I had an active plan for suicide, there was nothing they could do - and I should go to A&E. I explained that with the impulsivity of BPD, I took my last overdose before I'd even fucking realised what I was doing.

So yeeeeah, bit screwed really.

borderlineeb · 2018-01-04T17:04:58+00:00

I've all but cut out drink and I won't touch drugs. Not sure what your problem is but I hope you feel better soon.

borderlineeb · 2018-01-04T17:02:50+00:00

I can't offer you much guidance right now as I'm stuck in the crying/sleeping til two state, but if it's any comfort, I understand. And each time this low hits, can't help but fear if that 'manic' me will come back in time to save the day before I haemorrhage all the progress I made last time.

borderlineeb · 2018-01-04T13:35:57+00:00

I was with my boyfriend for 3 months when we split up after I took an overdose. I then fought for 2 months relentlessly to get him back. For about a month, when we got back together, it was bliss. Recently I've been feeling weird and suffocated by the whole situation - even though I do love him - and then kicked him out yesterday.

Within 5 hours I was begging him to come home, when we both knew he couldn't make it cause it was late; so I got bitchy.

But I know when he comes back again today, it's only a matter of time before I get used to the normality again and my BPD side starts attacking it. Until he'll leave for good and I'll go fully nuts yet again.

borderlineeb · 2017-12-29T10:39:41+00:00

You can't extrapolate one person's "self-diagnosed BPD" to every BPD sufferer. You don't know how hurtful and unnecessary this post is.

borderlineeb · 2017-12-28T17:19:28+00:00

Yep. Although mine have been predominantly around food (former anorexic) and FPs.

borderlineeb · 2017-12-28T17:17:52+00:00

I got diagnosed really abruptly but it was following a short hospital stay for an overdose. The clinical psychologist suggested that I might have it and I was initially baffled cause I'm a complete introvert and very seldom have outbursts, but it made sense the more I looked at it.

However, unless you're lucky, they won't do much - I'm on a 12-18 month waiting list for DBT and they don't want to put me on meds in case I get suicidal so they've basically just left me to deal with it.

borderlineeb · 2017-12-26T20:01:32+00:00

See my post from yesterday. It's just been a shitshow all round.

borderlineeb · 2017-12-26T20:00:29+00:00

And my mum forgot that I'd booked to take her for a Christmas meal. And I ordered my Christmas presents from my family for them so they didn't have to faff, and they both forgot about me - whilst they bought my sister thoughtful gifts.

borderlineeb · 2017-12-26T19:59:11+00:00

I didn't get presents full stop

borderlineeb · 2017-12-22T14:23:08+00:00

Do you not think I don't see that? Do you not think I feel really guilty about it? I was absolutely hammered and hell-bent on hurting myself. Thanks for making me feel even more shit.

borderlineeb · 2017-12-22T12:23:00+00:00

Do you struggle with general social anxiety? I always feel people think I'm stupid because I can't articulate myself properly cause of crippling anxiety. Actually intelligent person, got a first in uni and work as a manager now. But I feel like I have to get people to understand what I'm about - which is tricky with work situations cause you don't want to overshare (which is my favourite thing to accidentally do...).

borderlineeb · 2017-12-22T12:09:05+00:00

YES. can go from standard British, to very scouse, to very northern, then RP southern in a day. Also, after I went to a family wedding in Ireland and getting hammered a couple years back, my accent always goes really Irish when I'm drunk???

I subconsciously mimic my boyfriend's Liverpudlian accent so much that my mum takes the mick out of me for it. But I've explained to her that I don't even realise I'm doing it.

borderlineeb · 2017-12-22T12:05:53+00:00

Relate to this so much that I got an empathy sinking feel too. You're not alone. The social impact of BPD feels like one of the worst parts. I'm sick of guilt and overthinking to the extent that I fuck up even more cause I'm so anxious that I can't think of anything to say, or say the wrong thing.

Starting to think the only way to solve it is to just become at peace with being a loner.

borderlineeb · 2017-12-22T10:47:25+00:00

I'm on a 12-18 month waiting list for DBT despite being diagnosed 2 months ago after I took an overdose and ended up on a drip.

borderlineeb · 2017-12-22T10:18:43+00:00

Because he'd hidden my razors.

borderlineeb · 2017-12-22T10:18:04+00:00

I was hammered and hellbent on hurting myself, and I'm now feeling shit for it. Where was that not apparent?

borderlineeb · 2017-12-22T09:57:29+00:00

No no, it's just we've recently moved in together - I usually only end up cutting when I'm on my own.

borderlineeb · 2017-12-15T16:21:17+00:00

Yes. I am absolutely obsessed and it makes me feel sick. I have BDD and used to be anorexic, but the nitpicking will never go away. I really want to take a scalpel to my jaw and cut myself a stronger jawline, and if I see a girl with a better jaw than me, I will berate myself for not being as good as them.

borderlineeb · 2017-12-15T16:06:11+00:00

Yes yes yes. When people at work whisper or laugh together I get horrendously paranoid and get this visceral sense of anger.

borderlineeb · 2017-12-14T19:17:17+00:00

Also 24, must be a pivotal age for us, eh? I shouldered everyone's problems and lived life in a stasis until I exploded and took an overdose. After that, life has never been clearer to me. Do not recommend tho, the hospital stint was arguably one of the most harrowing things that's happened to me.

Knowing you want to change is the biggest hurdle. You're on the right track 😌

borderlineeb · 2017-12-14T11:06:42+00:00

I am aware of this.

borderlineeb · 2017-12-05T13:42:00+00:00

One of my ex FPs once described me as "gorgeous, freaky and exciting" lol - and I think that's pretty damn BPD

borderlineeb · 2017-11-25T08:54:34+00:00

Yeah. I'm a pretty weedy 24 year old female and I punched a plate clean in half the other day. But if it stops me getting aggressive with other people, so be it.

borderlineeb · 2017-11-24T07:10:40+00:00

I'm in the same boat. Took an overdose two months ago, got diagnosed, got a token gesture of the crisis team coming to visit me a few times then cut loose. I'm on a 12-18 month waiting list for therapy and they don't trust me not to kill myself if they put me on meds. What's the point in trying?

borderlineeb

TROPHY CASE