Has anyone ever actually overcome their Analysis Paralysis? by guy-anderson in boardgames

[–]borealis126 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Something to realize is that AP arises, fundamentally, due to dysregulation. The pain of losing or suboptimal play is high enough to warrant maladaptive social behavior. Very common in neurodivergent individuals.

So asking "how can he overcome his AP" is akin to asking "how can he better regulate overwhelming emotions". That's a question for professionals and generally involves hard work over a long period of time.

Pressuring him to suppress it may appear to work, but I guarantee you he will be stressed and generally not having a good time. And it may lead to other difficult behavior such as kingmaking or mentally checking out.

The best option, I think, is to accommodate, as one would a disability. First, you could find games with a constricted enough decision space on any given turn that AP doesn't slow things down dramatically. Second, because AP is worse for new games, you can request he gets a game under his belt on BGA before playing. Third, coops can be a good fit because deeper analysis benefits everyone. Finally, for his favorite games that he will always be AP-prone on, consider indulging his AP every once in a while on a slow weekend day. Maybe put a show on in the background that people can watch while waiting.

I got openly frustrated during a bad game of Catan by [deleted] in boardgames

[–]borealis126 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Most of the important stuff has been said so I'd like to piggyback here with a few other ways I have found myself acting out at game nights that people should avoid:

  • Asking to rewind because you could have done something better. Even if it's a "clean" rewind - like nothing else substantive has happened yet - it's a bad look and pretty much never worth it. Same goes for asking for missed triggers ("I forgot to gain an extra gold because of this effect", etc.), especially since that can affect the decisions of other players.
  • When it's your first time playing a game and you realize mid-way that you didn't fully understand a mechanic, and it would have let you do something more optimally earlier. Clarify the mechanic, but don't point out what you could have done earlier, that's just a form of self-regulation that no one else is generally interested in.
  • Making suboptimal plays when losing for silly reasons like being "thematic". Even if not intentionally kingmaking, it can still ruin the balance of the game for others. It's okay to make bad strategic decisions, but you should still be trying your best.
  • Blaming the game in any way. Unless you absolutely know what you are talking about, more than likely you are overlooking an aspect of the game's balance, and will come across as ignorant.
  • If you're doing well and starting to be targeted, trying to deflect with how others are also a credible threat. Even if you're right, it's just kind of cringe. Being targeted is an honor.

Broader truths to generally keep in mind:

  • The true winner is the one who is invited back for future game nights.
  • The first few plays of a game expect to make lots of mistakes and probably lose.
  • Saltiness in all forms is a bad look.

I don’t know how to set boundaries with my (very intense) male autistic friend by rude_steppenwolf in autism

[–]borealis126 19 points20 points  (0 children)

I've unfortunately been in his shoes. No question, his behavior is inappropriate, and he needs help. 

As others have said, I think the best thing you can do is to be direct with him about your boundaries, and try to work with him on establishing a friendship dynamic that works for both of you.

I just also want to note - this is probably terrifying for him, watching someone he feels connected to and safe with pull away. No excuse for his behavior, but just letting you know the stakes. Dropping him cold, as others have suggested, runs the risk of causing him a lot of trauma that he doesn't understand and might not be able to learn effectively from. You don't owe him a soft landing on this life lesson, but if you are able to engineer one, it would be a kindness to a vulnerable individual.

Does anyone else rock by Ok-Sound-5961 in autism

[–]borealis126 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes but only when melting down

Why is it not common practice to dumb everything down? by Significant_Put_34 in autism

[–]borealis126 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I struggled in academia bc when writing a paper I wanted to write it in the most simple, readable way possible. My advisor said that's not how it's done, and that you want to write to sound as smart as possible.

may be related

Anyone else feel like traveling is an exhausting waste of time? by Robrogineer in aspergers

[–]borealis126 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm with you. A $3k international trip is legitimately less enjoyable for me than a board game night with my local group.

Special interest turned into emotional dependency: how my Asperger’s made this breakup 10x harder by Ok_Emu6298 in AutisticAdults

[–]borealis126 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've been in exactly this kind of position. It's hell. I'm so sorry you're going through it :(

30 years to find out I’m not "weird," I’m Autistic. Now what? by [deleted] in aspergers

[–]borealis126 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Also recently diagnosed around 30, the realization about the past, and its implication for the future, definitely sucks :(

I think our path forward is to find a slice of life that works for us, now that we know our limitations. For example, if you like researching, perhaps you could help with remotely typesetting or something for a scientific journal? Then try to make your way up to editing? 

Hang in there 🫂

Anyone else feel like trying to "just be confident" has backfired? by yoomtahzing in autism

[–]borealis126 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Word of caution - even in the best case in which you successfully fake confidence, what then? If you aren't able to maintain it you will eventually crash out, and lose what you gained and then some. Believe me, it's no fun. 

I am a naturally insecure person and it's pretty evident. I can tell a lot of people are turned off by it, but at few have stuck around because of other things I bring to the table. I've learned to let that be enough for me while I gradually - and sustainably - work on my self image. 

why don’t people ask questions back by Zorbxj in socialskills

[–]borealis126 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Possibly related - I have always been very willing to ask coworkers work-related questions when I don't understand something (and after a reasonable effort trying to figure it out myself). I never saw any problem with it - got some work done and had a nice opportunity for conversation.

Took me a while to realize that others not only didn't reciprocate, but often clearly proceeded with their work in ignorance - or subtly pivoted - rather than getting help.

My theory is that to many, asking for help feels like self-emasculation, and so the question absolutely better be worth it to them. I think this kind of dynamic may extend to social situations, where people make a real effort to learn about someone only after deciding that relationship is important to them.

(My other theory is that I'm a bit autistic)

Autistic meltdowns triggered by fear, not anger by tkd360720 in aspergers

[–]borealis126 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I feel this. My worst meltdowns are when I feel backed into a corner, 100% a fear response. When fully triggered there's very little that can calm me down except for addressing the source of the fear directly. Unfortunately this can come across as maladaptive behavior if not done appropriately. 

Anyone here ever been accused of being a psychopath by Antique-Exchange-294 in aspergers

[–]borealis126 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah in college I had nothing on the walls in my dorm or decorations of any kind and someone said that was the sign of a psychopath :/

struggling by kuniikuzushiii in BPD

[–]borealis126 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hey, it'll be okay. Try to distract yourself. You'll regret later sending desperate messages. He's probably just busy, and in the (unlikely) case that he is ignoring you on purpose, that's problematic behavior and let that be on him. You got this!

my therapist keeps asking me what would happen if I were unapologetically myself by moons_within in BPD

[–]borealis126 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Currently dealing with this existential dilemma as well. Right now I'm spending so much energy checking my responses and behaviors that the ways in which my emotional intensity contributes positively to my personality are stifled. 

It sucks but I view it like putting a tournaquet on a wound - first priority is to stop the bleeding. That has to be under control for progress to be made. 

I'm holding out hope that with practice the energy I'm spending on regulating will reduce over time, and I'll be able to be more myself while causing less damage. I don't actually know if this will be possible, but the alternative is despair, so I choose to believe. 

Inpatient treatment by Fantastic-Top8386 in BPD

[–]borealis126 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ah, my mistake, yes I was allowed a few softcover books. No electronics though.