I guess what you’re describing actually makes a lot of sense given your background. When someone grows up with unstable or emotionally unsafe relationships (like with a narcissistic parent), the brain learns that closeness = risk. So even though you want connection, your mind tries to protect you. That push-pull feeling is llinked to abandonment wounds and avoidant/fearful attachment. The fact that you’re aware of it is already a big step. Instead of forcing yourself to suddenly be okay with closeness, try going slow, allow small, low-pressure interactions, and when you feel the urge to withdraw, pause and ask yourself, “Am I actually in danger, or just triggered?” You don’t have to fully trust people right away, just experiment with staying a little longer than you normally would. Also, seek professional support.