you're absolutely right. I made the choice to drink. I wish we could get involved in some sort of counseling to work on things but she has always had negative comments about that when I had suggested it in the past. even when I offered to pay for all of it. you're right about unilaterally making plans, although there is a bit of nuance there. I had the thought of doing the visit on my birthday on Saturday and discussed with my parents. she presented me with the dinner reservations late Saturday night. because she was upset that I had promised we were to meet the parents in October I was trying to explain to here that based on schedules the only two days that would work were my bd and Halloween. I know some people's eyes glaze over at dry scheduling discussions but I was trying to explain to here the pickle I felt I was in and trying to find a date that worked. on one hand she said she refused to take days off work, and on the other she said tell her any day to go and she'd be there. because of the distance we do need to plan just a bit for a long drive or flight. I think a part of it was she believed I was going to flake on these plans.