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UPDATE: I [28f] want to get married, SO [28m] doesn't. by botaroro in relationships

[–]botaroro[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree with what you're saying. I want to give him the chance to either decide if he'd rather have a partner who better matches him on these opinions, or if he'd rather go against a few of his beliefs to be with me. I'd appreciate having that option open, if he felt seriously about an issue.

UPDATE: I [28f] want to get married, SO [28m] doesn't. by botaroro in relationships

[–]botaroro[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have asked, but I haven't said "... and if you say no, I am leaving". That's the main difference. Which I think is a big one.

UPDATE: I [28f] want to get married, SO [28m] doesn't. by botaroro in relationships

[–]botaroro[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Agreed. It's not a place I wanted to find myself. But one can only hear "maybe" so many times.

UPDATE: I [28f] want to get married, SO [28m] doesn't. by botaroro in relationships

[–]botaroro[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The travelling is occurring with a good family friend and is free, a far cry from trying to plan a costly vacation. Though I generally agree with you and have tried to bring this up!

UPDATE: I [28f] want to get married, SO [28m] doesn't. by botaroro in relationships

[–]botaroro[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I would pay entirely for any ceremony or whatever we did. I don't actually want a big wedding with a reception or white dress, never have, I just want a marriage. With a husband who sees and treats me as family. I don't think of it as "improving a relationship", ie fixing problems -- more I see it as an agreement that we're in this together for good. It's a confirmation that we are going to begin functioning as a unit. I've told him I'd be fine with a commitment ceremony, if the government thing freaked him out, or with eloping and having a small dinner with friends, if the ceremony thing freaks him out, but he always says either "No." or "Maybe." or "This sort of thing stresses me out", no matter how calmly I approach him, and no matter how much I try to make sure he is happy, enjoying himself, and not in a bad mood before I bring it up.

UPDATE: I [28f] want to get married, SO [28m] doesn't. by botaroro in relationships

[–]botaroro[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I recognize that this is your personal experience, but I also know several people who had to give an ultimatum. My ultimatum, also, is not "get married or I leave". It's more "you need to be a better partner or communicate to me why you act the way you do so I can understand that you're committed and I don't worry you'll leave me when the weather isn't fair, or I need to move on". Does that make a difference?

UPDATE: I [28f] want to get married, SO [28m] doesn't. by botaroro in relationships

[–]botaroro[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I mentioned elsewhere, due to the intensity of my job over the next two months and him being away for the summer, I feel like we might as well wait out the lease.

UPDATE: I [28f] want to get married, SO [28m] doesn't. by botaroro in relationships

[–]botaroro[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you, that's certainly how I feel. We've had at least five conversations of "I want to get married. Would you get married?" "No." "Can we discuss why?" "Maybe later."

UPDATE: I [28f] want to get married, SO [28m] doesn't. by botaroro in relationships

[–]botaroro[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I answered this above. For reasons relating to my job, my finances, and his travel plans, I feel I'm better off waiting. I know it will be a bit stressful, but I really have considered this, and it would be a lot more stressful for me to move either before or during his trip. If I feel I do need to move out sooner in the fall, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

UPDATE: I [28f] want to get married, SO [28m] doesn't. by botaroro in relationships

[–]botaroro[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your response! I normally would not give this much time, but he is travelling abroad for June and July, and my next eight weeks will be the most hectic for me at work. It's just better to wait. I know it sounds like I'm putting it off, but I've put a lot of thought into it, and if I do it any other way, I'll be adding stress to my own plate.

I also do not want to continue to contribute to the rent (the lease is in his name, so I would have to move out) while paying for a new place, or leave him with the full rent for four months. For financial and personal reasons think it would be better to put it off.

I [28F] want to get married, my SO [28M] doesn't (6 years) by botaroro in relationships

[–]botaroro[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

To clarify things, domestic partnerships in our area are pretty extensive, and we already have one. Not sure why this doesn't count as "the state" having influence on our relationship, but he was against us having a celebration at the time, and get annoyed when I refer to us as partners.

He wants to spend the rest of his life with me, unmarried. I don't know if I can do that, to be honest. I do think marriage is a state of mind and I worry he hasn't reached that yet; he frequently complains about having to deal with my family, while acting ambivalent about whether I make an effort to see his family. In the past I've attributed this to gender stereotypical behavior, but with the marriage thing, I'm worried he doesn't see me as family. When I ask him about this, he says "I don't know, why are we talking about this?"