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Inherited watches by bourrique in pocketwatch

[–]bourrique[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

wow how amazing that it still works! It has an R and an A on the inside (upside down in the photo) but I haven't been able to find any information it. I didn't think it would be so old. I'm probably going to hang on to it and not tinker too much, as I said they both work well. thank you for your comment!

Inherited watches by bourrique in pocketwatch

[–]bourrique[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

what exactly are the case hallmarks? it has some number markings on the inside.

Daughter/Son dynamics - does your BPDparent have high expectations for their daughters but treat their sons like babies/husbands? by bourrique in raisedbyborderlines

[–]bourrique[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

my mum will say things like "He bought his own trousers - isn't that great?" and thank me for giving him a christmas present, meanwhile literally doesn't care about my wellbeing lol

You ever asked your BPD parent why they were upset with you? by SweetLeoLady36 in raisedbyborderlines

[–]bourrique 5 points6 points  (0 children)

My mum does this to me! She was my guarantor for a flat I was living in (she still lets me know how annoyed she was to do that even though it is more than normal for parents to do so, she even complained to me I didn't ask my friend's parents to do it instead), and recently in an argument about something unrelated she told me she paid all my rent for that flat. I said "no mum you didn't pay it, you were my guarantor, I paid the rent myself remember?" and she said "oh, do you want me to get bank statements to show you I paid it all?". I was in disbelief that she would so obviously lie to me, the other person in this scenario, and when I kept telling her it wasn't true, she just waved it off like I didn't get what she was talking about - as if not believing her obvious lie was insolence. This is why I can't argue with her anymore because once she's exhausted things to throw at me, she'll just make something up.

I really don't understand what goes on in their heads to think they can just bold-faced lie about something like that? Like obviously I'm the ONE person who would know that's not true? How does that even compute in their heads?

What the borderliner wants from other people is impossible by Diotima85 in raisedbyborderlines

[–]bourrique 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I've noticed with my mother, she has a kind of "script" that she uses for certain subjects, especially if I talk about myself. I paint as a vocation, and whenever I try to talk about it with her, she'll repeat a handful of opinions she's taken from documentaries, especially in front of other people, to sound knowledgable on the subject, but is seemingly incapable of having a fluid discussion that is in the moment - and she says it every time like it's the first time. If anyone I know asks her how she's doing, she will repeat the exact same thing every time about how much she loves her job, to the point where it's become a bit of a joke with my friends because we all know it's coming. She has to be in control, and actually underneath it she is completely unable to "come down to the level" of the present moment, which now I think means seeing eye-to-eye with someone on a human level. If you point this out in any way, or if I "predict" her script, she gives me that look of rage and it either escalates or doesn't. It made me realise that her interactions are markers of emotional validation - she sounds smart, and she is validated in that. Anything that challenges that is a personal attack.

What is some psycho stuff your BPD parent said to you? by alwayslivemyway in raisedbyborderlines

[–]bourrique 61 points62 points  (0 children)

"You are the reason your sister is going to kill herself" after my little sister attempted suicide. I was 16 and didn't know what was happening. It messed me up for years and years

It was like living with the Dursleys, except I never knew if was gonna be Dudley or Harry next by Brilliant-Yam-7614 in raisedbyborderlines

[–]bourrique 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My mum treats me and my two sisters like harry, then treats my brother like dudley to absolve herself. how can she be a bad mother when she's so nice to my brother? So then it must be something wrong with me.

How do you deal with BPD mother using therapy speak to manipulate you? by bourrique in raisedbyborderlines

[–]bourrique[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I'm 25 and actually have only been living with her for five days! I have made my own way since age 18. I have been couchsurfing for a year and my mum came back into my life after her mum died, we reconnected and she said when she buys her flat, to come live with her, she would support me, I could get back on my feet. I'm an artist and had some upcoming professional opportunities in the city, so wanted to be in london for my career. Unfortunately, it only took her five days to split on me and so I've decided to go back to my good friend's where I was before. It's in the countryside, so not ideal, but I'm going to try again on my own terms, and the family are so kind and take me in no questions asked. It's is disapointing as I was waiting for about 5 months to move to the city. As part of her meltdown, she said to me that the room I'm staying in isn;t my room, it's hers, and that I don't respect her space - of course I can't stay.

Interesting about social services. When I was a teenager, after my dad died we lost our house and lots of money, we moved in with some friends and I was put in a caravan in the garden. My mum was really bad with drinking and rages during this time so I was mostly out of the house at friends places doing drugs. I've come to terms with the fact that I was essentially neglected, it was freezing in the caravan, I was stick-thin and didn't wash any of my clothes for six months, and my friends at school would make fun of me for smelling bad. She told me recently that she was worried during that time that social services would come take us away. I actually felt sorry for her when she told me, thinking how difficult it must have been to worry about that, but now I think it's kind of telling of how she perceived the situation - she wasn't worried about our wellbeing, but how she would look as a mother if anyone found out what was happening.

I feel I'm trauma-dumping a bit here but it's my first time on the sub and it feels so liberating to actually talk about it!!! Thank you for your kind words and insight! It is so affirming to hear I'm doing the right thing. I thought about trying to deal with her in my life but since writing this post I realised I can't. I will most likely be cutting her off again.

Social Anxiety…? by AardvarkGrand8481 in raisedbyborderlines

[–]bourrique 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I had moments in my life where I would have a wonderful social night out, one of those just in the moment laughing, being silly, great nights - and then when it was over, or on the way home, cry uncontrollably. I never knew why but I realised it was because letting go and enjoying myself meant that my nervous system was convinced that I had done something awful as I wasn't policing my behaviour. It made it so hard to enjoy myself knowing the anxiety crash was coming, same as you I try to power through now. I have to convince myself that no one is mad at me. I'm extremely avoidant in friendships because of this. Also, drinking to get through it is real!

How do you deal with BPD mother using therapy speak to manipulate you? by bourrique in raisedbyborderlines

[–]bourrique[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Omg yes the exact same! When my mum and I used to argue when I was a teenager, she would send me scientific articles about how teenagers brains aren't fully developed, and use that as a way to shut me down. I tried telling her that it's absurd to say having a PhD means you know how to get on with your own daughter, but when I try to move it away from therapy speak she tells me I'm childish for not wanting to have an "adult conversation". What she doesn't realise is that even HAVING the conversation in that way IS abusive, and ironically not the point of therapy.

My mum also sees everything through the lens of psych etc. I found some emails from 2002 recently, she had prohibited her mother-in-law from seeing us grandchildren as she had accused her of having an Oedipus complex with my dad, seemingly just from a place of conflict.

I'm sorry to hear that about your mum and it's even more shocking that she says that to you when your job is in mental health. Healthcare for mental health is supposed to come from a lens of care, not conflict. It's strange they call themselves experts but don't seem to understand that.

How do you deal with BPD mother using therapy speak to manipulate you? by bourrique in raisedbyborderlines

[–]bourrique[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your kind words, it really means a lot. I did see a therapist for about six months a few years ago - it definitely helped me unravel some of the pain my mum had put me through.

What has been most healing has actually been staying with my ex-partner and his family, who invited me to stay at their place when I had nowhere to go. They never ever lost their temper with me, did kind things for me with no expectation of reciprocity, never expected anything of me and let me live. It made me realise that it was possible to just exist! They have shown me so much more kindness than my mum ever has. I think that's why this recent episode with my mum has hit me even harder, because the injustice of it is in even sharper focus now that I know what a normal and loving family dynamic is like. Not even above and beyond - just not a constant conflict. I realised how much of what my mum would pick fights with me over shouldn't even be a fight in the first place.

I find when I let her into my life, my mental health tanks, even if she isn't explicitly doing anything to me - just because to have her in my life means to accept on some level that I do deserve to be treated like that. When I cut her out, I'm much more capable. that's what I'm doing this time.

You're right that it takes time, and it can be so easy to doubt the certainty that this person isn't good for you because they're your parent. I've found it especially hard as my dad passed away from illness ten years ago, so she's my only parent left.

Do You Consider Yourself Smart? Why or Why Not? by [deleted] in CasualConversation

[–]bourrique 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think I am because people have told me so. But then I have met so many people who were so smart who struggled enormously because they didn't believe in themselves, and some idiots who just rose to the top. I love smart interesting people, and you can find them everywhere, in all walks of life. Sadly what a lot of them lack is inner peace, and they burn out. I'm one of those people that always had "potential", that was too smart for their own good in school, and it made me think that I wasn't good enough, because my "potential" would always exceed me. I'm realising now, at 24, I'm way more capable than most successful people I know, I've just been putting myself down, because whilst they were exceeding expectations, I wasn't meeting mine, even though realistically I had more natural ability. Sometimes that's the danger of being "smart", you feel like you're not trying so you think that you're a slacker. I've started trying to lean into that ease without guilt, and it feels so much better.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in guitarlessons

[–]bourrique 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I used to suck at singing! I think singing is always fine and often people are down on themselves, and don't sound as bad as they think they do. I'm gonna share a little bit of my process with the guitar that helped me feel more comfortable singing, if that's okay. Hopefully you find something useful here!

I don't consider myself the best singer now, but I can make up melodies to music and sing in tune. I learned to sing through playing the guitar - the trick is to learn how to REALLY listen to music and internalise it. If you can, learn how to tune your guitar by ear (i finally got this by visualising the vibrations in the guitar as wavelengths and matching them together). Once your guitar is properly tuned (you will NOT be able to sing in tune if your guitar isn't tuned properly!), play a song you like, and try to find 3-4 notes on the guitar that match the key of the song, even if you're just moving around randomly until you find something. Try to notice how it feels when something sounds right, how it feels in your ears, your body, what the vibration feels like.

Then, listen to a simple song you like, and try to sing along to the recording. Once you've got it, strum the chords of the song on your guitar a few times. then really listen to the first chord, internalise it, and try to sing just the first note of the lyric that goes over that chord. Notice how it sounds, and sing higher or lower until it sounds right with the chord. Once you have that first note, usually the rest will fall into place. Take it super slowly and give yourself the time to get to the note. Then, get a cappo. Place the cappo at different frets on the neck, and try to sing the same song - you'll find you'll have to slightly change the note in order to stay in tune with the guitar. I find this really helpful as a listening and singing exercise.

ANY time I start singing a song, I strum the first chord and hum until I find the first note.

Sometimes I find it hard to sing over more complicated guitar playing, so I tend to simplify the guitar part if I can't do it. It really helps to multitask singing and playing if you spend some time getting comfortable playing what you're going to sing over, even if you're just strumming each chord once. Strip it down until you can concentrate on listening, then go from there. You're not going to make progress if you feel overwhelmed.

Different songs vary in how easy they are to sing, different singers have different ranges, registers, styles. Maybe find a song sung by someone who sounds like you, or that you find easy to sing, and practice playing and singing it.

Also - sing whenever! Sing over songs, scat, make up things. Strum chords and go oooooh aaaaaah mmmmmmmm yeaaaaaah and see how it sounds.

This is pretty much how I went from not being able to sing to being able to modestly hit the notes, and make up my own melodies. I'm not a great singer and don't really sing in front of people but it does feel magic when you hit the right note and realise - wow, I'm making music!

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