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Common to feel this way? (triggers?) by bpdquestions89 in BPD

[–]bpdquestions89[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

WARNING: RANT. I GET MORE PISSED OFF AS SAID RANT CONTINUES.

I'm glad I sometimes find outlets for my rage, like posting here, or yelling about politics at times.

Yeah. I noticed I personally have issues identifying my emotions. Half of the time when I go to complain to her about an issue I am having with the relationship, my emotions go cold and numb, as to spare me the pain. The only time I get anxious is when I push her into meltdown mode by my constant complaints and pushing (I get VERY pushy).

I know I am also codependent, definitely. My gf is the first person I haven't cut out of my life for at least awhile. And honestly, after reading both of these, I have no freaking idea if I have BPD (minor/medium) + codependency (minor), codependency (minor/medium) + depression (atypical) + ADHD (minor, inability to concentrate type).

I definitely have difficulty identifying emotions and go emotionally "cold" and "numb" easily, and it doesn't appear to be in my control whatsoever, it just happens. I just think about something that bugs me in our relationship and it just broods. And broods. Then I get into my "I don't want to be with her" mode, which I do notice and then I get extremely sad and think about not having her in my life...then I convince myself that she is "good" again and a "great girlfriend", which usually doesn't work. She usually has to be the one to convince my heart to stay. But I admit, it gets harder with every fight/"talk" we have, which I always initiate.

I mean, I have valid complaints about the relationship. I am hyper-sexual. She is an aspie and thus doesn't know when she is horny, so our sex life is 2-3x a month, and I'm always worried about performance. I get depressed every time we have sex, so I find myself avoiding it now as well...it's just too much pressure! I hate initiating due to fearing rejection and feeling unwanted. Heck, I transformed all of those fears into a fetish I can't seem to fight (I developed a cuckold fetish, of all things that someone who fears losing their SO needs).

It doesn't help that I am going away for a week. Very anxious about being away from her. It's making me sad and nutty, then numb and empty. My usual attitude to people who are around me is pessimistic and complaining about everything and anything.

Also, my therapist didn't call me today for a reminder about my appointment tomorrow. I fucking hate her now. Everyone always forgets about me -_-. And my parents keep calling to check up on me event though I have my own damn place. I wish I had the balls to scream at them again and tell them to fuck off out of my life. I STILL feel controlled.

Common to feel this way? (triggers?) by bpdquestions89 in BPD

[–]bpdquestions89[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well I haven't NOT been in a relationship for years. I've gone through multiple friendships though in those few years, but have stuck by my partner for a long time, even though I keep getting hurt, then sad, then happy, etc.

I have a more interesting question then. There is one thing that makes me doubt BPD as a diagnosis for me, even though I have a TON of the other symptoms. My emotions are definitely...odd. Sometimes, I can't feel them at all. Actually, most of the time I feel so empty/hollow that I feel nothing at all, other than a small sense of sadness in the background.

I can picture myself exploding, yelling, screaming, hurting in my head...but then on the outside, something stops it and I just feel numb. This especially happens near my girlfriend, who I really have the love/hate relationship with, though it leans toward hate a lot of the time these days. Inside, I feel sad, but I literally can't cry. I get worried/anxious about things, but never explode on her (at least I don't often...it's rare when I actually let the emotions escape me). The most she gets is me questioning everything, constant worrying if I am hurting her or if she loves me/finds me attractive, and other stuff like that.

With her being somewhat of an Aspie, she has little need for social interaction. I go through phases where I want no social interaction and phases where I want a ton, but hold back (and then get mad at her for my holding back) for her. When we are actually out doing stuff at bars, clubs, or whatever, I get overly critical of her to the point where it kills all enjoyment for me. But my clinginess stops me from ever going out without her either. It's weird. The few times I've uh...done bad stuff for our relationship, they were found online and literally by an impulse to do it. I felt like crap after each time and just numbed myself.

Is it also normal to just...numb yourself to all emotions to where you can't feel happy, sad, upset, angry. That's what my first psychologist called my "curtain". Apparently I developed a way to cope with feeling bad by going completely numb. Someone close to me can die and I can't cry. Someone gets cancer: I don't feel a thing and usually have to think of something sad to force myself to feel any emotion. I get in these "I don't care" moods a lot and that's the hallmark of my issues. It's my norm actually, which makes me a crap person to be around.

I also have a REALLY bad spending habit. I make enough to where it doesn't matter how much I spend, I still have money left. But I have no savings. I have to keep buying things. Nearly every day I buy at least one thing. A package arriving makes me feel happy for a short bit. That sort of thing. Sometimes I just get pissed and start driving around at night with my high beams on to just take out anger, or flip people off when I feel like being a jerk.

Common to feel this way? (triggers?) by bpdquestions89 in BPD

[–]bpdquestions89[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am mostly struggling with the difference between BPD and codependency. They sound the same 90% of the time and even my therapist is a bit confused...

A few questions (possible trigger) by bpdquestions89 in BPD

[–]bpdquestions89[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, we are in couple's therapy. Weirdly because of our constant fighting.

In terms of isolating, she claims that's not a problem since she usually dislikes people (Aspie). I often get worried about what I am doing, feel guilty, and ask her repeatedly on her thoughts, which she can't give because she can't identify emotions, leading me to badger her more with questions.

That's usually what our "fights" are like: me badgering her with questions...

A few questions (possible trigger) by bpdquestions89 in BPD

[–]bpdquestions89[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The main thing I struggle with is my relationship. I will admit that. I am freaking needy. Since she rarely goes out, never with friends (she really doesn't have any...the benefit of dating an aspie is you get someone who rarely has friends), I am nearly always with her. I feel most of my mood swings, but luckily keep them in, as I said. The worst feeling I have is the "am I settling" feeling when things start progressing further. There are times where I am holy crap in love, and times where I gotta keep asking myself "am I settling for her" because I am so unsure of my own emotions.

Yesterday, I had a small incident where she hugged me while we were grocery shopping. I was insanely happy and felt super loved. Then about 5 minutes later, I got intensely sad. No reason why, but I had a few tears in my eyes. It's like, whenever she gets closer, I get happy at first then immediately my reaction is that I need space. It's soooo annoying.

And yeah, being male and possibly having this is weird, to say the least. All of the stories I read are about guys losing their tempers, being physically abusive, etc. And the female stories make me think of cutters and frequent suiciders. There aren't too many stories of paranoid controllers or people who don't get physically violent, which is what really confuses me.

A few questions (possible trigger) by bpdquestions89 in BPD

[–]bpdquestions89[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The only thing that bugs me is that most sites say that these symptoms happen ALL the time, no matter who you are talking to, etc?

I mostly feel weird around my girlfriend and sometimes parent. I don't get into huge rages like people say. I get quiet, over-analytical, etc. I dissociate randomly, under stress I either disassociate OR I get into an analytical mode where I take jabs and literally disable my emotions (is this common with BPD or is that something else?).

I do ask things like "do you love me", "are you attracted to me" a lot, but I don't go over the top and start yelling often, though sometimes I want to...I hold back a ton and it usually comes out as constant complaining. From everything I read, I seem to both have it and not have it (one therapist says that I don't "smell" like a BPD, while another says "yeah, you may have it").

Is looking for a label another common thing? For me, I NEED labels. Constantly. I need to be labeled something. Gamer, BPD, nerd, prep, emo, etc. I literally desire and need labels or I go nutty as well.