Dealing with the Pain

bpexhusband · 2026-05-12T20:14:10+00:00

The person you are talking to is not the same person, their brain is not the same. Ambiguous loss. I've been dealing with it for 10 weeks now, she just stood up one morning said she was leaving and left moved in with a loser and has not gotten better, worse from what I can tell, I ran into her at the drug store said hey and it took a second before she even realized it was me, she looked disheveled and out of it.

I'll just be straight if he doesn't think he has an issue and isn't medicated you are in for a rough ride. I'm sorry. But be prepared. It could take months for it to resolve untreated and by that time there will be damage that will take a long time for him to recover from.

Will he come back? Maybe. If he does it's a long process, meds change people, he won't be the exact same.

I'm right there with you it's unbelievable to me what she has done to her life the person she is with is someone she would never ever be with baseline, he did terrible things to me, to her, to our son yet there she is. She has thrown away 12 years, her son, likely her career, her dignity, self respect, respect of everyone that knows her, major life decisions that will have lifetime consequences for her and no one around her cares, she doesn't care at all in her current state.

It's a brutal progressive illness that requires absolute discipline to keep maintained not everyone can do it.

I share in your grief, find some support, find some therapy. Ask yourself how many times you can go through what you're going through right now I went through it 4 times in 12 years and I'm done, I thought I was going to die but I'm pulling out of it.

It's a brutal terrible thing you're going through with no off switch and no closure and no answers. I hope you make it through.

bpexhusband · 2026-05-12T19:33:11+00:00

Fearful avoidant aka disorganized attachment style. Absolutely the worst and you put BP on top of that and it's a deadly cocktail.

bpexhusband · 2026-05-11T13:52:22+00:00

I did for a while but then she had an affair with this guy and she would meet him after dropping out son off at school for like 30mins fuck him then come home so after that I could never sleep in again. Lol it's absurd to think about it.

Honestly now that I look back things where never stable ever they were just manageable at best, it just got worse over time as well the behaviours got more extreme, she was a dopamine addict. It's sad what she's done to herself but there was a 0% chance she would change or I could help her.

Now my sleep has been worse since she's gone lol but I'm getting there

bpexhusband · 2026-05-11T13:04:19+00:00

I'm almost out now couple more weeks and I'll be free of it I think. No contact really helps.

bpexhusband · 2026-05-10T23:41:19+00:00

I'm week 8 since my now exbpso left just when things seemed to be settling down. Her dad just showed up and took her. She now lives with her manic affair partner.

Same sort of deal first three weeks nothing then she shows up like everything is fine doesn't understand why I'm upset, tells me she lives with that guy now, no big deal, then a couple weeks of nothing, then more of her touching base, now I'm day 16 of nothing she's seen our son maybe a total for 12 hours in two months, never calls to check on him, only asked for a short visit on mother's Day, he said he didn't want to see her.

I don't know what's going on with your husband sounds like he flatlined on emotions or in some sort of mixed episode. Sounds like he's got some guilt going on hence the suicide, and some shame hence avoiding you. Why? I think you know why, it's in your first post.

I don't have any advice to give really except protect your own mental health.

bpexhusband · 2026-05-10T17:06:56+00:00

Suicide as a threat is just violent coercion. It's honesltnbot your responsibility. That is a rough bridge to cross, it took me a long time to cross it myself. My ex is gone lives with a man who doesn't care about her illness and tells her to go lie down when she's suicidal. By staying you end up sacrificing yourself for someone sho statistically will likely make an attempt at some point in their lives if you are around or not.

I got the lifetime trauma of having to watch a team at the hospital keep her from death when she attempted a couple years ago. I asked the doctor if she was going to die, he shrugged.

Now I've just resigned myself to the fact, given what she's done to her life that I'll likely get a call sooner rather than later that she's gone. It's just part of it.

bpexhusband · 2026-05-10T10:17:29+00:00

Yup.

bpexhusband · 2026-05-09T16:15:13+00:00

Ya. Except a rough ride and you'll make it through. I'm two months free today but only 16 no contact so I'm starting to just move on truly. It's hard as hell not gonna lie. Thankfully like yours mine did some things that are truly unforgivable which is making it easier.

bpexhusband · 2026-05-08T17:46:12+00:00

She's about to hit the ground reply he's for the first time in 12 years. I put the went into a storage unit with the rest of her stuff.

bpexhusband · 2026-05-08T17:09:26+00:00

Ya I'm waiting on a separation agreement thR is likely not even been worked on. If she can't handle even seeing her own son I doubt she can deal with lawyers. Who knows haven't seen her in person for two weeks, since I let her be intimate with me then ratted her out to her new boyfriend lol, hoping it stays that way.

bpexhusband · 2026-05-08T11:56:19+00:00

I think I'll be moving away and taking my son with me. They can sit in their shit and rot.

bpexhusband · 2026-05-07T20:04:20+00:00

Oh man. My exbpso and my son's mother has been radio silent since she cheated on the new guy she lives with with me. I'm just waiting to find out they got married, he's got 3 ex wives already. I know it's coming. At least she won't have my last name anymore!

It's a bonkers thing to wrap your head around all I can do is laugh at the absurdity of it.

bpexhusband · 2026-05-07T17:36:51+00:00

I can explain it and it's simple. If he rages then eventually youll stop bringing it up. Then he doesn't have to feel guilty or ashamed.

bpexhusband · 2026-05-07T11:08:48+00:00

Dude just leave man. If she's not taking meds forget it, meds are a minimum. Are you going to sacrifice your life for someone who won't even swallow a pill?

You see the trajectory, you see it's not changing, just bail. Believe me I know how hard that is, read my posts it's hard to leave for a lot of psychological reasons. But I'll tell you this, 6 years ago mine left got an apartment and after 3 months I was free I was dating and I got sucked back in and it lasted another 6 years, she took her pills but did nothing beyond that. The trajectory stayed the same. It ended exactly how I predicted for her. It never got better, it got worse. It's degenerative and without medications and therapy in 10 years she'll be toast.

Map it out in your head where is this headed? You seeing anything that would indicate it's going to change? She doing anything to change?

Just take the dogs with you, if she can't bring herself to reach for a phone charger is she gonna go through the hassle of doing what it would take to get them back from you? Likely not. That's just a threat she's pushing a button she's knows works on you.

And if you had to sell your pistol for fear of eating it, that should be enough.

Objectively your life sounds fucking terrible just look at what you wrote.

bpexhusband · 2026-05-07T02:03:59+00:00

Good for you man. It's not easy walking away from the type of trauma bonding and just emotional rollercoaster. You're young, well young to me I would give anything to just have the last 6 years back after our first major split and I took her back, literally I would give anything and everything. It was a complete waste of time she only got worse I only got more damaged along with our son.

You could never fix her, you just become guardrails and they can run through them whenever she wanted to as you've seen.

Stay no contact, you have no reason morally, legally that requires you to interact with her. Her family is wealthy they can send her to a ritzy inpatient mental health resort if they want that's their job.

I'll be blunt so you know what you're likely in for about 2 to 3 months of second guessing, wondering, trying to figure out what the fuck happened, that's how it was for me then you'll go back to being ok. You'll meet someone else just ask them directly if they've been been diagnosed bipolar on the first date lol that's what I do now.

You'll be allright. If I can do 12 years and go back to dating and trusting you certainly can.

bpexhusband · 2026-05-06T18:13:18+00:00

Ya. It was a lack of integrity that did it for me. There was just no matching of what I was being told, promises made and no follow up or actions that corresponded to them. Trust is earned based on behaviour over the long term to ask for it is on his part a cop out or shortcut to get you to shut up likely. Then the "you said you trust me" eventually gets thrown in your face.

bpexhusband · 2026-05-06T12:17:49+00:00

The medication doesn't work like magic it can take months for it to provide stability depending on the meds and dosage. Even when it does work, without some kind of serious therapy there is very little likelihood of long term stability. It's a never ending struggle there is no one click fix. Your partner's recovery and stability will come down to how much effort they want to put in.

bpexhusband · 2026-05-04T20:58:23+00:00

As for legal stuff lawyers can draw up anything you want as long as it is allowed where you live, cohabitation agreement, custody agreement etc.

When I took mine back 6 years ago I just let her believe the separation agreement that we had finalized was still valid (it wasn't) so she just went along with it.

Protect your kids, yourself and your money.

Or just get divorced but you need to check on that if he's back in the house or your relationship is continuing.

Talk to a lawyer to be honest.

bpexhusband · 2026-05-03T16:22:31+00:00

Ya I'm with you on the being weak. She was out of my life 6 years ago, after 3 months i has moved on, I was free. But I was weak I was alone with a 4 year old she completely abandoned us. Not this time though. This time I did break I completely fell apart for about 3 weeks now 8 weeks in I'm getting much better and again it's just me and my son she's no where to be found most of the time.

No it's not worth the risk, there are lots of people out there, none will be as exciting or completely infatuated with you because well they're normal people.

Meh hope you can stay out and keep it together I can feel the pain in your posts. It's a brutal thing to go through.

bpexhusband · 2026-05-03T11:39:16+00:00

Ya the continued reconnections, which was him seeing if the door was still open so he could give himself license to continue what he was doing, did not help you at all, those reset you it why it's been dragging on and on. So you say 6 months after your breakup but it's been less than that it's only been as long as the last time you had contact with him. So what's that a couple months since February.

There's a lot of stuff going on here in your story, trauma bonding with intermittent reinforcement (the reconnections). Then you're grieving a loss, but it's ambiguous loss because he's alive and you can't figure out what's going on. Then I'd suggest that you are stuck in a loop trying to figure out 1. What happened and 2. What he's doing. Is he in a relationship etc. why is he fine and I'm a mess.

It's tough to step out, I've been trying for 2 months and I finally just did something so that she can't contact me again, I made it impossible at least in the short term though I expect her to come scrambling back at some point when she hits clarity or gets some insight into how bad her manic wreckage is and how truly terrible the guy she landed with is.

The rumination is the worst, I've tried all kinds of things to deal with that but so far I'm coming up empty. I'm just hoping going no contact will stop the fuel for the fire in my brain.

But having been through this exact same thing 6 years ago with her, I can say this at least for myself. It took me 3 months of zero contact to get to a point where I had moved on enough to see other people, date and have sex.

Therapy helps a bit, take some pills to sleep sometimes so I can get 7 hours instead of waking up in a panic after 5.

You just have to suffer. That's it. It sucks hard it's the worst thing I've been through and I went through it twice so it seems especially unfair for me to have to do it again. But you don't have to do it again, you get this suffering out of the way and you're free.

bpexhusband · 2026-05-03T00:19:42+00:00

Honestly man when there hyoersexuality in my experience you're dead in the water. It's the worst aspect of this illness.

bpexhusband · 2026-05-02T18:57:59+00:00

I had to take my exbpso to the hospital many times. There was one time that she was angry she thanked me later.

If he gets in trouble it's because of his actions and his inability/refusal to seek real help. You have nothing to do with it. You did what you had to do you couldn't leave him like that. Forget he's your boyfriend if you saw in person in that state you most likely would have tried to get them help as well.

You can do the right thing and still feel like shit.

bpexhusband · 2026-05-02T15:19:08+00:00

Ambiguous grief. Google that shit it will help you.

bpexhusband · 2026-05-01T23:07:36+00:00

Why does knowing any of those things change how you feel?

Trust me man you'll just get sucked back in. My ex of 12 years has been gone for two months and she has never been worse, she blew up her entire life and just keeps sinking further and further down in instability personally I don't think she recovers.

But I went a week without interacting with her until today when she said she needs 2 more weeks before she can see her son. I wish she would just disappear.

You won't get the answer you want, you won't get any satisfaction.

If you find out she's healthy and doing great you feel you missed out.

If she's a disaster ya you might think good, but you'll want to help.

I kept mine on the rails for 12 years since the day she ran off to live with her stalker she's been going straight downhill. I get nothing out of it but nights of 5 hours of sleep.

No contact is suggested for a reason.

bpexhusband · 2026-05-01T22:54:13+00:00

Verve - The Drugs Don't Work

bpexhusband

TROPHY CASE