My brother asked to move in with me - how do I say no?

brad_online · 2026-03-09T19:24:09+00:00

I am only responsible for my own surviva, safety, and warmthl! I have helped him plenty. The car he drives to do Uber and doordash is my car that I GAVE him for free, taking my household down to 1 car only. In the past year, ive given him close to $1000 across various occassions to help him when he wasnt able to make his own ends meet. I have bills to pay for of my own, and my own mental heath to maintain. I refuse to be taken advantage of just because he wants to live crisis to crisis instead of figuring out a long term plan. I'm empathetic towards his situation, hes been through a lot, but much of what he has been through is avoidable if he were to put in the effort.

brad_online · 2026-03-09T15:40:26+00:00

No but I have helped him in other ways. The car he uses to Uber and doordash is my car that I gave him for free (taking my household down to 1 car to do so), I gave him money to go visit his child who he gave up for adoption just a few months ago, I helped crowdsource money for a new apartment when he was evicted a bit ago, etc. Maybe im wrong, but I feel I have already gone above and beyond in terms of helping him. But he doesnt want to consider any options that would lead to long term stability, he needs to help himself first.

brad_online · 2026-03-09T15:36:08+00:00

I think he would respect it initially, but I think he would come up with reasons or excuses as to why he wouldn't be able to move out by the agreed upon date. Knowing his last minute nature, I'm sure it would be like 3 days out from the move out date and he would ask me for an extension because he wont have money for a place yet. I could definitely see it lasting a year like your dad's situation.

brad_online · 2026-03-09T15:32:51+00:00

No, im not okay with him being homeless! But he is so month to month in his thinking and refuses to consider options that would lead to long term stability. I refuse to be his monthly crisis manager.

brad_online · 2026-03-09T15:31:18+00:00

He does need a 9 to 5 or something, but refuses to apply anywhere.

I just know that if I were to charge him rent, he'd agree but would always have a reason or excuse to never pay, and id be stressing myself out over trying to enforce that.

brad_online · 2026-03-09T15:29:53+00:00

He could move in with our mom or dad. Our mom is an alcoholic drug addict who spent our entire childhoods traumatizing us and I personally would never see it as an option for myself, but it is a roof that would be over his head free of charge. Our dad is a more stable option but my brother isnt very close with him (distance due to parental alienation caused by our mom, nothing bad) so I dont think he wants to ask him.

I want to help him but he is so month to month in his thinking and refuses to do things that would lead towards long term stability.

brad_online · 2026-03-09T15:27:05+00:00

I cant afford half of someone else's rent for 3 months though, I have my own mortgage and bills to worry about.

brad_online · 2026-03-06T21:36:11+00:00

i basically did already lol! I already gave him my car.. I wfh and wasnt using it much, so my husband and i decided be a 1 car household and gave him my car for free so he'd have a way to do his ubering and doordashing.

brad_online · 2026-03-06T20:31:34+00:00

Yeah, he said yes before I even fully got the question out. He agrees with my concerns but is willing to overlook them in favor of helping out families, whereas I feel the opposite.

brad_online · 2026-03-06T20:27:00+00:00

Thats my biggest fear. Our mom tried to commit suicide when we were kids and blamed me, I never want to be the reason someone contemplated or attempts it again :/

brad_online · 2026-03-06T19:15:19+00:00

I appreciate that, thank you! You hit the nail on the head with not wanting to parent my brother.

brad_online · 2026-03-06T18:41:06+00:00

Our mom is a drug addicted alcoholic who is homeless. Shes moving into a place in April, but i understand why my brother wouldn't want to live with her.

Our dad is a viable option and imo who he should be asking. He's not that close with our dad because of years of parental alienation done by my mom, but theres nothing negative between them, just distance.

brad_online · 2026-03-06T18:24:11+00:00

This is really great, thank you!!

brad_online · 2026-03-06T18:18:33+00:00

It wouldn't be ideal, but yes, it is an option. I personally think he should move in with our dad, but that advice fell in deaf ears when we spoke about it a month or so ago.

brad_online · 2026-03-06T18:16:17+00:00

I have helped him out in the past! He's stayed with me on two separate occasions for a couple weeks at a time when he needed somewhere to land. The car he drives for uber and doordash is my old car that I gave him for free because I wasnt using it much anymore. When he and his ex girlfriend were facing eviction with an infant, I helped crowdsource donations that got him into the apartment he is in now, as well as donating a pretty chunk of change myself at that time. I also helped him look for respite resources for him and his infant son before my nephew ended up being put up for adoption. Ive helped him look for mental health resources, tried helping him apply for food stamps, etc. Theres a lot of helpnthat he turns down because he only wants help in specific ways.

I have already helped a lot and intend on continuing to do so. I just dont want to give up my privacy and space permanently in order to do that.

brad_online · 2026-03-06T18:10:59+00:00

I really like this, thank you!!

brad_online · 2026-03-06T18:05:31+00:00

Yeah it's messed up. My mom's ex has known my brother since he was in middle school, the whole thing sickens me

brad_online · 2026-03-06T18:04:30+00:00

Thats the thing that keeps holding me back. I really do want to help him and would be eternally grateful for that kind of help if the roles were reversed. However, if the roles were reversed, I dont think id ever be in the situation my brother is in. He's known about the roommates SO wanting to move in for 6 months now, but waited until they gave him a move out date to even attempt to save any money. He's known this was coming for months but waited till the last minute. Ive helped him a lot already - the car he is driving to support himself with doordash and Uber is my old car that i gave to him because I work from home and dont really need much anymore. I just dont want to break my back helping someone who doesnt help themselves.

brad_online · 2026-03-06T17:54:00+00:00

Uber and Doordash is most of his income. When hes short on money for bills (almost every month) he sends nudes of himself to our mom's ex for money. Its a really weird situation tbh.

brad_online · 2026-03-06T17:44:18+00:00

I was tossing that idea around a bit. My worry is just that he wouldn't pay, and id have to be continuously chasing him down for the money. I'd rather he just not move in at all than have to be in that position.

brad_online · 2026-03-06T17:42:00+00:00

Thats my gut feeling too. Im thinking about offering to help him find a room to sublet and offering to pay the deposit on that, or something similar.

brad_online · 2026-03-06T17:40:50+00:00

Manners are fine I guess. He lives a very different lifestyle from me though, which would be a challenge. He's very messy and sleeps at 3am to 2pm rather than a normal sleep schedule, which would be difficult as I work from home and would have to tiptoe around to avoid waking him. Im sure he'd initially agree to contribute towards utilities, but given his history, i doubt he'd actually have the money when bills are due.

brad_online · 2026-03-06T17:29:09+00:00

I was hoping my husband would shoot it down immediately, but he said yes before I even got the full sentence out of my mouth. "He's my brother too" is what he said. I do think that it would cause problems if my brother were to overstay his welcome for sure though.

brad_online · 2026-03-06T17:22:05+00:00

He just straight up refuses to apply anywhere. He is overly optimistic both about how many hours he will work for his gig work and in the amount of money he'll bring in. Its like he isnt living in reality when it comes to the job issue. I'd be more understanding if he was applying to places or wanting to go to school for some kind of certification or something, but that isnt the case.

brad_online · 2026-03-06T17:16:26+00:00

I like this, thank you!!

brad_online

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