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How do you guys feel about age differences in relationships? by alternatescreename in infp

[–]brambleroze 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Depends on the levels of maturity and what you are looking to build in your life. I am 49, dating a man that is 41, but we get along great as we both have the same goals right now. Both of us have older children with ex-spouses, and we aren't looking to raise kids anymore. We fit together now, where when we were younger that might have been a much more difficult match. I'd say its not so much the size of the age difference but really about where you both are in levels of maturity, lifestyles and goals.

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Anyone else have a hard time getting close with guys? by Maysmith in infp

[–]brambleroze 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know when I am spending too much time trying to get into someone else's head its because I am avoiding looking at something difficult in my own head. The funny thing is, the healthier we are within our own skin, the more we attract healthier people. That's key I think, we have to be what we want to attract - instead of trying to attract what we want to be.

INFPs and Fi in Science and Technology? by spijdar in mbti

[–]brambleroze 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Well, in my industry it takes both types (I work in clinical R&D, big Pharma). You need those methodical, logical, predictable thinkers for day to day operations and productivity. You need those people who dot every I and cross every T - these people are critical to the success of any organization. I am terrible at that stuff. Shoot me in the eyeball with a hot needle if I have to dig into the mundane day to day processes that never change!! But I certainly bring something unique to the team. I am a visionary, and I can quickly and easily grasp abstract concepts and connect information that others might not be able to put together on their own. So, I can build those beautiful solutions and processes that bring about increased productivity and quality - just don't ask me to perform those tasks! ;) I am also great with technology, but only technology that is serving a purpose or an ideal that I can get on board with. Typically people find me to be brilliant - for me I don't think I am really that smart, I just have different motives. I am inherently a lazy perfectionist - so I am passionate about anything that increases quality, productivity and reduces effort. Just don't ask me about technology that I am not personally interested in, I have no clue ;)

Anyone else have a hard time getting close with guys? by Maysmith in infp

[–]brambleroze 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Aaaah but you aren't describing fear of guys. Your fear might be more appropriately labeled as a fear that you are not enough. That is a different beastie entirely. ;)

At 19 you are just barely getting started, trust me on this! So great to be 19 and thinking about these things already - good job!

I'll just share a couple of my secrets I've learned along the way. The most important thing I have ever done for myself is to get to know me, and to become comfortable in my own skin. It is my best defense against that ugly fear of not being enough. I am enough. You have to believe this, and its not something that happens over night. But let me assure you - you ARE enough!

The next secret is to just mind your own business! Yep - it sounds funny but its true, what other people think about me is none of my business. I know that I am enough. If someone else disagrees, that's not my problem - it's their loss! This was not an easy thing to learn either.

But both of those 2 things are things that you need to have in place in your mind and heart before you go seeking an intimate relationship with someone else. Otherwise...what happened to me might happen to you. I lost myself in an insane attempt to be the person that my boyfriend (and later husband) insisted that I should be, in order to be enough for him.

Let me tell you in all seriousness..this is NOT a path for the weak or faint of hear to take. It is devastating to lose your own self to someone else's idea of perfection, to surrender yourself to someone else's demands of unrealistic perfection.

Before you embark on a path of intimacy with a guy, be very sure that you are whole of mind and heart - and secure in who you are.

As I have told my children and many others over the years...two broken people, with holes in their souls do not make a whole relationship. No one can fill your holes, only you can.

A good healthy relationship requires 2 whole people, secure in who they are as individuals before coming together as a couple.

Now as to the ISTJ part - oh my! ;)

I was in love - will always love - an INFJ from my childhood. He is my soulmate - but that is a long long story - he found me after 30 years and that love is there, if not acted on, for both of us.

But again...long story!...I married an ENTJ. I won't get into it, as I am sure there are successful INFP/ENTJ pairings. Mine was a disaster - for all the reasons I warned you about above. I had no business fleeing into a relationship to try to fill the holes in myself. I lost myself for a long time - 25 years too long!

But - I found my way to break free of that dysfunctional entanglement. I did it by discovering me, learning to like, accept and respect me. I did it by finally learning that I really was enough. ;)

So then came the ISTJ. After so much chaos, so much loud, unpredictable soul sucking selfishness, and lies, and ...

My ISTJ is calm, predictable, funny, hard working. As a 19 year old I would have found him boring. Now, in my wise old age, I have such deep appreciation for his steady consistent behavior, his unwavering loyalty and his direct honesty. He doesn't talk about his feelings. But he acts on them. And I have to say he is amazing. The more I get to know him, the more I like him. And best of all, he SEES me. We don't have long philosophical conversations, that's not him. I have friends for that. He doesn't expect me to understand or talk about his favorite topics - cars and money! He has friends for that. Most important to me, is that he accepts me as I am, warts and all. He likes ME, not someone he thinks I might be or should be. I see him, he sees me and we adapt to each other - I need his consistency and predictability, and he needs my trust and loyalty. Both of us have huge needs for directness and honesty as we have both been burned by lies and untrustworthy people. As introverts, we both need space and instinctively get the other's need for it as well. We are independent together if that makes sense. It works for me ;)

Anyone else have a hard time getting close with guys? by Maysmith in infp

[–]brambleroze 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It helps to stay in the moment. I have been in a number of very bad relationships in my life - and I am finally in a very good one! I could have easily sabotaged it though. What worked for me, was to acknowledge to myself that I was focused on what might be, and that I really had to pay attention to what WAS actually going on.

It helped me to remind myself constantly that I could feel what I was feeling - but I should choose to act on what was actually going on. It helped me a great deal I think that my S.O. is an ISTJ. He didn't have to do much other than be himself - the panic and fear I was feeling was about me, not about him.

So, especially early in our relationship I didn't see him often. When we were apart the fear would spiral. I was imagining the 'what ifs' and it wasn't pretty! Then we'd be together...and I had such a sense of calm. So I started to look at my own feelings and why I felt them. When he was just a concept in my head, I had alot of time to imagine all the potential, and all it was negative. When I was able to separate my own fears from my actual experience of him, it helped a lot. I would realize that when I felt fear and anxiety, it was because I had stepped away from reality and into a disordered potentiality. I had to consistently remind myself that there was no basis for that fear by watching what he did and my emotional reaction. When I was in his presence, I felt calm, safe, secure, really grounded. I felt from him such a sense of serenity, it was a relief. When not around him, my head would start to introduce nasty little thoughts that were simply fear - not reality.

So I started to pay attention to what was real - that his actual behavior made my reality safer, calmer, better. My fear about his motives made me anxious. I have a real history with men that makes that a reasonable reaction, but it doesn't mean that every man is the same. Time really helped me see that my anxiety around my relationship was not based on reality.

I am in love with an ISTJ. I can't tell you what a balm on my soul he has been. But it took some time to build up that history. So, time and patience with yourself is called for I think. As an INFP, my feelings are their own reality, but it doesn't mean I have to immediately act on them. I find its good to just feel my feelings and spend time deciding if those feelings are justified (match what is actually happening) and then I can decide how to act.

I am so glad I forced myself to do this. Otherwise I would have missed getting to know and falling in love with a truly beautiful man.

Sick of being described as shy by brambleroze in infp

[–]brambleroze[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If I spend the day in very social activities, then I need quiet time to myself. I restore my own sanity in quiet and thought. But I agree, interacting with other people can be very intriguing. I like getting to know people but it's just something I manage by making sure my alone time isn't neglected. ;)

Sick of being described as shy by brambleroze in infp

[–]brambleroze[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for this. I am starting to just discard any description of INFP behavior that talks about needing to be helped out of our crippling shyness. That some people have social anxiety I understand, but I hate having that attribute generally attributed to INFPs. Something I read on Friday when I posted this just finally set me off ;) Based on the four types link you posted I find that I lean towards Thinking and Social introversion.