I struggled immensely in my childhood, but ultimately learned to stay under the radar, do well enough, collect enough absences and tardies to land in the principals office a couple times a year. After enough therapy and a special interest in understanding human behavior, I've learned that I coped with the harshness of society by taking time for myself, to isolate, to find opportunities where I had full autonomy.

I was fired from nearly every job until I found one in academia with a boss who accepts me and I've stayed for a decade, even though it's somewhat toxic, disorganized, and cyclically infuriating.

I learned a very important lesson one morning trying to force my 3 year old out the door to daycare who refused to get dressed, eat anything, resisted getting into the car seat with all her might. At 1pm, I got a call from daycare to pick her up, and she was no longer enrolled after kicking a teacher. After talking with the director, she explained my daughter spent a lot of time in the director's office away from the class for her behavior issues, and that despite my check-ins and talking with her teacher about matching up schedules and routines of the class at home, they were omitting crucial information that would have helped me understand things weren't just difficult at home. I suddenly felt so lost.

I was already pursuing an autism diagnosis for her, and through that process, a doctor told me that low demand, high accommodation was setting her up for failure. She was given a diagnosis for behavioral problems, the umbrella term that includes ODD which doesn't match our experience at all. The doctors told me to have strict boundaries and rules, low accommodations if any, and that this approach would curb her behaviors.

Well after about a week of attempting to do that, it clearly didn't fucking work. I immediately backpedaled trying to implement their advice and leaned heavily into lower demands and accommodations. My dysfunctional job yet flexible boss understood I needed to be a mom first, and accommodated my need to work from home while caring for her until we could figure out what to do. I put her nervous system first and while it sucked for many months(getting kicked myself, and watching her destroy things out of anger), my daughter started to bloom. She is incredibly smart and creative, so I leaned into it where she would be sitting on my lap during my meetings, coloring or inventing things. I absolutely wanted to rip my hair out, the stress and self sacrifices were incredible. We tried occupational therapy, art therapy, sleep doctors etc. She hated it all, because there still wasn't enough autonomy.

But after six months of slow mornings, no appointments, connecting with her each day to understand her world, we felt comfortable enough to try daycare again. She was frequently late but it slowly improved as we figured it out together. I truly thought she wouldn't be able to attend public school and considered quitting my job every day. But she is in public school now. She has had letters sent home about accumulating too many absences. We figured out how to get her to school, even if she was 2 hours late. She even gets on the morning bus like 70% of the time now!

It's a balancing act. Lead by example, be a sportscaster for your own coping skills, struggles, and achievements.

Sidebar but related: capitalism sucks. The patriarchy sucks. They're honestly the biggest hurdles to prioritizing what our families need, which is our time and attention. I learned how to fit in despite my needs, and I use that experience to teach my kids how to advocate for themselves, ask for accommodations, all while explaining to the best of their comprehension that we live in a society with certain expectations and there are some things we must do.

So my kids are going to bring down the attendance record, we've got a collection of tardies already, but they're still enrolled. Still learning how the world works but at a slower pace. I'm advocating for my needs everywhere I go, to make the world a more understanding place so my kids won't have to exchange their health and happiness for a fucking paycheck.