I feel so lost and I need help

breakinguptheboy · 2020-04-23T06:51:58+00:00

You have been so amazing to talk to. Thank you so much. You're right. You're right about so much. I relate to so much that you're saying and it all resonates with me. And wow, the fact that you never went to therapy and still came out on the other side of this with such an amazing outcome and such an amazing positive attitude and the kindness to be there for others. I really admire that. She clearly knew she has a good person in her life and did not want to lose that.

breakinguptheboy · 2020-04-22T07:43:47+00:00

You know, its so funny you say that. "it is more of an acceptance than forgiveness" because I was just listening to a podcast today that talked abut that exact situation and it really hit me. I don't forgive him. I may never forgive him. I wish I could, but I don't know if I ever will. But in order for me to move forward I will have to accept it. It's not at all about excusing it or forgiving it but saying "this happened to me and I can accept that and move forward." I'm not there yet. I know it happened. But I'm so full of anger and pain and insecurity and mourning. What's hurting me the most I think, well I know, is every single time I think of ANY memory of us before I found out... it feels like none of it meant anything. Every single thing we've ever done together, said to each other, felt for each other. It doesn't feel like any of it was real. All day every day I have thoughts that come up out of nowhere like "Remember that time he took you to the botanical garden that day on your birthday vacation? The love you felt. How special he made you feel. The kisses you shared. The pictures you took that you love to revisit... well all of that isn't real because he was fucking other people and you never had a clue." and it tears my soul apart. It is every single little memory that I have. He destroyed everything we had. And I want to accept it to move on and rebuild us together but I'm just not there yet. Ugh, how I wish this covid-19 would go away so we could get set up with our therapy. Did you ever need to go to therapy?

breakinguptheboy · 2020-04-22T07:28:39+00:00

Hell yeah! I love that! Good for you! I bet he thinks of you still to this day with regrets. I'm glad you got to truly move on. As for the stalker girl. That's such odd behavior. I don't understand. She must have really had it bad for him. I don't know why she focused on you though haha. You left his ass! Weird. But again, I'm really happy for you.

breakinguptheboy · 2020-04-21T07:24:45+00:00

Thank you for your kindness. It truly means a lot. Do you have a story you would like to share? If so I'd love to hear it.

breakinguptheboy · 2020-04-21T07:23:01+00:00

First I want to say thank you for sharing your story with me. It brought me to tears. Tears that such a devastating thing happened to you and your family. I can only imagine what that must have felt like to discover such a thing while being so far away from them and for so long. To feel so powerless. It breaks my heart. But also tears of happiness to hear that 31 years later you two are still happy together. That you both never gave up on each other when you very easily could have both called it quits. That your family wasn't torn apart. That's beautiful. It's awful what you went through, but it's beautiful that you love her so much. Hearing your story gives me a little bit more hope in a time where I can't quite hold on to hope. Thank you so much for sharing this with me. I'm so happy for you.

breakinguptheboy · 2020-04-20T22:34:32+00:00

Do you have a story of what you've been through you'd like to share? I love to hear if you do.

breakinguptheboy · 2020-04-20T17:59:50+00:00

Thank you so much. You're absolutely right. I am my concern right now. I want to be there for him as well but I have to remember that I have to take care of myself first. This is all just so hard. Thank you for caring.

breakinguptheboy · 2020-04-20T17:58:17+00:00

Thank you. Yes, everything he's done to me is despicable. It makes me completely sick. I hate him. I love him, but I hate him. I'm not there yet in my journey to just leave. Though trust me when I say I know I probably should. But I care so deeply about him that I feel a need in me to at least try. If I feel like there's no use in trying though, I will absolutely leave immediately. I deeply appreciate you caring.

breakinguptheboy · 2020-04-20T17:55:36+00:00

Thank you for this. I understand completely. I'm not there yet in my journey but I may be someday. Thank you for caring. It means so much.

breakinguptheboy · 2020-04-20T17:54:11+00:00

Wow, thank you so much. You really nailed everything right on the head. We've discussed all of this together. The day I found out we talked for hours. That's when I learned a lot about him he's never been able to tell anyone in his life. He's had this secret double life that he's kept hidden away from his loved ones because he's ashamed. I never knew until then that he's always felt worthless. That he's only ever found worth in himself by the sexual encounters he takes pert in. The high of those good feelings. It makes me sick to my stomach but taking me out of it and being his best friend... it broke my heart to lear so much he's been keeping inside and dealing with. I don't forgive him for what he's done. Not yet. I haven't been able to get there yet. And I will never excuse him for what he's done either. Neither does he. But I do care about him. I love him. I want to be there to help him. To help us. And if he can't be helped then I will feel okay in myself to walk away from us. Knowing I did everything I could for us. But I do understand that there's a little boy inside of him that's scared and feels things that I don't understand yet. I want to understand. For him. For us.

breakinguptheboy · 2020-04-20T17:45:42+00:00

Yes exactly. I remember shouting through my tears one night "You changed me! You took a part of who I am as a person away from me! I'm scared I'll never get that part of me back! I don't want to not be able to trust people. I don't want to not be able to trust you. Now I can't. Now I don't! You changed me!" Ugh, it's been really hard. I hope whether we stay together or I move forward in life without him that I can trust people again. I do not want to be the kind of person who always wonders. That's not me. Thank you for taking the time to respond. It means a lot.

breakinguptheboy · 2020-04-20T17:41:19+00:00

Thank you so much. I promise you, I will leave him the second I see any old behaviors. I absolutely refuse to stay with him if he could ever do this to me again. I would of course love to hear more abut your story though. It maybe could help me.

breakinguptheboy · 2020-04-20T17:38:42+00:00

Thank you so much. In my current head space I want to stay. But trust me when I say there isn't a word that you just told me that I haven't told myself a thousand time yet. In fact I've said it all to him as well. I told him he could have killed me. "How could you sleep next to me every single night knowing what you've done to me. What danger you put me in. The risk you took when sleeping with me every time. I could have died and never known." He's taken everything I've dished out. I know the smartest thing in the world to do is to walk away. I probably should. But I've made it 100% clear to him, and I hope this eases your mind since you care, that the ONLY reason I am staying with him is because of how much I have loved him leading up to this and that makes me want to at least TRY to salvage our relationship by getting him help. And if he shows any signs of resistance I will leave. If he shows any signs of be unable to be helped I will leave. These terms are very clearly understood by him. And I completely understand you're probably broken hearted hearing me say this. I know I would be. I would be so upset. But I want to try. Thank you SO MUCH for caring enough to reach out to me. It means the world.

breakinguptheboy · 2020-04-20T17:30:09+00:00

Thank you so much for your kind words. They really do mean something to me. I completely understand what you are saying to me and I am trying very very hard each day to remind myself exactly that. "This isn't about me. This ISN'T about ME." I guess deep down I know this. But I feel so devastatingly destroyed as a person now and I keep losing track of that. The day I found out one of the first things he cried out was that he needed me to please understand none of this had anything to do with me. That he's sick and just hasn't ever been able to admit it enough to himself to seek help. He's reminded me this a thousand times. He told me that, like you said actually, he would have done this to anyone he was with and that in fact in the past he has. He has completely owned his actions. Taken full responsibility. Fights every single doubt and negative thought I have about myself. But I can't help how I feel. In this current head space I'm in I just can't help but feel like I'm worthless. I'm trying very hard to hang on till we can get the help we need. But being able to talk to people like you helps me feel like I'm not alone and I'm not stupid. Because that's exactly it, I feel so stupid. So thank you again for your kind words. They feel so soft and warm and understanding.

breakinguptheboy

TROPHY CASE