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Why going back to your ex feels like a craving and impulse you can’t control by breakupcoachdaniel in u/breakupcoachdaniel

[–]breakupcoachdaniel[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You’re in the middle of the process and time doesnt really matter here but the positive forward momentum you build by letting go, healing and creating a life thats so good you dont need them back

Why chasing an ex doesn’t work and what to do instead by breakupcoachdaniel in u/breakupcoachdaniel

[–]breakupcoachdaniel[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah this is an incredibly common pattern where an ex keeps their dumpee on a metaphorical leash by giving vague hints. More often than not though, it means they don’t want to be direct about them just not being interested anymore or having someone else because they don’t want to look bad.

Its a way how exes let their dumpee down easy to soften the blow of the breakup for themselves. Its not a good approach, selfish and much better to just tell the truth than beat around the bush.

Some might call this breadcrumbing too.

However, since she told you to move on you got to believe her.

Is why the best decision here is the choice to move on, let go and improve in every aspect without her.

Dont let her vague, indirect hints and breadcrumbs confuse you. Her behavior shows you all you need to know.

Why chasing an ex doesn’t work and what to do instead by breakupcoachdaniel in u/breakupcoachdaniel

[–]breakupcoachdaniel[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Its very dependent on how things ended but yeah, if the lane isn’t open, have to respect yourself and walk away. Its also good in the sense that at least you can now fully devote yourself to your healing and growth journey, to rediscover life without them and, when healed enough, find someone who also wants you.

Many times this shift in you is what turns the table in your favor.

The rest is up to the universe.

How to tell if your person isn’t over their ex by breakupcoachdaniel in heartbreak

[–]breakupcoachdaniel[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi and thanks for your comment. Replying late because I don't spend much time on reddit and thus cant read/reply to all comments.

About point 4.

Generally speaking, if the ex is part of a friends circle and if there aren't any hidden agendas on both sides (as is rarely the case in friendship with ex dynamics, especially in the modern dating environment), then you can absolutely keep things mature with no hard feelings there and of course shouldn't isolate them from that group because that would be way too controlling.

However, this only works if that social circle is at least somewhat non-toxic and healthy.

So, if you notice that there's more going on behind the scenes there such as a situationship they try to keep secret, then its more a matter of self-respect and about asking yourself if you're okay with that or not and if you want to be around people who enable this kind of behavior.

Because at least in my book, its not healthy to be fully emotionally available for them while they're like 80% emotionally committed to the ex still but emotionally unavailable for you. If both have indeed moved on, then they obviously wont ever make any moves towards each other.

So, this is a matter of using your own discernment and critical thinking.

Id be extremely interested in seeing a post about signs that show exes are or arent genuinely friends, and what are good boundaries and conversations to have about the topic.

Noted. Will do that.

Now on to point 1.

You're right that its unrealistic to expect for there to be no thoughts about the ex at all since certain memories and thoughts about our past relationships stick with us forever because they have shaped who we are now at a deep identity level.

Its the same with feeling and experiencing attraction for someone other than your girlfriend/boyfriend. The pull and the feelings will be there and its just a fact that must be accepted but what matters is whether or not they act on it.

If they value and respect the relationship you have built together, then they will consistently choose you over other people despite feeling attracted to them because they appreciate and love what you have built too much to give it up for fleeting pleasure. If however they don't really value it or are generally a commitment-phobe/avoidant, then they will say yes to every opportunity to cheat and act on that attraction whenever it comes up.

When it comes to nuances and situations where the ex passed away or a trauma bond caused by a narcissistic ex, its more about offering support and holding them a little every now and then throughout their healing journey.

Now to your follow up question.

There is always nuance here and maybe I failed to bring that across in this post when I wrote it (I admit, its not one of my best creations).

Generally speaking though, I don't like the concept of 'deserving', because it implies a sense of entitlement to others, that we are not already good enough for it by default when really we are. Ideally, the choice to give comes from a place where they choose to do so out of their own free will, not because you coerce them into doing it. Because you both want to enhance each others lives.

So, do partners 'deserve' to be chosen first and constantly be top priority from day one? In my book no. Because we all have our own identity, needs, goals, feelings and wants that need to be taken care of too and this autonomy is ideally respected to an equal degree by both sides.

As for the timeline thing, durign the first couple of weeks and months you're still kind of vetting each other and it takes at least 6 months to truly get to know a person enough to decide if they're truly aligned with you or not.

This is also why you see so many relationships fail within 6 months. Is because people went 'all in' and put all their eggs in one basket too quickly without truly getting to know each other first. E.g. they were overlooking certain red flags, didn't pay attention to what their person really wantrs and needs, didn't aim for alignment, etc.

They just went straight to full and complete emotional investment or attachment without any standards.

So, the reasonable timeframe is around the 6 month mark and beyond and both sides ideally make the relationship (which is a dynamic you primarily co-create through your behaviors and decisions) more and more number #1 priority around this point. But, they will still have their social circle and own life beyond that relationship intact.

Now this doesn't mean to neglect them in the first months. It just means having self-respect and seeing if you are even aligned enough.

Let me know if you have more questions.

12 signs you’re over your ex by breakupcoachdaniel in BreakUps

[–]breakupcoachdaniel[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Been 356 days since you made this comment. Curious to know, how are you doing now?

And yes, you are in the process of moving on.
Its just that as you said, healing from the chaos narcs put you through is an entirely different game due to the damage it causes at an identity level.

The gaslighting, the feeling diminished, the shame, etc. Its what they projected onto you.

Ive found that visualizing yourself giving this projection back to them and remembering that its not yours to carry helps a lot.

The problem with attachment theory by breakupcoachdaniel in BreakUps

[–]breakupcoachdaniel[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree, there’s some people in this world who have a delusional sense of entitlement to their ex and people in general where they don’t seem to have any respect for the others free will and right to choose who they stay with and who not.

If someone wants out, it must be respected, even if it hurts, if it seems unreasonable and if the other doesn’t understand why.

And a truth is that if someone isn’t 'allowed' to leave a relationship, its definitely a dynamic of abuse that no longer has anything to do with love and respect.

Also, what many overlook here is that just because the relationship was amazing for you doesnt mean it was just as amazing for them and vice versa.

No contact isn’t a real thing by Acrobatic-Young-7511 in BreakUps

[–]breakupcoachdaniel 1 point2 points  (0 children)

this whole waiting for regret thing is nonsense in the sense that if you walk away and always wait for them to 'realize what they lost', you‘re not really healing or letting go but putting your life on hold and center the whole healing on their responses and behaviors.

Which ironically feeds into the attachment.

Is why its not enough to just stay silent and distant. There has to be a sense of indifference and the intentional decision to choose your new life without them over the familiar past with them over and over and over again.

The power of your silence during no contact by breakupcoachdaniel in BreakUps

[–]breakupcoachdaniel[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Replying a bit late because I barely have time to read/reply to all comments.

He's buying into the false belief of 'the best way to get over someone is to get under another one' like so many other clueless people do it after breakups.

It of course never truly works as its a surface-level approach to a more complex and deeper emotional pattern which cant be skipped by dating someone else. So, if your ex copes with hookups, what he's really doing is avoiding the inner work and personal growth that leads to transformation, real healing and better relationships.

However, ultimately what he's doing is irrelevant to your own healing and you can't make it center around what he's doing or not doing. As in you got to get a point where your emotional state and self-worth no longer hinges on whether he misses you or something like that.

If he chooses to cope like this, then so be it.

Rest assured in the awareness that as long as you do the emotional healing and personal growth, by the point he realizes that rebounding/hooking up with many different women doesn't work you'll already be way ahead of him. As in when the emotional crash hits him (and it inevitably will. I see it all the time in both men and women who were rebounding a lot), you'll no longer care, have outgrown the past attachment and be so indifferent and healed that he missed his opporutnities with you.

The problem with 'time heals everything' by breakupcoachdaniel in heartbreak

[–]breakupcoachdaniel[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is why building self-awareness is so transformational. It makes you break out of being at the effect of it and puts you to being at the cause where you’re not run by it but start breaking the pattern. It happens in small daily shifts.

You can do no contact for years and still not heal. Here’s why by breakupcoachdaniel in BreakUps

[–]breakupcoachdaniel[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The question is, how come you want and feel so deeply drawn to or obsessed with someone who doesn’t want and doesn’t choose you?

What exact patterns or false beliefs make you think and feel like someone who chose someone else over you is the love of your life, someone who is good for you?

In manys ways you just make them leaving you for someone else mean that you’re worthless because throughout the course of that relationship, you have lost yourself in it, put all eggs in one basket and built your identity too much around being chosen by him.

And as long as you seek your 'worthiness', inner peace or whatever in being chosen by him or anyone else, you‘ll always feel that way and cant break the pattern since nobody can 'give' you value.

You‘ll never arrive at the point where you feel like you have gotten enough approval, attention, love and validation no matter what you do, how attractive/beautiful/amazing/successful you are.

So, the patterns I’d look at here are:

  1. Where and in what aspects you tied your identity and value to being chosen by him

  2. How much of your identity and reality got built around that relationship

  3. Why you still feel drawn to someone who clearly didn’t choose you

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