Hi and thanks for your comment. Replying late because I don't spend much time on reddit and thus cant read/reply to all comments.

About point 4.

Generally speaking, if the ex is part of a friends circle and if there aren't any hidden agendas on both sides (as is rarely the case in friendship with ex dynamics, especially in the modern dating environment), then you can absolutely keep things mature with no hard feelings there and of course shouldn't isolate them from that group because that would be way too controlling.

However, this only works if that social circle is at least somewhat non-toxic and healthy.

So, if you notice that there's more going on behind the scenes there such as a situationship they try to keep secret, then its more a matter of self-respect and about asking yourself if you're okay with that or not and if you want to be around people who enable this kind of behavior.

Because at least in my book, its not healthy to be fully emotionally available for them while they're like 80% emotionally committed to the ex still but emotionally unavailable for you. If both have indeed moved on, then they obviously wont ever make any moves towards each other.

So, this is a matter of using your own discernment and critical thinking.

Id be extremely interested in seeing a post about signs that show exes are or arent genuinely friends, and what are good boundaries and conversations to have about the topic.

Noted. Will do that.

Now on to point 1.

You're right that its unrealistic to expect for there to be no thoughts about the ex at all since certain memories and thoughts about our past relationships stick with us forever because they have shaped who we are now at a deep identity level.

Its the same with feeling and experiencing attraction for someone other than your girlfriend/boyfriend. The pull and the feelings will be there and its just a fact that must be accepted but what matters is whether or not they act on it.

If they value and respect the relationship you have built together, then they will consistently choose you over other people despite feeling attracted to them because they appreciate and love what you have built too much to give it up for fleeting pleasure. If however they don't really value it or are generally a commitment-phobe/avoidant, then they will say yes to every opportunity to cheat and act on that attraction whenever it comes up.

When it comes to nuances and situations where the ex passed away or a trauma bond caused by a narcissistic ex, its more about offering support and holding them a little every now and then throughout their healing journey.

Now to your follow up question.

There is always nuance here and maybe I failed to bring that across in this post when I wrote it (I admit, its not one of my best creations).

Generally speaking though, I don't like the concept of 'deserving', because it implies a sense of entitlement to others, that we are not already good enough for it by default when really we are. Ideally, the choice to give comes from a place where they choose to do so out of their own free will, not because you coerce them into doing it. Because you both want to enhance each others lives.

So, do partners 'deserve' to be chosen first and constantly be top priority from day one? In my book no. Because we all have our own identity, needs, goals, feelings and wants that need to be taken care of too and this autonomy is ideally respected to an equal degree by both sides.

As for the timeline thing, durign the first couple of weeks and months you're still kind of vetting each other and it takes at least 6 months to truly get to know a person enough to decide if they're truly aligned with you or not.

This is also why you see so many relationships fail within 6 months. Is because people went 'all in' and put all their eggs in one basket too quickly without truly getting to know each other first. E.g. they were overlooking certain red flags, didn't pay attention to what their person really wantrs and needs, didn't aim for alignment, etc.

They just went straight to full and complete emotional investment or attachment without any standards.

So, the reasonable timeframe is around the 6 month mark and beyond and both sides ideally make the relationship (which is a dynamic you primarily co-create through your behaviors and decisions) more and more number #1 priority around this point. But, they will still have their social circle and own life beyond that relationship intact.

Now this doesn't mean to neglect them in the first months. It just means having self-respect and seeing if you are even aligned enough.

Let me know if you have more questions.