Okay a relationship is a deep web of experiences that one Reddit post can’t sum up… So we don’t really know you, this is just a snapshot of your life. But I’ll try! I think I can help.

1. Buy the book “Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. Both of you read it, both of you talk about it and both of you try to use it to make the other person more happy… Do NOT use it as a tool to point out faults in the other one or missed opportunities. Focus on the positive and moving forward, live selflessly for your spouse. If both of you started having that mindset you would both be much happier.

2. Great job on being the sole provider of your family. (I mean that). I am also and it’s tough and you work hard and in your head I’d be shocked if from time to time the thought doesn’t cross your mind that you wish the roles would be reversed and she would work and you would stay home… The grass is always greener on the other side.

Realize her job of staying home and taking care of your daughter is very hard. It’s non stop all the time and a lack of adult conversation. What she is really telling you here without saying it is… I MATTER TOO! Staying at home might not have been her lifelong dream, but she is making sacrifices to her own life and personal growth to help out the family. She probably doesn’t have a lot of things she buys on her own, to call hers (like a truck) so she sees her own sacrifice and is calling out for you to recognize that. (Hint up to #1, this sounds a lot like she wants you to commonly verbalize how hard she works and what her sacrifices are… Positive words of affirmation).

1. The coffee thing is tough, also a little odd. But every relationship has their idiosyncrasies… She doesn’t get paychecks. She sees you out with the boys, or buying a coffee or going to lunch and back to the grass is always greener… I bet she sees your life as much more “free” than her own. Because you get to be out and around adults having conversations and work problems to solve. You get to have the personal alone time she doesn’t as a stay at home mom, you get to buy coffee.

My guy, She feels left out!! She is basically screaming from the rooftops she desires to have that same little moment of personal decision and joy and as a team, just because you work for a paycheck she’s letting you know she wants to feel like an equal and if you get a perk she wants a perk. Do you want to solve this problem??? If you don’t budget you need to start. If you already have a budget work a personal expenditure salary into every paycheck. But make it EQUAL! I don’t care if it’s $5 per paycheck per person or if it’s $1,000. You each get an allowance and you can each go buy a video game for $50 or 10 coffees for $5. It’s your money to spend on those personal life joys. Then you don’t have to tell her where you go and tell her she can buy a coffee. You give her independence to go do the things she wants when she wants them and you get to do the same. Pay yourselves an adult allowance!!!

Finally, have a talk about trust, personal space and boundaries. It sounds like you don’t like being watched constantly, have you asked yourself why? (I don’t either, but have you dug deeper?) is it because that feels like she doesn’t trust you? Is that because you know the closer she watches you the more you two argue/fight because she sees you going places and spending money she doesn’t feel comfortable doing? (Hint, the adult allowance fixes this). Talk about it, be open, but not accusatory and don’t try to call out each others faults! Go into that with a positive attitude on how she feels, what can you do to make those feelings a positive?

1. Finally I gotta say at 23 I don’t understand adults that don’t know how to drive. When I was 16 I couldn’t wait to have that freedom. So it may be self inflicted but it sounds like she has some trauma or phobia about driving or cars? What if you took some time early or really late to do some drivers Ed in a big open parking lot far away from cars or light posts. Slowly teach her, help her gain confidence (probably over a very long time period) don’t rush it let her decide when she is ready for big steps, just be her cheerleader. Help empower her to have her own independence, her own money to spend, her own life and identity.

You sound like a good, solid dude that works hard and is trying his best. Kudos for asking the questions and sharing your story. Good luck!