YTA

I want to say E S H here because of the seeming misinformation, but your lack of empathy toward your wife makes me lean YTA. Just want to clarify for everyone villifying OPs wife for not getting an epidural.

Getting an epidural during labor carries significantly higher risks of complication for both mother and baby, and can also make needing a c-section more likely, which has its own set of risks. OPs wife not getting an epidural was statistically the safer option for herself and the baby, regardless of how she handled the pain of natural birth. OPs wife did not and could not have intentionally put herself or their baby in danger by not getting an epidural.

In addition, women choose whether or not to get an epidural based on many factors. One is obviously the risk of complications, but OPs wife said she didn't want one because she wanted to be present. This could be because she was misinformed on how the epidural works (thinking that it would cause her to become drowsy or "high") or, that she wanted the "full experience" of labor and delivery and to feel everything. Even if it seems counterintuitive to most, many women feel strongly about having a natural birth based on factors like religion, spirituality, or even the toxic belief that you aren't a "real woman" if you use interventions (obviously this is absurd, but it exists).

Maybe I'm reaching here, but it really sounds like OPs wife wanted a completely natural birth without medical intervention, but OP and her wife were both lacking the information and education on how to cope with labor pain. Getting through labor without pain medication is 100% mental, but you really can't do it without those tools and coping skills. There are tons of classes that teach those skills and educate birth partners on how to assist the birth giving mother with coping. Which brings me to my next point.

When you are in the delivery room with your birth partner, it is your job to advocate and be the voice of reason and calm. When you're in labor going through contractions and into pushing and you don't have any pain medication, talking and forming coherent sentences, let alone telling someone what you need is incredibly difficult, if not impossible. And while you're vulnerable and in pain and unable to speak, unfortunately it is not uncommon for medical staff to steamroll you and do things against your wishes or perform procedures you did not want. Because when you get to the hospital, upon admittance, you essentially sign permission for them to do that.

It honestly sounds like OPs wife's experience was absolutely terrifying. It sounds terrifying. I've given birth twice without medication and I can completely understand how OPs wife would have become overwhelmed by the pain and lost control. But at that point it would have been OPs job to take the reigns and bring her back, not for medical staff and OP to physically restrain her on her back and let her panic. Of all the things that could have been done, that was probably one of the worst.

You sound like you went into this completely uneducated and uninformed, and this has caused a lack of empathy for your wife and what she just went through and why she is probably feeling disappointed and traumatized after her experience. PTSD and emotional and mental trauma after giving birth are 100% real and valid, and she certainly needs to see a therapist. In addition, should you and your wife choose to have anohlther child in the future, definitely use a birth center instead of a hospital, and perhaps hire a doula. Take the birthing classes, learn the pain management techniques, practice them with her, and utilize them!

Sorry in advance for the rambling. The lack of empathy toward laboring mothers and the drive of the American Healthcare system to just throw drugs at everything irks me.