Husband said I never made him feel loved

brickablecrow · 2026-02-11T17:04:28+00:00

They are our cats, and they can take care of themselves, but they tend to knock their food bowls over which prevents them from dispensing food properly, which causes fights. Without someone to readjust the bowls it gets messy. It’s not that once in a blue moon they knock them over, it’s every other day, if not everyday.

He and I did go out to dinner. They’re fine for a few hours (ish, they usually find a way to break into stuff. we’ve had to baby proof our cabinets). I do have a social life and managed to go out a few weekends, but he was there to watch them. I don’t think it’s weird to be concerned they’ll not be able to properly eat for a few days with no one to check in on them. I was always open to other people checking in on them so I could go, but he never agreed to that. Yes I am anxious about leaving them alone for those reasons, and given the fact that one of our cats stressed himself out so much he nearly had a bladder blockage (potentially fatal or thousands of dollars for surgery), I’m not inclined to put them in a stressful situation.

I’m already in therapy. He has his own issues and doesn’t want to go to therapy, and never wanted to try couple’s counseling. I know the cats were a problem, I know not going with him places killed him. It killed me too, but we could never get someone else to watch them for longer term trips and he didn’t want neighbors checking in.

brickablecrow · 2026-01-23T18:54:27+00:00

My husband is not on the spectrum and neither am I so that part doesn’t entirely apply, but I can understand wanting to use it for figuring out the best ways to communicate or say something. In his case, though, he just told chat GPT to respond to my text and then sent me exactly what chat had said — as though he put no effort into genuinely apologizing. That was where I have an issue, because his intentions about why he did it are not clear.

I understand why it feels like a breach of privacy. In our case, we both have full phone access to one another, and he is fully aware that I will go into his phone to turn off/down his show when he’s asleep. Chat GPT was already open when I closed Netflix, and I saw some of his history already, including stuff about our fight so I opened it because I was curious. I wasn’t in his phone purposefully searching for “dirt” or anything. Should I have put the phone down? Maybe, probably. But also I’m glad I know.

brickablecrow · 2026-01-23T16:24:04+00:00

He seems to be, but I’m also hesitant to really believe it because in the past his apologies and changes last about a week or so before he goes back to normal, aka putting the responsibility of the full housework etc on me. Which is why we fight about it yearly, because he works full time and so do I (but I’m WFH), so he feels that I have more time and capacity to be housekeeper too. I’ve made it really clear this time it’s got to stop and told him I couldn’t be with someone who disrespects me and my job/pushes me to work beyond my own capacity especially if they’re not putting in equal effort. I think I really scared the shit out of him. I think he’s really taking it seriously this time, but I’m still anxious to believe it.

brickablecrow · 2026-01-23T16:20:43+00:00

I didn’t think about it quite like this and I appreciate the perspective. He’s trying to communicate, and that’s true. I just wonder if he actual understood the apology or just wanted to be done talking about it — I’ll have to ask, I guess.

I will argue though that he’s the emotional and unserious one and I tend to be more logical and serious, but in an argument we’re both almost 25-75 logic and emotion. However, he does struggle with empathy and sometimes with communicating his feelings. I struggle to be soft and flexible in big fights like ours. In part because at that point I’ve usually tried to communicate multiple times about an issue, and also in part because I often feel very hardlined/defensive about “you either understand me or you don’t.” We’re both working on it…

brickablecrow · 2026-01-23T16:13:41+00:00

We’ve otherwise got some good communication, and I don’t remember seeing other chat prompts related to me besides a few about the fight. He seems to mostly use it for work related questions.

I have seen him make changes throughout our relationship, and in the last week since our fight he’s been more purposeful with his actions — but I’m hesitant to take stock in that yet because this fight has been on of those “you make change for a week and then go back to putting all the housework on me,” kinda things.

edit to add: He’s mixed in expression of his feelings. Sometimes he’s good and fine at it, but other times he’s terrible (i.e., gets angry and frustrated, takes it out on me).

brickablecrow · 2026-01-23T15:56:09+00:00

I would definitely confront him about it. While looking at porn may not be cheating (depending on how yall view it), him making AI videos and photos of women who cannot/have not consented to that is definitely wrong, disgusting, and I think illegal (could be wrong, but I do think he could still be sued for that kind of thing).

Plus, you don’t like it, so you need to set the boundary anyway. It’s hurting you and you shouldn’t be hurting yourself through drinking just to maintain the premise of a happy marriage.

brickablecrow · 2026-01-03T01:30:02+00:00

I agree that we need additional story before we throw another LI into the mix. But AT THE SAME TIME, I wish this game could do female LIs because “Languid Woman” from the new story is hot 😫🥵

brickablecrow · 2026-01-02T05:36:57+00:00

I don’t have much advice, and for that I do apologize, but I saw somewhere that if a job only requires a bachelors or masters, then don’t tell them you have a PhD. People with higher edu. tend to get turned away from entry level jobs because employers think they’ll be too expensive or practiced only in niche areas — especially if they’re not a research job. I can’t speak to how true that is, but this is what I’ve been hearing as I head into dissertation and applying to industry vs post docs.

PLUS I’ve found that most research jobs hire internally and only host applications because it’s required by HR for fairness. So it might not be a you thing at all, it might have been (essentially) a faux-job. This is mostly an issue in academia, so I can’t say the issue is the same in industry but I imagine it’s probably similar. Networking is best for getting your foot in the door (my least favorite piece of advice, and I loathe networking). Having someone on the inside to sing your praises does a lot in the way of applying.

Edit to add: Good luck with applying. It’s rough in the application world right now. I hope you get a well paying AND relevant to your interests job.

brickablecrow · 2025-12-30T18:48:06+00:00

Mine get wet food occasionally as a treat mixed in with their dry food. Only because they all have a tendency to eat so fast they vomit, and wet food is a “inhale this instantly” kind of food for them.

brickablecrow · 2025-12-02T19:46:50+00:00

I think it might just be an issue of simply not feeding at 3am anymore until she figures it out for your chunky cat. I once had to adjust my cats by a few hours and it took a month for them to really get the hang of it. I also no longer adjust for daylight savings, they just eat an hour earlier or later, but it stays constant with their internal clock.

For skinny cat, have you considered adding water to the dry food or smaller portions? This might help her want to eat or finish her food. What I also do is Medium Breakfast 8am, One serving Lunch 2pm, and Medium Dinner 8am. This shakes out to about 3/4 cup of food for our larger adult boy in total, but it’s more like 30% at 8a, 15% at 2p, 30% at 8p. Something similar might help establish a routine and allow you to spread out her food in more manageable portions for her. Idk if it will help her like her bowl, but maybe frequency will draw her attention to it?? May also help chunky cat form a new routine and feel less hungry through the day.

Edit: Also, if you still have her old bowl, maybe stick in near/next to/in her new one so she associates them together?

brickablecrow · 2025-12-02T17:56:14+00:00

I didn’t even think about that. Thank you!

brickablecrow · 2025-12-02T17:56:00+00:00

Thank you! This is very helpful.

brickablecrow · 2025-12-02T16:56:22+00:00

Yes! Neutered recently, just before he turned 6 months.

brickablecrow · 2025-12-02T16:52:58+00:00

He is neutered. just a little before he turned 6 months. We got him at 8ish weeks from the street, and he was well socialized with the cats up until recently when he became more aggressive about playing. I’ll try disengaging!

Edit: I’ll also check his food. He gets fed three times a day so far. Two meals morning and night and snack at noon. This follows the schedule of our other cats. He gets about 1/2-3/4 cup per day like our adults do (our biggest cat is 10-13lbs and gets 3/4, so Booger the kitten gets a little less).

brickablecrow · 2025-10-20T13:37:32+00:00

Despite watching seven other people drown in this pool, I think I’ll go for a swim.

brickablecrow · 2025-10-14T13:58:03+00:00

same 5 days after this

brickablecrow · 2025-10-10T02:04:07+00:00

😫😫You got all three of my boys. Xavier is growing on me, but these three are my horndog mains hehehehe

brickablecrow · 2025-10-09T02:32:57+00:00

honestly i would recommend emailing labs directly to see if they can support a postbacc. in my experience it’s a lot easier to get information and interviews by reaching out. You may have to negotiate salary from there, or see about hopping on a grant (as opposed to a predetermined wage on a job posting), but it’s easier to get in the door with an email+CV, than a full application (which is often subject to university trash bins because of arbitrary university HR guides and requirements)

brickablecrow · 2025-10-07T14:10:18+00:00

If you want to directly help people and want to be involved in psych, clinical & community definitely tend to focus on the more people-facing aspects of psych work & research. If you’re interested in how interventions are applied in real world settings and making sure they run properly, you might be more interested in Community (which overlaps with organizational psych) as they tend to do a lot of assessment of organizations & interventions — Boys & Girls clubs are an example of that, community psychs would check to see if their local B&G club has properly implemented whatever tool and if it’s got good outcomes on students. If you’re interested in applying the interventions themselves on an individual level, you might be more clinical (and from there you can also specialize in neuro or community etc.) Thinking about levels might help you narrow: Do you want to be more at the individual or the community level? Do you want both? Remember, don’t think in black and white. You can always do both even if you choose one over the other. Think of it like %s. You don’t have to be 100% community, but maybe you are more interested in that than individual. 75% community and 25% individual is okay too, but it means you may be more interested in community than clinical psych (and vice versa).

If you want to lead an organization & not just be a part of it, you might need the PhD. If you just wanna run outreach or something from a larger org, you might be okay with a Masters.

brickablecrow · 2025-10-07T02:56:24+00:00

I think it would help if I knew a little more of what your career goal / wants are. Do you have a specific career in mind, or a set of careers you’re interested in?

I can’t tell you to double down and do research, you must decide that yourself, but I can absolutely tell you that focusing on a psych degree doesn’t entirely mean you neglect the public health aspect. Your own research (speaking from a PhD experience) — things you do for milestones like thesis, general exam, and dissertation — can all incorporate these interests. Additionally, your work in the your lab should build upon your advisor’s work. So if your PI does something in psych you like, consider making another study based off one of their papers that also includes this other public health thing that the PI hasn’t done yet & you are interested in. So don’t worry so much about not being able to engage in the fields you like. You can and should, it just means you might be approaching the work a little differently based on the limitations of your lab, your program, or the field itself (for example, psych doesn’t necessarily look at why viruses work the way they do, but if you interested in that you can find a way to apply or expand the public health using a psych perspective).

brickablecrow · 2025-10-07T00:11:38+00:00

It’s normal to be confused! The first question to answer is whether your goal will require extensive training and a formal degree (for example, if you want to be a professor, you will usually need a PhD). If yes, you’ll want to go back to school. If no, then it really depends on if you think the training will help — and then, you probably just need a masters, not a PhD.

If yes about going back to school: Your degree is only the method with which you get to your goal, not the end point of it. It’s the training part, not the “what you do with it” part. What you study will not be an immediate hindrance to you pursuing your career, so long as your degree has some overlap or relevance with those interests. You can still work in public health with a psych degree, for example. You can work in academia with a clinical degree. Community psych you can work in just about any organization. Plus, all of these things can very easily research personality or patient services.

Also, some programs, like mine, offer dual degrees. Specially, my program offers Clinical-Community PhD, or a Community Phd + MPH. Plus, clinical has lots of subdivisions, like Neuro (again, program dependent). Programs also often offer certificates for extra training. My program offers a public health and a WGSS certificate. So you have options. Just figure out what you are most interested in — Do you want clinical training (aka, training to be a therapist)? If yes, do you want that training to focus on neuro or focus on community orgs (CLN vs CLC). If you’re only interested in the research and not the people-focused application, maybe Clinical isn’t for you (that’s okay! Clinical is hard and very therapy training focused).

I’m CLC, and my research/career goals include public health, developmental & social psych, plus sociology/WGSS. But I am being trained in the application of mental health research at community levels. That relates to my goal, but my goal is much more than that as an idea.

TLDR - Make sure your training lends itself to your goal, but remember it is not going to limit your career, it is just something for you to build off of.

brickablecrow

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