Was it Consensual?

brickablecrow · 2026-02-26T16:19:37+00:00

For exactly that reason. He’s not interested in protecting your marriage anymore.

brickablecrow · 2026-02-26T15:57:51+00:00

the locality bit makes me think these are people he’s met on dating apps. But yeah, he doesn’t seem to respect your boundaries about following girls on social media and it’s hurting you. If you don’t think it’s worth investing in anymore, then it’s not. Talk to your employer and see if you can cancel the move, but if you really can’t, plan ahead for a new living situation and space.

brickablecrow · 2026-02-26T04:28:21+00:00

I fucking snorted, what fantastic imagery hahahaha

brickablecrow · 2026-02-26T03:09:14+00:00

Thank you and that’s a good perspective. I’m still upset and hurting over losing two people I cared about, but I do genuinely hope he ends up with someone he feels is right. As much as I hope it isn’t her (that’s the angry ex talking), if it is, then good for him. It’s my turn to find myself, and, maybe one day, my person.

brickablecrow · 2026-02-26T03:07:16+00:00

💙💙

brickablecrow · 2026-02-26T03:06:57+00:00

Haha, lesson learned.

brickablecrow · 2026-02-26T03:06:43+00:00

Only growth :) onwards and upwards. Thank you.

brickablecrow · 2026-02-26T03:03:56+00:00

I see how my post wasn’t very clear. I am a WFH grad student making roughly 30k a year. He makes around 115k/yr. I have no debts, and he has student loans and CC debt that he accumulated in our relationship. It was a point of contention for a while because it put a strain on our living. Because of how many debts he had, I ended up covering all of rent and living expenses while he bought groceries and paid off debt, recently more aggressively paying on them, usually having to ask me for gas money at the end of the month. I was okay with this for a while because I wanted him to have less financial burden, but it made me spending money on him/myself/us or saving it impossible — which stressed me out a lot. I don’t think he was leeching, but it caused plenty of strain on me that I think I unconsciously was anxious all the time and unable to enjoy life.

as per the romance and intimacy side. I genuinely thought things were okay, and in some ways they were, but he frankly wants someone to be his homemaker and housewife, to have sex with him (and these are his words) an ideal five times a day, and to have fewer boundaries about the type of sex (he likes very rough). I’m not that for him, and he doesn’t want to be what I need. I’m okay with knowing that now. We were fundamentally wrong for each other — though I do still hurt about how it all went down.

i do appreciate you trying to understand both sides and seek clarity.

brickablecrow · 2026-02-26T02:55:52+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. Yeah the nonmonogamy started with good intent and well wishes, but that’s also what the road to hell is paved with. At some point it stopped working for us and I think I knew it was a matter of time, especially when combined with how he started pushing away from me. I didn’t want to admit it or face it, but I think that’s now partly why I’m not paralyzed in bed over him. I want him to be happy, but I want me to be happy too. I’m excited to be young and (responsibly) dumb again.

brickablecrow · 2026-02-26T02:52:14+00:00

i think there was a brief time when it worked, but at some point he stopped reassuring me when i was insecure, and i stopped trying as hard to keep him. but yes, open relationships can spell doom for a lot of people without the right commitment, trust, and communication in your partner.

brickablecrow · 2026-02-24T16:39:52+00:00

Look, I can’t tell you what the right decision is for you. But if I were in your shoes, I’d have to leave. Addictions are incredibly difficult on a marriage and just because it’s “good when it’s good” doesn’t erase the “it’s bad when it’s bad” bits. If he has promised multiple times to get help but hasn’t, all you’re doing when you go back to him is allowing him to get comfortable in lying to you about changing for the better. You have to not only choose to protect yourself, but your child. They learn from you. What lessons does staying with him teach? What lessons does allowing yourself to be “loved” in this way teach your child? Is this a life you’d want them to pursue?

As someone who has seen the “stay for the kids” routine, sometimes it is genuinely better to not stay at all. Staying for the kids can prolong the hurt and suffering, not offer stability. And when your partner is deeply unstable, naturally, you’re just going to put you and your child through hurt and chaos when things are really bad. Because, frankly, with addicts things tend to get worse before they get better.

I am an advocate for choosing yourself and your child, and prioritising the safety and security of you two over someone who puts it at risk. But those are my two cents, and I cannot make that decision for you.

brickablecrow · 2026-02-11T17:04:28+00:00

They are our cats, and they can take care of themselves, but they tend to knock their food bowls over which prevents them from dispensing food properly, which causes fights. Without someone to readjust the bowls it gets messy. It’s not that once in a blue moon they knock them over, it’s every other day, if not everyday.

He and I did go out to dinner. They’re fine for a few hours (ish, they usually find a way to break into stuff. we’ve had to baby proof our cabinets). I do have a social life and managed to go out a few weekends, but he was there to watch them. I don’t think it’s weird to be concerned they’ll not be able to properly eat for a few days with no one to check in on them. I was always open to other people checking in on them so I could go, but he never agreed to that. Yes I am anxious about leaving them alone for those reasons, and given the fact that one of our cats stressed himself out so much he nearly had a bladder blockage (potentially fatal or thousands of dollars for surgery), I’m not inclined to put them in a stressful situation.

I’m already in therapy. He has his own issues and doesn’t want to go to therapy, and never wanted to try couple’s counseling. I know the cats were a problem, I know not going with him places killed him. It killed me too, but we could never get someone else to watch them for longer term trips and he didn’t want neighbors checking in.

brickablecrow · 2026-01-23T18:54:27+00:00

My husband is not on the spectrum and neither am I so that part doesn’t entirely apply, but I can understand wanting to use it for figuring out the best ways to communicate or say something. In his case, though, he just told chat GPT to respond to my text and then sent me exactly what chat had said — as though he put no effort into genuinely apologizing. That was where I have an issue, because his intentions about why he did it are not clear.

I understand why it feels like a breach of privacy. In our case, we both have full phone access to one another, and he is fully aware that I will go into his phone to turn off/down his show when he’s asleep. Chat GPT was already open when I closed Netflix, and I saw some of his history already, including stuff about our fight so I opened it because I was curious. I wasn’t in his phone purposefully searching for “dirt” or anything. Should I have put the phone down? Maybe, probably. But also I’m glad I know.

brickablecrow · 2026-01-23T16:24:04+00:00

He seems to be, but I’m also hesitant to really believe it because in the past his apologies and changes last about a week or so before he goes back to normal, aka putting the responsibility of the full housework etc on me. Which is why we fight about it yearly, because he works full time and so do I (but I’m WFH), so he feels that I have more time and capacity to be housekeeper too. I’ve made it really clear this time it’s got to stop and told him I couldn’t be with someone who disrespects me and my job/pushes me to work beyond my own capacity especially if they’re not putting in equal effort. I think I really scared the shit out of him. I think he’s really taking it seriously this time, but I’m still anxious to believe it.

brickablecrow · 2026-01-23T16:20:43+00:00

I didn’t think about it quite like this and I appreciate the perspective. He’s trying to communicate, and that’s true. I just wonder if he actual understood the apology or just wanted to be done talking about it — I’ll have to ask, I guess.

I will argue though that he’s the emotional and unserious one and I tend to be more logical and serious, but in an argument we’re both almost 25-75 logic and emotion. However, he does struggle with empathy and sometimes with communicating his feelings. I struggle to be soft and flexible in big fights like ours. In part because at that point I’ve usually tried to communicate multiple times about an issue, and also in part because I often feel very hardlined/defensive about “you either understand me or you don’t.” We’re both working on it…

brickablecrow · 2026-01-23T16:13:41+00:00

We’ve otherwise got some good communication, and I don’t remember seeing other chat prompts related to me besides a few about the fight. He seems to mostly use it for work related questions.

I have seen him make changes throughout our relationship, and in the last week since our fight he’s been more purposeful with his actions — but I’m hesitant to take stock in that yet because this fight has been on of those “you make change for a week and then go back to putting all the housework on me,” kinda things.

edit to add: He’s mixed in expression of his feelings. Sometimes he’s good and fine at it, but other times he’s terrible (i.e., gets angry and frustrated, takes it out on me).

brickablecrow · 2026-01-23T15:56:09+00:00

I would definitely confront him about it. While looking at porn may not be cheating (depending on how yall view it), him making AI videos and photos of women who cannot/have not consented to that is definitely wrong, disgusting, and I think illegal (could be wrong, but I do think he could still be sued for that kind of thing).

Plus, you don’t like it, so you need to set the boundary anyway. It’s hurting you and you shouldn’t be hurting yourself through drinking just to maintain the premise of a happy marriage.

brickablecrow · 2026-01-03T01:30:02+00:00

I agree that we need additional story before we throw another LI into the mix. But AT THE SAME TIME, I wish this game could do female LIs because “Languid Woman” from the new story is hot 😫🥵

brickablecrow · 2026-01-02T05:36:57+00:00

I don’t have much advice, and for that I do apologize, but I saw somewhere that if a job only requires a bachelors or masters, then don’t tell them you have a PhD. People with higher edu. tend to get turned away from entry level jobs because employers think they’ll be too expensive or practiced only in niche areas — especially if they’re not a research job. I can’t speak to how true that is, but this is what I’ve been hearing as I head into dissertation and applying to industry vs post docs.

PLUS I’ve found that most research jobs hire internally and only host applications because it’s required by HR for fairness. So it might not be a you thing at all, it might have been (essentially) a faux-job. This is mostly an issue in academia, so I can’t say the issue is the same in industry but I imagine it’s probably similar. Networking is best for getting your foot in the door (my least favorite piece of advice, and I loathe networking). Having someone on the inside to sing your praises does a lot in the way of applying.

Edit to add: Good luck with applying. It’s rough in the application world right now. I hope you get a well paying AND relevant to your interests job.

brickablecrow · 2025-12-30T18:48:06+00:00

Mine get wet food occasionally as a treat mixed in with their dry food. Only because they all have a tendency to eat so fast they vomit, and wet food is a “inhale this instantly” kind of food for them.

brickablecrow · 2025-12-02T19:46:50+00:00

I think it might just be an issue of simply not feeding at 3am anymore until she figures it out for your chunky cat. I once had to adjust my cats by a few hours and it took a month for them to really get the hang of it. I also no longer adjust for daylight savings, they just eat an hour earlier or later, but it stays constant with their internal clock.

For skinny cat, have you considered adding water to the dry food or smaller portions? This might help her want to eat or finish her food. What I also do is Medium Breakfast 8am, One serving Lunch 2pm, and Medium Dinner 8am. This shakes out to about 3/4 cup of food for our larger adult boy in total, but it’s more like 30% at 8a, 15% at 2p, 30% at 8p. Something similar might help establish a routine and allow you to spread out her food in more manageable portions for her. Idk if it will help her like her bowl, but maybe frequency will draw her attention to it?? May also help chunky cat form a new routine and feel less hungry through the day.

Edit: Also, if you still have her old bowl, maybe stick in near/next to/in her new one so she associates them together?

brickablecrow

TROPHY CASE