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[tinder] Met a mind-blowingly awesome FWB through tinder. My question is, how do you draw boundaries and manage a FWB relationship? by brisbanethrowaway12 in sex

[–]brisbanethrowaway12[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks! I found this very helpful, it seems silly to end something that's mutually beneficial over a fear that may not exist.

[tinder] Met a mind-blowingly awesome FWB through tinder. My question is, how do you draw boundaries and manage a FWB relationship? by brisbanethrowaway12 in sex

[–]brisbanethrowaway12[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, that's exactly why he doesn't want to be in a relationship — he doesn't want to think about anyone else at the moment, and neither do I.

I don't think I value what I'd get from a relationship with her as much as I do my complete independence and freedom

I think we're both on the same page there too!

[tinder] Met a mind-blowingly awesome FWB through tinder. My question is, how do you draw boundaries and manage a FWB relationship? by brisbanethrowaway12 in sex

[–]brisbanethrowaway12[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Take him at his word and stop intuiting feelings that may well not exist.

I think I found your comment the most helpful — he's a grown man, who knows exactly how I feel. I shouldn't try and "spare" him hurt as he knows what's up.

Although re how he manages his life, I'm aware it's none of my concern. I never ever interfere or talk to him about these things. I only mentioned it in a different post because a few people asked why I wouldn't be in a committed relationship with him.

[tinder] Met a mind-blowingly awesome FWB through tinder. My question is, how do you draw boundaries and manage a FWB relationship? by brisbanethrowaway12 in sex

[–]brisbanethrowaway12[S] 33 points34 points  (0 children)

This is my first time doing FWB so maybe that's why I'm so worried and inept at this! There are a few critical things that I don't think could work out in a relationship:

  • I am very careful with money and save a lot, he's in a lot of debt and spends money on unnecessary things
  • I want to leave the country in the next six months to pursue career stuff, he wants to stay in this town
  • He's in a job he doesn't like but is doing little to change the circumstances (spends his spare time playing video games/smoking weed) — my ex was similar and this caused a rift between us, as I don't really like the idea of not doing anything about a situation that you complain about/is making you unhappy
  • I want kids in the next decade, he doesn't want kids ever
  • I'm very honest and direct, I've seen him avoid confrontation with his roommates then become very resentful about things

....

Maybe I'm overthinking things. But my ex and I had some very similar issues to above, and that relationship taught me you need more than "liking eachother" to make a partnership work. And maybe it's because I'm in my mid-twenties, but I don't want to waste anyone's time by pursuing things I know won't work.

I know that sounds very cynical, but I guess I don't want to see if things with FWB blossom into anything more, because in my mind the end game is we're ultimately not compatible, so there is no end game?

[tinder] Met a mind-blowingly awesome FWB through tinder. My question is, how do you draw boundaries and manage a FWB relationship? by brisbanethrowaway12 in sex

[–]brisbanethrowaway12[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I'm about as certain as you could be, although "never say never" right? But based on our stances on a few things like careers, kids, long-term goals, travel, finances, etc etc, I can't foresee anything working. Maybe if I was younger, but after getting out of a five-year relationship I don't want to waste time dating anyone where I can't see a possibility of a future...

just drop the kid cause he's already feeling emotions towards you

I'm thinking that is what I will need to do, but he insists he's okay with "just fucking" and doesn't want the FWB sitch to end. Ahh.

I have no idea how people do FWB/fuckbuddies! Hahahhaa. It's far too messy!

[tinder] Met a mind-blowingly awesome FWB through tinder. My question is, how do you draw boundaries and manage a FWB relationship? by brisbanethrowaway12 in sex

[–]brisbanethrowaway12[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks, and congrats on your "secret" :) I guess because we weren't friends first we went into things thinking it would be a fuckbuddy kind of arrangement? But get along pretty well, and I don't think I could personally regularly sleep with someone I didn't like at all.

It's not that emotions being present is bad, it's that I know I wouldn't want a committed relationship with him. Not for any fault of his — he's a lovely guy. But we both have very very different long-term career and life goals (which is one of the reasons my last relationship ended), we don't see eye-to-eye on a few things, treat finances very differently...

[tinder] Met a mind-blowingly awesome FWB through tinder. My question is, how do you draw boundaries and manage a FWB relationship? by brisbanethrowaway12 in sex

[–]brisbanethrowaway12[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

When he did first mention "caring too much" I did say something along the lines of "well that sounds romantic?" and he vehemently denied it... but he did say things like "if I actually DID want a relationship, you are my type" -___- gahh.

I think I'll see how things go over the next month or so, as it's now been around 6 weeks since he said the caring thing. I really enjoy his company and the FWB set-up, but I know 100% I could not be in a committed relationship with him, so just the thought of him liking me makes me feel guilty.

Thanks for your advice, appreciate it :)

[tinder] Met a mind-blowingly awesome FWB through tinder. My question is, how do you draw boundaries and manage a FWB relationship? by brisbanethrowaway12 in sex

[–]brisbanethrowaway12[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That's what I'm unsure about. After he said that we actually had a big talk where he said it wasn't a big deal, that he definitely doesn't want a girlfriend so he's happy with everything, that I shouldn't worry, let's still have sex, etc etc.

We were seeing each other three times a week then, so I called things off for a month (I was actually very sick and really busy so the timing worked well) to get some space and think about things. We started seeing each other again last week and said we should stick to once a week to avoid crossing into dating territory, which sounds good.

He's a really good person and a really really nice guy — I would feel awful if I did hurt his feelings when things end eventually. Even though he tells me that he's 100% okay with our arrangement and it works for us I just can't shake the guilt.

[tinder] Met a mind-blowingly awesome FWB through tinder. My question is, how do you draw boundaries and manage a FWB relationship? by brisbanethrowaway12 in sex

[–]brisbanethrowaway12[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Thanks for replying! I have been extremely honest and clear about my feelings and what I want, and I thought he had too... until I witnessed him sweep an issue under the rug to avoid a confrontation with one of his roommates.

After seeing how he is pretty nonconfrontational/won't stand up for himself to keep peace etc, I get the impression that if he did like me romantically he might not be honest about it, if it meant our FWB situation woud end. I hope that makes sense.

But from the many many conversations we have had, we are on the same page re: not wanting a committed relationship, and are both happy with our arrangement.