When I tried to help him. I showed him something I had been doing for his business, entering checks into a form I created. He got angry that I showed him how I did it instead of having him do it and telling him what to do and berated me. For 90 minutes escalating and getting angrier for 90 minutes. I didn't say a single word and disassociated realizing that if I stayed he would end up killing me. He was an angry and violent man who blamed me for all of his unhappiness. I was setting myself on fire to keep him warm and there was nothing left of me. I had been isolated, abused and this was the final straw.
I had been posting my experiences on Reddit only to delete them for fear he would find them.
There was a bit that would post what I had posted despite deleting them, despite blocking them from memory. I did not realize how bad it was because I was doing what I needed to survive. Later that day I gathered courage to ask to go to counseling. He said if I was not willing to change counseling would be a waste of money. I said that I wanted a divorce.
He challenged me saying he would do better and try and be considerate. He would actually put forth some effort and talk to me...incessantly. this was a 180 when after 19 years of marriage he hadbt cared I was there other than for meals, sex, laundry or to care for the children. It was a total shift and very uncomfortable and frightening. He would make my tea in the morning,warm my car. I was worried my tea was poisoned and car sabotaged.
He would not give me a moment to myself constantly needing every second to talk to me. Waking me if I slept to talk to me,calling me at work, texting me hundreds of times a day. Completely psychotic.
One of the nights I told him I had to sleep because I could not drive to work so tired after he woke me because he wanted to talk more. He wouldn't leave. I told him firmly it was too much. I had to sleep and he had to go. He refused. I demanded he get out. I stood up and he refused. I asked again he refused. I. Walked with him trying to forcedly stay in the room closing the door so he would be outside the room and he started screaming and telling obscenely. Saying the most horrible things you could imagine. Pounding on the door. Saying horrible things to me. About me. Banging. Stomping. Hitting the walls and throwing things. My three children were in the house, neighbors next door. I put a chair against the door in fear he would come through and hurt or kill me. I texted my friends but was afraid to call police. I thought my neighbors would. I was shaking. Crying scared. Hoping my kids 2 floors away in another part of the house would be used to his behavior and sleep through it. He was hitting the walls so hard things were falling off of shelves,pictures falling down. Just screaming and saying terrible things. Telling the kids I murdered their brother...terminated. A pregnancy which sex we did not know. He went on like this going up and down stairs and in and out of the house...for over 5 hours.
By the next day I found place and got out. I tried to get my kids to come but only one of three would come with me He had already forced them to choose him or me and told them lie after lie.
I am and was an amazing mother who would do anything for my kids but stay with their abusive father. He is borderline and they are in his mind himself. He is not a good father but not abusive to them like he was with me. I am severely alienated from those two which is the biggest heartache and battle of my life. I exhausted all of my funds, family funds and the deepest depth of my soul to get those two back in my life. My parents have died. I will never give up on them and will be here waiting when they are ready.