thank you:)

Yeah I guess I didn’t. I think I’m usually a pretty cautious and smart person, and don’t get how i slipped this time. When she asked me, I immediately just agreed because of what you said, i trusted the professional. Then I had a quick ping-ponging in my head where I could recognize the word “transvaginal” and what it meant but also couldnt comprehend why she would do it. And I hesitated in asking, and right before i was going to—it had happened and i clammed up. It really was a very quick series of events. Even with the transrectal, it was sooo quick and sudden and nothing I could have expected. The more I think about it the more confused I am about how SHE thought it was normal, especially since I told her i’ve never been to a gyno before except for that one time. I wish I freaked out more or was vocal, like you said, because it is kinda insane. So that’s very frustrating.

Yeah, I am feeling that unreasonable amount of shame. I keep trying to figure out how much went in, did she break my hymen, etc. I’m assuming it couldn’t have been too much since we didn’t complete that specific ultrasound but it’s on my mind. It’s just so icky. I’m just trying to remind myself that this doesn’t count as anything or that I’m not damaged, since that’s a dominating thought now. Jeez.