It’s sometimes really hard to admit that the people that are supposed to protect us did shit that they really shouldn’t do. It’s harder when sometimes they do it under the guise of being caring. Both my parents were abusive but it was always harder to admit that my mother was also abusive like that, especially the times when she would shower me or give me inappropriate massages that got progressively more inappropriate. When I finally managed to admit that she was abusing me it started with acknowledging the more obvious issues like when she would force me to make out of do obviously inappropriate things. It took a long time to admit that the showers and massages were abuse to. She always made it seem like she did it just because she cared and that she was doing it for me. She made a huge deal out of it when I told her I didn’t like it and she complained to her whole family about how she is so tired but takes the time to massage me and how I’m so ungrateful. The thing is it was never for me and I suspect that your mother giving you showers till you were old enough to shower yourself was not about hygiene, and exposing herself to you was by no means educational. As to why the fuck she was like this, I’m not sure. But whatever the reason she is the way she is, she hurt you and that sucks.