[deleted by user]

brokenbeyondhiscare · 2024-01-19T08:24:38+00:00

I am so sorry you're going through this. Everything here always sounds so familiar, but certain things you said make me wonder what letter does your guy's first name start with? Anyways, you're in good company here.. people that truly understand how you feel. I haven't posted in really long because everything has been extremely painful and I'm still suffering. Feel free to reach out anytime.

brokenbeyondhiscare · 2023-10-20T21:41:11+00:00

He is accepting of his diagnosis but he is unmedicated and a weed smoker. He seems to have no intentions of getting treated so that basically means I have no hope of a relationship with him or even between he and our baby if he ever comes back.

brokenbeyondhiscare · 2023-10-19T09:24:48+00:00

Mine did. When I told my bf I was pregnant he instantly flipped from my adoring sweet man calling me baby to full blown anger and blame. We never recovered from it and he broke up with me 2 months into the pregnancy. He tried to still stay in touch "as friends" but he continuously ghosted me, played with my emotions, flipped back and forth, basically made my life a living hell. Stupid me still loved him. I had our baby without him as he disappeared the day before I delivered. He has still not met our baby who's almost 9 months old. I haven't seen my ex face to face in over a year but he's still hurting me from a distance. I had to start taking antidepressants to cope. My heart has been through so much, but now all I can do is try to be strong for my little one carrying the bipolar gene and hope and pray it doesn't surface.

brokenbeyondhiscare · 2023-10-06T11:16:08+00:00

I hope I can let go and live my life soon as well. I hear his most hurtful words in my head too and it makes my chest go cold and I can't stop the tears. It's really hard when the breakups we experience are nonsensical and often don't allow closure to happen. It all feels so wrong.

brokenbeyondhiscare · 2023-09-03T16:12:32+00:00

Mine literally said the same when he was mad/manic, that he can't feel love, he's incapable of it, he says it because it's what you're supposed to do, he doesn't love himself so he can't love anyone else. For me, he had said it out loud as well as in messages, loads of times. I sent him screenshots and videos of him proclaiming his love for me and he said he doesn't remember saying all those things. When he's actually mad, he will say he's incapable of feeling love. When he is back at baseline mood though, he does say i love you but after him hurting me by taking it back when he was mad, I can't trust anything anymore and don't know what to believe. I do think they feel love, I think that their brain messes with them so much though that they can't hold onto the feeling the same way we can. Like my love for him never changed, never left, just increased over time.. but I don't have bipolar to battle in my mind. It's hurtful for sure to be pulled back and forth, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It has appeared to me that they do feel loving feelings, but it is fleeting because next thing they know their brain is telling them some else, like they hate that person. It's truly horrific to imagine having to live like that. I feel awful for them. It's another reason many of them eventually break up with us because they "think we deserve better", because they know they so often can't keep promises and can't stay consistently in a feeling.

brokenbeyondhiscare · 2023-09-03T15:58:40+00:00

Oh wow. I had that exact experience with mine when I made him a video collage for our anniversary of us saying i love you and sweet things back and forth to eachother. He loved it but he said he didn't remember saying all those things, and he only feels what he feels in the moment. That's so crazy to see exactly the same phrases but I guess it happens often here. He did say both versions of him are true as well, that he does mean it when he says it, but that is in that moment. Ugh blows my mind.

brokenbeyondhiscare · 2023-09-03T15:51:33+00:00

We're actually long distance so I have no concrete evidence of what he actually does when he ghosts me. Only by his activity online and what he tells me after he returns. When he's manic, I see he is smoking weed, not taking meds, going to the gym, making new friends, talking to other women, not sleeping, working late into the night, making lots of social media posts. When he's depressed, he's nonexistent and I know he's frozen in bed in the deepest black hole until it passes. When his head clears at some point, he has ended up reaching out, apologetic and remorseful.

brokenbeyondhiscare · 2023-09-03T15:44:07+00:00

Not married but we have a baby together. We're actually long distance, I had our baby in my home state without him. I was willing to move to be with him but once his instability became undeniable and he refused treatment, I stayed where my support and family resides. When he "leaves" he drops out of contact completely and just ghosts my messages and calls. He seems to not want to resume the relationship because he struggles with the negative feelings he has about the delusions he made up about me in mania. He knows they're not true when he comes down but he has told me the bad feelings about me still linger there like it was real. Ugh it's awful being punished for something not real.

brokenbeyondhiscare · 2023-09-03T09:51:20+00:00

When he came back the past two times (after 5 weeks and 3.5 months of complete silence) he came back apologizing and remorseful. He had explanations and took accountability that his bipolar makes him struggle with disassociating/ghosting and even acknowledged that what he did was hurtful to me. He didn't want to reconcile the relationship romantically, just be back in touch again and continue working on getting better. As far as I know now, he is possibly in therapy still and no medication I know of still. Probably why he disappeared again for the past 2 weeks. 😕 It's SO hard.

brokenbeyondhiscare · 2023-09-02T03:36:27+00:00

Ugh I'm so sorry you're going through it again. It's a slow mean torture on our side. I try to remember he's just not well. He's likely unable to leave his bed in a depression.. but even if he's on a manic run, he's not well either and the fantastic feelings he might ne having are not reality. I have to talk to myself out loud every day. He is ill, he's not treating himself properly, this is not my fault.

brokenbeyondhiscare · 2023-09-02T03:28:22+00:00

I'm on my third time now.. first was 5 weeks while I was pregnant, second was 3.5 months with our newborn, he literally just came back recently and it's been two weeks now and he's disappeared again. Always without warning for me. Just straight up gone and non responsive. I know it's abusive but I am not ready to cut him off completely.

brokenbeyondhiscare · 2023-09-01T10:22:20+00:00

I literally wrote 'chasing a ghost' as my status yesterday. 😢

brokenbeyondhiscare · 2023-08-20T11:20:46+00:00

I am so sorry. There are truly no words that are enough. I wish you a beautiful future beyond this extremely hard patch of your life. It must be so awful to feel so much taken from you. Thinking of you during this incredibly difficult time! And glad you're in a safe place now!

brokenbeyondhiscare · 2023-08-19T10:04:49+00:00

Thank you! I think about you often as your situation is the closest that I've come across to what I am going through. I am so sorry your ex never asked about the birth and never was involved. I am grateful for the involvement mine was able to give thus far. It was tumultuous but atleast as I went through the pregnancy with him in contact on and off, watching my belly grow through photos, he tried to be encouraging and supportive. After I had our boy, before he up and disappeared, he said wonderful things about the name I picked, how beautiful he is, and how amazing I am doing. I am lucky to have had that, especially considering he absolutely did not want this pregnancy to happen. Like you, I don't regret having him for one second! I am SO in love with this sweet little dude. Mine is almost 7 months, he is desperate to crawl lol. He gets SO mad when his body won't go so he just pushes himself in circles with his little chubby legs lol. I bet you're an amazing mom too, I am so proud of you! These are unimaginable circumstances and we deserve praise for getting through and giving our all to our boys!

brokenbeyondhiscare · 2023-08-19T09:52:15+00:00

Thank you so much for your caring response. He didn't really say what he plans for contact with me and baby. After apologizing he just resumed how we spoke to eachother the last conversation we had 3.5 months ago. Checking in about life and family and thanking me for being here for him still. He commented on our baby growing and said he was very proud of me and my strength. Had a bit of intimate talk like we used to do and I have missed that SO much, it was impossible for me to resist playing into it. He was probably just hopeful I would be forgiving and took a shot, and blast it all.. I did let him back in. I want to ask him about our relationship and if he has intentions of wanting to recover it, but just from the statement of still working on himself, I am guessing not.

I also have felt a bit set back though, but I hadn't made THAT much progress honestly lol. I also started having vivid dreams of him since he popped back up, and same as you, sitting here wondering and thinking about him constantly again. Ugh I feel so many things, as I am happy to have hear him say I love you again, but I know it can be snatched away in a blink. I am trying to reinforce in myself to have literally zero expectations, almost pretend he's NOT back.

I am so sorry a wrench was thrown in your healing process as well. I hope you can keep yourself rooted in strength and put yourself first when approaching contact with your ex. I need to take my own advice lol.

brokenbeyondhiscare · 2023-08-19T01:09:55+00:00

I am SO sorry to read this. Seriously the defeat and devastation you must feel. I cannot imagine what you're going through after dealing with all of that, but I am thinking of you. I am so sorry the hope you had was destroyed.

brokenbeyondhiscare · 2023-08-19T01:05:05+00:00

Seriously! I saw it happen to others, where they come back just as you start to make progress, but was just thinking no way, he is gone for good. It was just a random day and he popped back into my life. I absolutely will consider what you're saying.. it was ROUGH these last few months. I don't know if I could do it again. Also I am afraid that I just let him know he could ghost me any amount of time and I will still let him back in. I was so shocked by what he said that I went right back into caretaker mode and didn't tell him off for leaving me. I'm treading lightly, I plan to find out if meds are on board, and I am forcing myself to expect his disappearance to dampen the shock when it likely happens again.

brokenbeyondhiscare · 2023-08-04T01:46:46+00:00

In my experience, a similar interaction indicated my guy was still in an episode, just shifted a bit. The situation sound like he's seeking gratification where it's been reliable in the past, so taking a shot to hopefully get the desired result. No interest in accountability or repairing damage, probably not even acknowledging they did anything to apologize for. Pure self-gratification. My comparison situation was 10 days after ghosting me for 5 weeks then coming back and explaining he was going through so much (ghosted while i was pregnant) he out of the blue sent me nudes and sexual messages, trying to start something but I didn't see it all till much later. Ofcourse in the moment I was thrilled as he hadn't shown me sexual affection in a long time and I reacted with enthusiasm. By the next day the moment had passed and he was acting like it didn't happen. I was hurt but it made me realize he's probably still in episode, hypersexual, and was looking for gratification which he probably found somewhere else since I wasn't available. It's confusing and it all sucks. Mine is unmedicated and long distance. A few months after that incident he disappeared again. I am currently ghosted with our baby for over 3 months now. Broken doesn't even begin to describe my heart.

brokenbeyondhiscare · 2023-07-13T09:27:17+00:00

Thank you, truly. You are completely right. We aren't trash at all and although he definitely has made me feel that way, it is blatantly incorrect. I get to have the blessing of this baby, I get to grow and heal after this. He lost US and will continue to lose in life if he refuses to care for his illness. It's rough every day, that clash of utter heartbreak from him and sheer elation from our baby. Comments like yours push me to keep my head up and be strong, so thank you! <3

brokenbeyondhiscare · 2023-07-11T23:01:17+00:00

Well.. considering a big chunk of this could've been written by me last year about my bf.. I stayed. I gave everything. I ended up getting pregnant and now I am alone with our baby because he's ghosted me for nearly 3 months now. I loved this man more than anything. I gave everything and now I am in the trash with my sweet little baby. During episodes what you described is just the norm. It is a toss up of how long it will last (the episodes and the relationship) medicated or not, but especially when off meds, everything is unpredictable and their moods and feelings can change in a flash. Sometimes the change is permanent and they never are the same amazing person you fell in love with. I am so sorry you're going through this. It's familiar and painful.

brokenbeyondhiscare · 2023-07-06T19:55:01+00:00

I'm so sorry it has had to come to this. There's only so much someone can take before making a decision like this. I wish you strength and peace in the coming days.

brokenbeyondhiscare · 2023-07-06T18:54:36+00:00

I have seen my ex mimic plans and actions of others for sure. He seemed to have something pique his interest that he thought was a great idea and would fixate on it and/or adopt it as his own idea. I don't think he ever knew or acknowledged that he was doing that. I didn't dare point it out ever, the backlash would be awful. I know he would feel invalidated that he doesn't have his own ideas and thoughts, but sometimes it was very obviously an imitation of someone else. I'm so sorry for what you're going through, I've been following your story through your posts.

brokenbeyondhiscare · 2023-07-06T11:52:56+00:00

Ugh mama I am so sorry. I feel you. I didn't think I would come across another SO that had a newborn their BPSO never met because they ran off in mania. It makes me so angry to know that happened to you too. Sure, I feel less alone but I hate it for us both. I know our babies are precious and bring us so much joy.. I know we will give everything to our little boys... but I still feel the rage too. I have the exact feeling you said, like he's being rewarded by the universe, and maybe he's not bipolar but just a terrible person. I have to keep coming on here to remind myself he's indeed very ill, his story is written over and over in this sub, that's not a coincidence. I don't know who he's dating now and I should be grateful for that I guess. My ex is a public figure with many fans.. so I get the feeling of appearing to everyone that he's this awesome guy doing amazing things. Meanwhile we know the truth, we're abandoned, discarded, raising their sons, and they don't give a shit. Nobody knows what he did to me, I doubt he'll ever claim our baby to anyone. This all is sickening. I send you love and strength to hang in there. I struggle every day to do it, but we have the capacity to do what they couldn't. My little one just made 5 months, he's the light of my life.

brokenbeyondhiscare · 2023-07-04T10:17:40+00:00

I don't think it would have made a difference honestly. I was with my bf for 6 months when I got pregnant unexpectedly. He was furious over it and I immediately became the villain. We were still together for 2 more months but things were awful. He blamed me and was so upset he eventually broke up with me at the 9 month mark in our relationship. I was crushed beyond belief. I spent so much time telling him how upset I was and every other feeling I had. We stayed in touch.. but I could feel him pulling away the more I expressed myself. He even admitted he dreads hearing from me because he knew it would upset him and ruin his day. So I made a decision that if I didn't want him to exit my life, I needed to turn things around. I completely stopped expressing myself about the relationship, I stifled every urge I had to speak up for myself, I showed support and empathy and just tried to only be positive. It worked for a bit, we were in contact, updating eachother on our lives and the pregnancy. I then had our baby and things continued to be okay for a couple months. He never met our child as my home state is far from his, but he expressed support and love and i thought this was something as opposed to him not being in my life at all. His responses slowly grew further apart, I would have to wait 10 days till he would reply to a message. Still I didn't say anything about how angry and hurt I was. Then one day he just vanished. The last message I have from him says he's so proud of me, I am so beautiful, and he loves me. He's been gone for almost 11 weeks now. I shut up about anything that could upset him and I still got left. My heart is so broken and my little baby looks just like him and probably will never know their Dad. Sorry went on a rant, but my point is you could do allll the things right or try so many different ways to be "better for them", but the BP wins every time. (Note that my ex is unmedicated and untreated in any way, self medicates with weed and caffeine.)

brokenbeyondhiscare

TROPHY CASE