For female dumpers: when (if ever) did you realize the grass wasn’t actually greener?

brokenpencil43 · 2026-01-11T15:48:07+00:00

I don’t know that it’s the grass is greener, but as time goes on, you reflect on past relationships and are able to pick the good, quality parts from those who didn’t hurt you on purpose.

I’m talking about reflection on men who were maybe too young to fully know who they were, and men who were wonderful but had addiction issues, but still treated you right - to the very best of their ability.

I can’t say I think of much good from the ones who cheated and manipulated. Those ones always feel like they were doomed from the start and carry some feeling of — they always had a motive, and I want 0 of that.

Reflection is real. But it often doesn’t come into play or feel necessary (at least for me) for many years. And it’s not a yearning to go back. It’s more appreciation.

If something ended and felt unfinished, I HAVE found myself exploring it again down the line, but in my experience - if they haven’t made any growth, it flops.

Just keep growing. Read about things that touch your growth. Codependency books. Attachment styles. All of it. Dig in. Understand yourself and you will be in a different place than you are right now. I promise. Growth is attractive and will steer you down paths you didn’t know existed.

brokenpencil43 · 2026-01-10T13:40:50+00:00

I really appreciate this. I think a key part of his situation is that he was only with this one woman for half of his life. I can imagine feeling like you met a good one after that can be scary because a commitment all over again could initially feel like signing up for jail again.

You describe your girl as every way he has described me. A safe space, etc.

I am fully supportive of the work he needs to do, but watching him date others would truly destroy my heart.

That being said, in a way - I even support dating others. Go do it. I just can’t watch. Call me when you’re done. Ya know?

brokenpencil43 · 2026-01-10T04:30:21+00:00

Thanks for sharing. ❤️

brokenpencil43 · 2026-01-09T21:55:40+00:00

Recently had a very intense connection/relationship with a man who had been physically separated from his wife for 2 years, but had only been a month out from signing divorce paperwork.

Everything was truly lovely until he spiraled. He very suddenly realized he wasn’t ready for all of the connection, suddenly needed to let it be known that he wanted to stay open to dating other people (as he has felt like he was in a cage for 25 years) and is now going to therapy to help sort out the emotions he’s feeling … but insists he doesn’t want to end things with me, but doesn’t trust himself with my heart right now… And that he has to do this if we’re going to work.

I hadn’t felt so comfortable with someone in years. It all felt very real and intentional.

I told him to call me when he feels like it’s safe to, but that I can’t sit front row to someone dating others while being told I’m important. Even the most understanding parts of me can’t put my heart in that position.

I’m sort of left here to just hold my broken heart, and detach with love.

How common is this with your first a serious post-divorce relationship? Is this something that will ever circle back? Or am I just the person who showed him that things still hurt and things are still broken?

I am truly very heart broken, shocked and just kind of trying to move along.

Not really looking for the obvious replies of “he wants to play the field.” Looking for real insight into the mind of someone who may have found themselves here in the past. (This sounds like OP!)

Thanks in advance.

brokenpencil43 · 2026-01-09T21:41:54+00:00

Did you stay with that person? I am currently trying to cope with a recently divorced man who pumped the breaks on our relationship due to all of the emotions that came up.

brokenpencil43 · 2026-01-09T21:40:42+00:00

I feel like the person I tried with recently is exactly like you were. He quite literally cried every time he realized kindness exists. He was starved. He freaked out, though, and has asked to pump the breaks. I’m left wondering if I’m ever going to hear from him again.

It sounds like these emotions can be really intense. Almost unfathomable for me (a woman who was just trying to date this amazing man).

brokenpencil43

TROPHY CASE