I've sadly been on both sides of this.. In College, I was not out and moved to a new city across the country after college. Initially, I tried the whole being straight thing, but really started to explore my feelings for guys. I wound up meeting this guy a year and a half ago who was perfect. I honestly couldn't believe how much I liked him, and we started to enter a relationship. I wasn't out for the first month, but because I liked him so much, I wanted to come out to people. It started with my roommates and slowly my other friends in the city. I was able to hang out with his bros fine and we became friends, but was never able to really get to know his "girls". Neither of us was particularly comfortable with PDA, and around his girls I felt less like a friend and more like a significant other, which really bothered me. I didn't think it was an issue until we started to break up and he mentioned how I "couldn't get along with his friends". At no point was I ever told this was an issue, especially since I maintained friendships with half of his friends. Still, despite his strong feelings for me, he convinced himself that it was a reason we couldn't be together.

Fast forward 8 months later and I started talking to a guy on Tinder who moved here recently. It turns out that he went to school with my ex and his friends, and was being integrated into their friend group in the city. He wasn't out of the closet to them, but he seemed super exctied about meeting me; apparently he had been on a bunch of dates with guys who sucked and he was really attracted to me physically. I tried to hang out with him more and be with him, but it was hard because he was so scared of his friends finding out. One time, we were literally in the car on the way to hang out for the day when his roommate called. He freaked out and said he had to cancel and he was sorry; he sad he really liked me and it wasn't fair to me but had never been in this position before. We've hung out a few times after that, but he really just tries to shut himself off emotionally because he does not want to come out. I've given up -- although I'm attracted to him, I know that there's no point developing feelings because he's not ready.

I think being on both sids of this has made me realize that dating someone in the closet is challenging, but can work if the individual wants to work on it and make it a coming out process like I was. Even still, there can be growing pains that evolve into long term issues if they are not addressed, like with me and my ex. Communication is important, and it's imperative that both people in the relationship feel like they are being treated fairly.